Ind e-Pen VI

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+6+++

Introduction:
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I don’t very often feel like writing real viewsletters, do I? There’s a reason for this. See, on Friday the Thirteenth, this little paper called the Pix Capacitor needs to be finished. Thus, if I take all of the time I spend writing this and dedicate it to playing Snood, I can get THAT out of the way and then maybe I’ll be able to get started on my homework or something… in the meantime, the Pix Capacitor should write itself, it’s almost two years old now, anyway. It can do it. Right? Oh, well. Anyway, here we have a previously unpublished horoscope section. I hope you enjoy it, it’s the first, last, and only time this will see the light of day… or your desk lamp. Whatever.

Aries (3/20 – 4/20): *****
A great time will be had by both you and your friends as you discover that the secret to happiness was inside you all along. It was right next to your potential and hidden behind the overwhelming bad feeling in your stomach.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/21): *****
Twice you have been asked to cease what you are doing and try to become a better person, and twice you have refused and gone along being the same ol’ icky you. But it’s okay, when the army of evil clones comes along, you’ll be the only one left– cowering in one corner.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): *****
A great horoscope will leave you feeling pleasant and happy for an entire fortnight. Then, through some mad twist of fate, you will have a horrible week. I blame the Las Cruces Sun News’ bad, bad horoscopes for that.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): *****
Wow, I just realized that the school newspaper doesn’t do horoscopes. I wonder why that is? Also, they don’t seem to have an advice column. Or a word search– although they do have comics and movie times. Grr. Oh, yeah, sorry. I totally forgot that this was your horoscope.
Tonight: you will be forgotten by someone really cool. Trust us on this. We know…

Leo (7/22 – 8/23): *****
A chalkboard will squeak, a mirror will break, a ladder will fall, and throughout it all, you will be there to laugh at it. Unless, of course, you’re not the person that I am here assuming you are. Namely Nathaniel Hawthorne (who was a Taurus). See? Natty boy would have laughed at that one…

Virgo (8/23 – 9/23): *****
A blatant misteak will catch your ‘I’ this phortnite when you realize that some1 you thot pade attenshun to detales acshooaly does not. Then, you will read your horoscope, find a lot of mistakes in that, and feel like a big man.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23): *****
As you notice that everyone seems to be having five star (or whatever we use to tally good days) days, you will realize that not everybody can possibly have good days at the exact same time. Then, you will go out of your way to hurt someone else so that they have a bad day.
Tonight: hiding in a corner of a bathroom in a shoe store.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/22): **
Listening to a Spanish pop group will leave you wishing you had groupies this fortnight, when you realize that you, in fact, do not have oodles and oodles of admirers as you had once believed. That bites. You should get more admirers. I think they sell them on eBay for fifty cents.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): negative **
Money will be of vast importance to you this fortnight, when you realize that there is no good way to tally up happiness like there is with tallying up money. That will prove to be a great realization, only you will not be able to publish that because you do not have enough money to do so. I love vicious regressing cycles, don’t you?

Capricorn (12/21 – 1/21): ***
A man who is two times your age will outperform you in everything you had once thought that you were good at. But alas, don’t despair, you were never really good at those things either. Oh, well.

Aquarius (1/21 – 2/19): negative *
Happiness will evade you this fortnight as you realize that something you had thought you had concealed fairly well ends up coming out and biting you in the bottom. That’s right. The centipede that you had hid in your brother’s boxers will come back for you.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): *
A great lack will leave you missing something this fortnight you when you realize that you do not, in fact possess the fountain of youth. Your fountain was just Youth’s older brother’s fountain: Adulthood.
Oh, well.

One last thing:
Two weeks ago, I accidentally gave both my responders a prize for their responses. I figured that if I mentioned it, all of the opportunistic people would start responding. Boy, was I proved wrong. Still though, there were almost three times more responders last week than the week before. I wonder why. On that note, congrats to Margret A. Casmus with her quick, but somehow also correct, answer.

Last Week’s Question: Is Punxsutawney Phil going to see his shadow on Monday?
Maggie’s Answer: “John Kerry”
… sorry, I mean, “yes”

This Week’s Question: Is this a rhetorical question? (There are two right answers, I’ll give props to the person that gets both)

The Ind e-Pen +++vol+1++BT+6+++ Introduction: =============== I don’t very often feel like writing real viewsletters, do I? There’s a reason for this. See, on Friday the Thirteenth, this little paper called the Pix Capacitor needs to be finished. Thus, if I take all of the time I spend writing this and dedicate it to playing…