Ind e-Pen XXXIV (part 1)

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1+++BT+34+++

Introduction
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School starts in three days. Which means that this Tuesday, I’m going to have a full load (18 hours) plus a class on deception that I’m going to show up for as long as I can, a website that I need to set up before the third week of school, a 300+ page compilation of everything I’ve ever written to compile, several viewspapers to put out, and a letter to write to New Mexico representative Stevan Pearce. Oh, yeah, and this e-mail. One of these days, I’m going to end up stretching myself out too much. It’ll probably happen sometime in October. October whomps. Anyway, here’s part 1 of my 83-page play. It’s really just stuff I’ve written over the past five years put into play form, but Shh!!

Conversations (a Hideously Long One Act Play)

Dumbledore (M, late 130s) Freud (M, 50-83)

Letter 4 (15-26) Lithium (17-27)

Man in Black (M, 30-70) Pixel (M, 14-24)

73¤!¿ (M, 23-33) Socrates (M, late 60s)

Voice of B. B. L. o. T. P.-D.

Throughout this entire play, Pixel should remain on stage. Unless, of course, the director chooses to replace him halfway through for no particular reason. Between each conversation that has a rickety segue, I suggest a half-naked girl walking across the stage holding numerically increasing prime numbers to distract the audience. Hey, it worked for Reagan.

(At a famous psychologist’s office. Basically, it’s just a couch and a chair. To save time, leave all the props and the three major actors on stage at once, but have the lighting tell you where to focus.)

Pixel: (on the phone) No, I love you more. I love you more. No, I love you more. Okay, I really have to go now. He’s giving me that look again. Alright. Okay, on the count of three we hang up. One. Two. Three. You didn’t hang up either! Okay, One… Two… Three… You still didn’t hang up! Wait, what was that?
FINE!! Screw you then!
(hangs up)

Freud: Your girlfriend?

Pixel: My grandfather.

Freud: I see… and are you closer with him than, say, your mother, or your sister, or your daughter?

Pixel: Okay, you’re creeping me out here. I don’t have a sister and I’m fairly certain I don’t have a daughter.

Freud: You don’t need to have a daughter to have fantasies about your mother. Believe me, I know.

Pixel: Too much information there, Siggy. I just came here to get one of my dreams analyzed.

Freud: I am afraid I cannot just… ‘analyze’ your dreams for you. First I must know of every incestuous thought you have ever held.

Pixel: What?

Freud: It is part of the psychoanalytic procedure.

Pixel: Oh. Well, in that case, I always wanted to kill my brother and marry the cute girl across the street.

Freud: And is the ‘cute girl across the street’ yourself?

Pixel: What?? No! She’s my old kindergarten teacher.

Freud: Who obviously held a motherly figure in your life, which is why you love her so.

Pixel: Okay, stop relating everything to my mother. Now I won’t be able to call her without–

Freud: Without thinking incestuous thoughts?? At last, a breakthrough!

Pixel: As I was saying– without telling her how weird my psychologist is. Dude, you have problems.

Freud: Oh. Still repressing your homosexual tendencies, I see?

Pixel: Why does everyone keep saying that? Can we just analyze my dream so that I can go home?

Freud: (writing a note to himself)
… remarkably anal retentive…

Pixel: Okay, are you listening?

Freud: Huh? Yes, sure, whatever … seems unsure of reality…

Pixel: So there I am, right? I’m in ancient Greek garb, looking at my wife, who has everything clean for me, just how I like it, but I’m still mad. Probably because she has Steven Tyler’s new face and Drew Carey’s old body.
Just then my dad shows up with my mom and I start to feel this insane jealousy. I want to kill him because he’s taking my woman, but I’m afraid he’s going to slice off my rod, so instead I start immitating him.
One third of me wants food and sex, one third of me wants me to donate money to needy children, and one third is trying to mediate between the other two… Then I wake up. So, what do you think that means?

Freud: It means nothing. Possibly that you like cookies or something equally unimportant.

Pixel: What??? Are you serious?

Freud: Yes, but luckily our time is up. We must continue this next time. …
He dreams in Greek garb?

(Lights dim, Freud goes motionless, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is sitting in another seat in front of park bench with a chessboard, reading a Pix Capacitor, chuckling to himself. Lithium enters, sits on the other side and they begin to play. Throughout all of this, they should be playing a game of what seems like Chess, but eventually the audience will realize that they’re not moving any of the pieces in their intended way)

Pixel: Good day sir… Or is it? I mean, how do you know that it even is a day?

Lithium: How do I?

Pixel: One would think, “common sense,” but that would be wrong

Lithium Dreadfully wrong.

Pixel The day is an illusion cast over us to blind us from the truth.

Lithium: Yeah, for instance, how do you know that what we really see isn’t just the night in disguise?

Pixel: Intriguing, really.

Lithium: Quite.

Pixel: One would almost assume that night would be day too, but it wouldn’t.

Lithium: For in reality there is no day. Only night.

Pixel: Yes. I see. My, my, that is intriguing.

Lithium: Then the sun is only a feigned association with the day and has no real leitmotif to it.

Pixel leitmotif?

Lithium It’s German. I’d tell you what it means, but you wouldn’t understand it.

Pixel Oh. Okay. No leitmotif then, none at all…

Lithium Hey, have you heard my theory about cereal boxes?

Pixel: No, I don’t think I have. Tell me Sir.

Lithium. Well, okay, let’s say that you were in a grocery store and you were buying “Frosted Flakes.” Picture that.

Pixel: “Lucky Charms,” I’d never buy “Frosted Flakes.” Ugh.

Lithium Okay, “Lucky Charms.” Which box would you get? Front, Middle or Back?

Pixel: Middle. Why?

Lithium Okay… yeah. That’s good. See, because the ones in the back are the oldest, and the ones in front are the ones that kids always grab, play with, and throw around.

Pixel: Oh.

Lithium Just a test: Can you name all the “Lucky Charms?”

Pixel Yeah: Harps, Scars, and Horseshoes, Clovers, and Glue Noons, Pot’s Told, and Rainbows, and the Red Baboons.

Lithium. … Close enough…

Pixel: I always wondered why they would ever sing something so awful to kids

Lithium: um… I’m sure there are worse things to sing to them.

Pixel: like the Barney song?

Lithium: First, it has a name, and second… what twisted variation of that do you know?

Pixel: The part where he’s telling the kids that he loves them and they love him

Lithium: Oh. What? Why?

Pixel: Psychological reaffirmation by a purple dinosaur who probably wants them in a naughty no-no way? That’s pretty bad.

Lithium: It’s fantasy. It’s just not the same world as what you’re living in. Come to think of it, I don’t think the real world is the same world you’re living in.

Pixel: What’s that supposed to mean?

Lithium: That you’re Charles Manson’s twisted diabolical love-child with way too much time on his hands.

Pixel But time is inanimate, how could I hold it in my hands?

Lithium Poorly. And besides, it’s a figure of speech, the temporal dimension isn’t in your power… yet.

Pixel: That reminds me of a theory of mine. Okay, how many dementias are there?

Lithium: 15, the last one’s an olive.

Pixel: No, seriously how many?

Lithium: 3?

Pixel: At our level, yes, but I theorize that our level is the third most complicated one.

Lithium: How so?

Pixel: See, we live in the third dimension, right?

Lithium Fourth, they say now.

Pixel: Even better. How many third dimensional universes can you fit in a fourth dimensional universe?

Lithium an infinite amount, I guess… after all, they don’t take up any time, right?

Pixel: Exactly. My theory is that the same thing holds true for other, lesser, dimensions.

Lithium: Because they have no depth?

Pixel: Yes. And since they don’t, we wouldn’t be able to perceive them, although we would be able to affect them.

Lithium: Just by passing through them?

Pixel: But their universe is so big that the odds are we wouldn’t hit any life, just like our universe.

Lithium: And in each 2-universe, there’d be an infinite amount of 1-universes?

Pixel: That the 2s couldn’t perceive. I think that 5-people are, at this very moment, affecting our universe, but since we’re so remote, we can’t feel them, only see their affects.

Lithium: Like black holes and Eminem?

Pixel: Exactly.

Lithium: Wow, that’s pretty cool. Of course, it’s unlikely that life is even possible in the second dimension. That what we’re really passing through is just meaningless divisions of our own universe.

Pixel: How self-centered of you. Your dimension isn’t so cool as to be the only one that harbors life.

Lithium: Oh, what are you talking about? I’m just saying that your theory is essentially saying the same as: this apple (pulls an apple out of nowhere) has a million divisions in it.

Pixel … go on…

Lithium: Don’t you get it? I could say it has four or four billion. As long as I’m drawing the lines arbitrarily, it doesn’t affect anything. It’s just looking at things differently.

Pixel: Well I’m just suggesting that there’s a better way of viewing things.

Lithium: By suggesting a worse way?

Pixel: Shut up. I’m human, I make mistakes.

Lithium: Two separate thoughts, I assume.

Pixel And how!

Lithium Yeah. How, I’ll never know.

Pixel What’s that supposed to mean?

Lithium Nothing. It’s just that sometimes, I think that you’re the missing link.

Pixel Well, you found me!

Lithium Let me put it this way: what makes humans different from other animals?

Pixel: I don’t know, tell me.

Lithium: Guess.

Pixel: A bigger trachea, to produce a surfeit of different sounds?

Lithium: No, no, I’m sure other species can produce more sounds than us. No, what I think separates us from other animals is our ability to pick our nose.

Pixel: What??

Lithium: Think about it, what other animal can pick their nose? Monkeys can’t, their fingers are too chubby.

Pixel: Even new world monkeys?

Lithium Especially new world monkeys. Their fingers are far too big.

Pixel: Makes sense. (he tries to pick his nose, only to realize that his finger is too big)

Lithium So the only reason that we rule the world–

Pixel: –is our adaptation to, um…

Lithium –the Nose Picking Problem.

Pixel: I wish I had a thesaurus.

Lithium To look up nose-picking?

Pixel: No, I stopped listening to you ages ago. I mean on my computer. How often are you typing something when you come across an adjective that you’ve already used?

Lithium I’ve never had that problem

Pixel: But if you did, you’d be really annoyed, right?

Lithium Oh, like you have no idea.

Pixel I’ve just grown tired of my Microsoft Word having a substandard thesaurus and a non-existent dictionary. If someone offered a computer dictionary/thesaurus program for like ten bucks, I would so buy it.

Lithium You’re just trying to get me to make one, aren’t you?

Pixel: Pleeeeaaase???

Lithium (sighs) no. I don’t have that kind of time, and besides ten bucks? After how you stiffed me on my $10 Gray’s Anatomy book?

Pixel Oh, I’d forgotten about that. Sorry.

Lithium It’s okay, it was actually Letter 4’s book.

Pixel: Speaking of which, how is s/he?

Lithium I don’t know. I only really ever see her/him when you’re around. I’m starting to think that it’s because s/he’s just a figment of your imagination.

Pixel See, now that is just silly…

(Lights dim, Lithium goes motionless, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is sitting up on the psychologist couch, engrossed in a story. Freud looks tired and irritated)

Pixel: So there I was, with Tim and all of his friends, right? when it occurred to me that I didn’t really like Tim. I didn’t see how anyone could, he was a jerk. So I said, “Who here really likes Tim? I mean seriously?”

Freud Excuse me, who are you?

Pixel: There was absolute silence for about a minute after that, and I began to feel bad, right? So I jumped in and tried to save the situation, “Well, I like Tim. I mean, what’s wrong with you people?”

Freud And how did they react?

Pixel: Good, I think. Considering that by then Tim was crying like a baby.

Freud: And how did this make you feel?

Pixel: Like a grown up? … I don’t know, I left as soon as I realized that they were out of mango juice.

Freud: They served mango juice?

Pixel: No, that’s why I left… Aren’t you listening to me?

Freud: Why do you ask that? Do you think that nobody listens to you?

Pixel: Is this one of those games where everyone asks questions?

Freud: What sort of games?

Pixel: What do you mean, “what sort of games?”

Freud: Ha! I won, you repeated what I said!

Pixel: Dang.

Freud: I apologize, that was out of character for me.

Pixel: Seriously… wow. Where did that come from?

Freud Let us move on. Who is this Tim character? Is he the same one who was playing chess with you?

Pixel Playing what? Oh, you could see that?

Freud I was there the entire time, was I not?

Pixel: Hmm. I guess you were.

Freud Let us analyze this dream–

Pixel: True story

Freud True story? I’m sorry, I’m not the kind of neurologist that analyzes real life or normal people.

Pixel: Neurologist? Okay… well, maybe I was asleep then.

Freud: Alright. Now, remember, we must analyze these in every perspective imaginable whether it be biological or–

Pixel: sociological?

Freud: –or psychological.

Pixel: Or meteorological…

Freud: Well, yes, I suppose we could see how it affected the rain.

Pixel: Sorry, I panicked.

Freud: It is okay, I understand.

Pixel: So I’m normal right?

Freud: Well, actually, I am fairly certain that you have delusions of grandeur. Which is to say that it does not matter what I say now, you will just hear what you want to hear.

Pixel: Yes, I do want some lemonade, thanks for asking. But I resent the allegation that I’m gay. That’s just not right.

Freud: Well, I can see where this is going to go. Besides, our time is almost up, is there anything else you want to say before you go?

Pixel: Yeah, why is it that I’m always the one to go?

Freud: Because this is my office.

Pixel: That’s what my Ob/Gyn said.

Freud … your gynecologist?

Pixel: Sorry, I panicked.

Freud: Not as much as the Ob/Gyn did, I assure you.

(Lights dim, Freud goes motionless, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is back next to Lithium. It’s as if we never left them.)

Pixel Ooh ooh! I have another theory!

Lithium: What is it?

Pixel: Why is it that I always keep spewing out all these cool theories, but whenever you try, yours always sound so…

Lithium: cheap?

Pixel Yes.

Lithium Because you’re the main character!

(both look out at the audience for a beat, turning back to face each other at a perfectly in sync moment)

I mean crazy. It’s because you’re crazy.

Pixel: Well, my theory was that I was smarter than you.

Lithium: You wish.

Pixel: Do I?

Lithium Yeah. Do you remember when we were in MESA?

Pixel Do I ever… yikes

Lithium Remember when we were in Station’s Quest?

Pixel that test-type event where the task was to go around and answer questions?

Lithium Exactly. Remember how our first year we got third place?

Pixel Then the second year we only got fourth place. Yeah… I remember…

Lithium: Why did we get 3^rd place in Stations Quest then and only 4^th the next year?

Pixel Because we had one less member, and only me and you knew what to expect.

Lithium No, you’re taking the easy way out. The real reason that we lost was because the questions were so easy.

(…)

Pixel: Could you explain that?

Lithium: Well, smart people can’t dumben themselves down to regular people, it’s even harder than stupid people smarting themselves up to our level.

Pixel: Is dumben even a word?

Lithium: It is now.

Pixel: So, the reason we lost is because we’re too smart for them?

Lithium: Colloquially, yes.

(he used that word wrong)

Pixel: So in all due probability, the people who did win are…

Lithium: Losers.

Pixel: Definitely. Hey, would you like some Dr. Pepper?

Lithium Sure.

(Pixel goes to leave the stage, only to return seconds later with a perplexed look in his eye… yes eye… singular… probably his right eye.)

Pixel: Question: what did that last, Station’s Quest bit have to do with my theory about me being smarter?

Lithium: I don’t know. I grew bored with trying to convince you. Conceited people never give up their illusions.

Pixel: Yeah, I guess I really am that cool… But what’s with the bad hair comment?

Lithium: Sure, okay. Whatever.

Pixel: (hahahaha!) Hey, what makes people laugh?

Lithium: Seriously?

Pixel: (sober as a judge) No.

Lithium: Radiation in your throat makes you squeak, thus producing a “laugh”

Pixel: Told you I was smarter than you. (Laughs, squeaks, laughs. Pause)

Lithium: Are you going to tell me what your theory is on people laughing?

Pixel: Yes.

Lithium: Okay…

(here you should play some recorded static for several seconds, all the while, Pixel should be moving his lips. As Pixel nears the end of his lip moving, Letter 4 should enter)

Pixel: Wow, is it that time already? Okay, I would now like to be the very first person to introduce Letter 4 to the public.

Lithium: You took that from me! I was going to do that!

Pixel: Ha ha! Anyway, people! You will now meet Letter 4!

Letter 4: Hello.

Pixel: Shh! Not yet, let us introduce you first!

Lithium: Ladies!–

Pixel: –And Gentlemen!

Lithium: We,

Pixel: –I being Pixel—

Lithium: –and he being Lithium–

Pixel: Would like–

Lithium: –to introduce–

Pixel: The one and–

Lithium: –only! The–

Pixel: –majestic!

Letter 4 Hello.

Pixel: Shh!

Lithium: –who has magical powers–

Pixel: –and once French kissed a wildebeest–

Lithium –and lives in a pineapple under the sea–

Pixel: –the one of a kind—

Lithium: –but still unique–

Pixel: –completely original–

Letter 4 Hello?

Pixel Shh!

Letter 4 Nevermind… (walks off)

Lithium: The powerful!

Pixel: The only!

Lithium: Hey, she left!

Pixel: Well, what do you know…

Lithium: Seems as though we took too long.

Pixel: And we didn’t introduce her properly either!

Lithium: Plus we wasted a perfectly good minute of the audience’s life.

Pixel: All while I could have been discussing my super-great theory about stopping time!

Lithium: I, too, had a great theory. Mine was on how cones affect the space-time continuum.

Pixel Tsk, tsk, tsk. Maybe next time…

Lithium: Speaking of which, want to hear my theory of cones?

Pixel: Sure, if we have the time.

(they do… obviously… I mean, this is only page 14, right?)

Lithium: Okay then. Einstein suggested that gravity was like a bowling ball on a bed, pulling everything toward it and affecting the space-time continuum. Why a bowling ball? Why a sphere at all? And why is it that Einstein only ever used spheres?

Pixel: You’ve told me this before.

Lithium: Shh, for the audience!

Pixel: Oh okay…

Lithium: Got it?

Pixel: Yeah, yeah…

Lithium: Alright…

Pixel: (it dawns on him) “I don’t know, why did he only use spheres?”

Lithium: I think that he wasn’t sure of his theory, so he only used one shape. If he had been really sure, he’d have used all of the most complicated shapes. I ask: what would a giant cone do if it struck his “Space/time Continuum?”

Pixel: You think it’d pierce the bed? I mean, “spacetime” continuum. Should we make this into a new project?

Lithium: Sure. Tear the space-time continuum. Great idea. No, we won’t be able to test it. We just have to be content with being right. Like usual. So, what were you saying earlier about stopping time?

Pixel: Oh, yeah. Okay, we think that “pace-time” is one thing, right? What would happen to time if we stopped going through space?

Lithium: We’d have to stop the universe from expanding, though, wouldn’t we? It’s impossible…

Pixel: Is it? But I’m not proposing that, I’m saying that since the universe is expanding outward…

Lithium: To go to the center!

Pixel: That’s it! That way we don’t move and time doesn’t pass.

Lithium: For us.

Pixel: Yeah.

Lithium: And how long have you had this idea?

Pixel: oh, before we started the play, actually…

(arguing like an old married couple)

Lithium: Why would you wait until now to tell me this? You know how much I want to stop time!

Pixel: I’m sorry… I didn’t think you’d mind. Do we have to discuss this here?

Lithium: If you’d just once be considerate, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Pixel: Why are you always embarrassing me?

Lithium: I swear, sometimes I think that you just don’t care about me anymore.

Pixel: That’s not true, you know that.

Lithium: No, I don’t know that, and that’s the problem!

Pixel: Can’t we talk about this later?

(the rest of this argument fades to muffled whispers. If you like, you can throw out random words like “in bed,” “that whore,” and “smallest I’ve ever seen.” Be careful not to be crude, being offensive might give you lots of laughs, but it might also make people not find any of the rest of the play funny. Oh, and now back to Lithium and Pixel, who seem to have cleared up their argument as Letter 4 entered. By the way, Letter 4 enters. S/he also whispers something to Pixel, who in turn makes odd hand gestures to Lithium. The audience should be able to pick out “I want to go swimming and dancing the Macarena” from Pixel’s movements, but it still, somehow makes sense to Lithium)

Pixel: Well, Letter 4 came back, and

Lithium: –she has a theory:

(Letter 4 pauses, unsure as to whether they had introduced her properly)

Pixel: Say it!

Letter 4 My theory is about this play.

Pixel: Uh huh…

Lithium: Go on…

Letter 4 I theorize that you guys are making everything up and that none of it is true.

Pixel: Yes…

Letter 4 That’s it.

Pixel: That’s it?

Lithium: That’s the most inane twattle I’ve ever heard.

Pixel: THAT’S IT! You lose your Ice Cream privileges!

(Letter 4, bowing her head in shame, walks off stage)

Lithium: Now that that’s cleared up, I have this thing that I have to do for my Plato class.

Pixel You have a Plato class? That must be the most awesome class in the World! Have you made anything good?

Lithium No, no, Plato, Play-toh. We discuss philosophy and all that good junk. And they asked us today what courage is. We talked about it for an hour, but now I want to know what the average lay-man thinks about it. … huh. That’s odd, I thought you’d challenge my assertion that you were a layman.

Pixel What? No, I can admit it. I really am a clay man. I mean, I’ve been thinking about it since you told me about your class.

Lithium Okay, seriously though. What is courage? Is courage some sort of virtue?

Pixel Yes

Lithium We could all argue yes, though not with the conclusive proof that Socrates (SO-Krayts) would probably want us to. Thus, out of respect for the fact that he’s an old, dead, Greek Guy, we will argue yes without conclusive proof.

To wit: Any competent speaker of English would have to agree that a Virtue is
generally desirable, and that Courage is one such desirable virtue. It’s just what those words mean. As Ullian B. Quine said in his book The World Wide Web of Belief, “much fallibility would suck.“

Thus, assuming that the whole of Courage is within Virtue, we are left to ponder how Wisdom and Foolishness fit in here. Since my class has already tried this, I’ll save the effort and just leave them out.

Pixel What do wisdom and foolishness have to do with anything?

Lithium I don’t remember anymore, but my class brought it up. I think we were talking about whether it was wise or foolish to be courageous, then we gave situations that made it look the opposite of whatever way we argued. It was really annoying.

Pixel Well, now. I can’t imagine why bringing up random things is annoying. It reminds me of the late president Reagan…

Lithium Never mind what I think of courage. What do you think it is?

(Lights focus on Pixel as he walks over to a booth and sits down, Lithium goes motionless, Socrates enters.)

Pixel I think you complicated it too much. No, courage is a simple matter. Courage is n. The quality of mind that enables one to face danger with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

Socrates: Is it that you’re stupid and ignorant, or is your answer wrong?

Pixel: Umm… Yes.

Socrates: Well? Which is it?

Pixel: Actually, I think that courage is just the act of being courageous.

Socrates: How does that answer the question?

Pixel: How doesn’t it? I guess, the only thing we can do is what the Supreme Court did with pornography, say “I know it when I see it.”

Socrates: That’s terrible. That would mean that you were the know all and see all of courage.

Pixel: Yes. Yes, I am.

Socrates: And you’re not even that good at talking!

Pixel: What are you taaalking about? I’m an excellent speaker. Ask my good friend– (he gestures to Lithium) — Letter 4!

(Letter 4 enters)

Socrates: Wow. I didn’t see that one coming.

Pixel: So, what do you think it is, Socrates?

Socrates: It’s a knick-knack.

Letter 4: A knack for what?

Socrates: I said knick-knack. For procuring orgasms and booze.

Letter 4: (laughs)

Socrates: Hmm… I thought that it was rather rude myself. But then again, many rude things are funny.

Letter 4: (laughs)

Pixel: You mean like ‘What’s 18 inches long and can keep a woman screaming all night?’

Letter 4: (laughs)

Socrates: What?

Letter 4: (laughs)

Pixel: ‘Crib death.’

(Letter 4 stops laughing, looks at Pixel in disgust, and walks off)

Socrates: Hey… s/he left. Perhaps you should not quit your day job?

Pixel: As a comedian?

Socrates: … Um. So. Um. We had agreed that oratory was a producer of pleasure?

Pixel: Yes.

Socrates: (sigh) You’re new at this, aren’t you? In a philosophic debate, you question everything I say. You don’t even agree with things that seem obvious. If I say that the sky is blue, you point out that it isn’t when it’s raining, or at night, or whenever Rush Limbaugh cuts one.

Pixel: Your fly is open.

Socrates: Were you waiting to say that?

Pixel: What kind of a guy do you think I am?

Socrates: That’s a good question. Now ask me if I’m a truck driver.

Pixel: Okay.
Are you a truck driver?

Socrates No.

Pixel Oh.

(…)

Socrates: Is it better to suffer an injustice, or to commit it?

Pixel: Wouldn’t it depend on the particular injustice?

Socrates: Would it?

Pixel: Yeah. Aren’t you happy with my answer?

Socrates: Oh, no… I’m quite satisfied. Just answer me one last question: (dramatic music)
Do these pants make my butt look big?

Pixel: Yes.

Socrates: Oh, poo.

Pixel: Do you end all your arguments like that?

Socrates: Why not? That’s how I end all my food… Isn’t it?

Pixel: Touché.

Socrates: I’d rather not.

Pixel: Oh, poo.

(Lights dim, Socrates goes motionless, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is sitting up on the psychologist couch. Freud looks eager and curious)

Freud: Today I would like to try something new. As a former student of Jean Charcot, who was a student of Mesmer, who was a student of Santa Claus, I have become well-trained in the arts of hypnosis. I would like to try them now.

Pixel: Wait. First of all, I’m not a fool. I know that Mesmer isn’t real. Second, it’s not rad to say ‘hip’nosis anymore. If anything, call it ‘chill’nosis.

Freud: Well, if you don’t mind, I would still like to write it up as ‘hypnosis.’

Pixel: As long as I don’t have to tell any of the other kids that I know such a big fuddy-duddy as you, pops.

Freud: Yes. Well, we will discuss that later. Now, I would really like to get started and see just what is in your subconscious.

Pixel: You sure you’re up to it? The last person that delved too far into that, me, never woke up.

Freud: You are awake right now!

Pixel: Yeah… that’s what he wants you to think.

Freud: In any case, I would like you to make yourself comfortable. Just sip some lemonade (hands him some lemonade out of nowhere) and concentrate on an arbitrary object in this room, say this bong over here.

Pixel: What? A bong? Why do you have a bong in your room? And why can’t I concentrate on that picture of Brooke Burke instead?

Freud: Actually, the bong belongs to my daughter, Anna. She uses it for school.

Pixel: You have a daughter?

Freud: Sure, why would I not?

Pixel: Oh, no reason….

Freud: Fair enough. Now concentrate on anything you wish, whether it be Max Ernst’s La Toilette de la mariée or Playboy’s Miss November 1981: Shannon Tweed.

Pixel: Well, I’ve made my choice.

Freud: And I dare not ask what–

Pixel: Shannon Tweed on Marie’s Toilet.

Freud: Actually, Ernst’s title translates to “Attirement of the Bride.”

Pixel: Is she taking a bathroom break?

Freud: No, no, ‘toilette’ means–

Pixel: zzzzzzzzzz…

Freud: Oh… You are falling into a deep, deep sleep.

Pixel: zzznozzzzzzduhzzz…

Freud: I want you to think of any problems you have had. Possibly in your childhood, which you had repressed until now.

Pixel: Sure, buddy. Processing…

Freud: Wait, are you hypnotized?

Pixel: Si señor.

Freud: Excuse me. So have you thought of any childhood trauma yet?

Pixel: Yes. I needed to decide between Brooke Burke, a bong, a toilet, and a playmate.

Freud: That will not do. Can you remember anything earlier?

Pixel: Yes. You said ‘hypnosis.’ It rather embarrassed me.

Freud: I am talking about earlier, as in grade school.

Pixel (in a British accent) Oh, I cannot remember that, sir.

Freud: Why the British accent?

Pixel: Sorry, I panicked.

Freud It is okay. Can you think back to your youth. Age 10. Can you remember that?

Pixel: I am ten.

Freud: What are you doing?

Pixel: Sitting in a chair, answering your questions.

Freud: No, I mean, can you think of a specific incident from when you were ten?

Pixel: Yes, yes I can.

Freud: What is happening? Is your mother or father there? Are they doing anything to you?

Pixel: No… well, I’m trying to get rid of some bad lemonade…

Freud: Bad lemonade? No, that’s happening right now!

Pixel: Yes, I remember Sigisimund Schlomo Freud yelled at me, obviously due to his own feelings of sexual inferiority.

Freud: Never mind. I think that this test is over.

Pixel: Well, if you don’t even know, how am I supposed to tell?

Freud: When I count to five, you will wake up and feel refreshed.

Pixel: I like being refreshed.

Freud: Also, your head will hurt and you’ll have to be nice to me forever.

Pixel: My head will be nice and I will have to hurt you forever, check.

Freud: Oh. Sigh. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5!

Pixel: Five more minutes, mom, please? I don’t want to go to school!

Freud: You do not have to go to school…

Pixel: Thanks mom. G’nite… zzz

Freud: Gah! Never mind, I have other things to do, you just stay here and sleep then!

Pixel: zzzz… No, daddy, No!

Freud: Alas! A dream! Keep going…

Pixel: I don’t wanna go to Boy Scouts!!

Freud: Oh, never mind–

Pixel: –they molest me there!

Freud: Gee Willicker! I knew it!

Pixel: Then, when they’re through molesting me, they ignore me!

Freud: That must be the origin of his malfunctions! I have got it! Dreams reveal inner traumas or desires!

Pixel: They’re always molesting me with their “solve this equation” and “kill this deer” No, Daddy! No!

Freud: Wait, does he even knows what ‘molest’ means?

Pixel: They molest me so bad… often sexually

Freud: This explains so much… His total lack of regard for psychology, his fear of authority, his weirdness…

Pixel: It makes me so afraid of authority, daddy! And nobody cares what I think! And the big pink elephants are out to get me!! Don’t make me go, please??

Freud: Oh, my, this seems so important. Why did it not come up before?

Pixel: I’ll never tell anyone about it again, Daddy, I swear it. I’ll forget! I will!

Freud: Ah ha! This memory must have been repressed! It must be the reasons behind his dysfunctions right now, and he didn’t even know it!

Pixel: Yikes, Doc! You could wake the dead with that voice… it sounds like you’re strangling ducks or something…

Freud: It doesn’t matter anyway. I have made a huge breakthrough!

Pixel: Oh, that’s cool. Me too. Only it was more like just a weird dream than a huge breakthrough…
I dreamt that I was you!

(Lights dim, Freud goes motionless, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is with Lithium yet again. It might be a few months after the last time we saw them)

Lithium Remember Hiroshima?

Pixel I wasn’t alive yet

Lithium No, but a lot of people were. And a lot of those people were from Japan.

Pixel And Japan makes most of the things that we buy, so?

Lithium So… Shouldn’t Japan be angrier about things than it seems? I think they’re just biding their time.

Pixel: So you think they’re planning on making themselves indispensable then dispensing themselves?

Lithium: No, I think they’re planning on putting microscopic bombs on every product we buy from them.

Pixel: Why would they do something like that? What if we caught them? Wouldn’t that be bad for them?

Lithium: What part of microscopic confuses you? There’s so many microscopic parts in any given product, and Americans are so lazy that we’d never find them!

Pixel: And these microscopic bombs are all going to detonate at the same time?

Lithium: When Japan tells them to.

Pixel: And many small bombs,

Lithium: Make one big bomb….

Pixel: Yikes, xenophobia.

Lithium: Yeah, but with good cause, Japan is very powerful now and doesn’t like us much.

Pixel: So that’s why they’ve started working so hard to be the best?

Lithium: Yeah.

Pixel: Scary.

Lithium: No kidding.

(Interference should pervade the rest of this. Make it look as natural as possible. It shouldn’t seem like it is part of the play.)

Pixel: How–if—–funny–even if—the world–sporks———NO I WILL NOT BANANA!!

Lithium: …

Pixel: I think–people’ll– like it

Lithium: …

Pixel: Yeah, I know, it’s crude

Lithium: …

Pixel: But if my theory is correct

Lithium: …

Pixel: but if it is…

Lithium: …

Pixel: exactly.

Lithium: …

Pixel: Like——–cut—-off?

Lithium: We’re sorry, we’re experiencing some technical difficulties, please stand by.

(Pixel and Lithium look up at the roof, hopefully toward the techies. They get the heads-up and they both look at the audience, then at each other before continuing)

Lithium: Mussolini, Stalin, Hitler, Napoleon, Pinky & the Brain what do they have in common?

Pixel: They wanted to take over the world?

Lithium: Yes, and how did they do it?

Pixel: With force?

Lithium: Yes.

Pixel: But that’s not the way, is it?

Lithium: Nope, in order to take over the world, you have to control the toilet paper industry.

Pixel ?

Lithium: No toilet paper, no life

Pixel: So that’s why they failed?

Lithium: And why we’ll succeed.

Pixel: Granted, toilet paper is important, but what if people just ignored us and started using banana leaves?

Lithium: If you had the choice between freedom to clean yourself with banana leaves or being enslaved, but having some nice two-ply toilet paper, what would you choose?

Pixel: Good point. (pause)

Lithium: It’s about time you conceded a point.

Pixel: What are you talking about? I let you win all the time!

Lithium: First of all, you don’t let me win. I win out of my own abilities. Like yesterday when we talked about my theory of cones. I won that one!

Pixel: That’s not true, I didn’t argue because it was too silly. Cones are top heavy, they wouldn’t land on the mattress with the sharp part down. Duh… And that wasn’t yesterday. I went back in time yesterday.

Lithium: Wait. Yesterday? How is that possible? Doesn’t time dictate that you cannot use another temporal reference when dealing with time? And anyway, you were bowling yesterday.

Pixel: No I wasn’t… wait… oooh… I see how it is.

Lithium: Go ahead.

Pixel: Anyway, I told myself that the words ñ?que gük are going to be important, and to remember them—

Lithium: Niak Guook? What’s that?

Pixel: See that’s the thing! I don’t know! I taught myself, but since I already knew it when I taught it to myself, I couldn’t come up with it. And since I couldn’t think it up, then who did?

Lithium Someone else.

Pixel: Yeah, I was thinking that too, but who else? If I already know it and they learn from me?

Lithium: In other words, if you did the impossible, then it would be impossible?

Pixel: Yeah… but when you put it that way…

Lithium: What other way would you like for me to put it? Time travel simply isn’t possible.

Pixel: Sure it is. I remember once, as a kid, I ran into a future version of myself. He’s the reason I don’t eat at Taco Bell anymore.

Lithium: He told you not to eat there?

Pixel: No, I saw Demolition Man right after that.

Lithium: That reminds me. You know how the country won several thousands of dollars off Tobacco companies, right?

Pixel: Yeah, because they misled us. Because tobacco kills.

Lithium: But not for several years of doing it.

Pixel: True.

Lithium: Well high cholesterol kills too. Excess meat usually causes heart disease, and heart disease is the leading cause of death in the United States.

Pixel: What are you saying?

Lithium: That we should do the same to McDonald’s and KFC, they’ve misled us for years.

Pixel: But it’s not addictive, and you need several years before it catches up to you. You can stop.

Lithium: Can you? Some of those meals are exquisite, I don’t think I could give it up, and if it is addictive, then shouldn’t we get the same settlement? Tobacco had a warning label for many years, but fast food hasn’t. We could become rich!

Pixel: Isn’t that what Bill Maher advocates all the time?

Lithium: Bill Maher? Who listens to him?

Pixel: I happen to think he has very interesting ideas.

Lithium: Hasn’t he died yet? He’s like 90 or something, right?

Pixel: I think he’s 56, actually.

Lithium: Oh. 56. That reminds me. Have you ever eaten a saltine?

Pixel: You mean a cracker?

Lithium: Yeah. How do they make all of the holes in crackers?

Pixel: Postal workers?

Lithium: But they’re all the same size.

Pixel: Machines?

Lithium: But crackers crack.

Pixel: That’s why they’re yeast when they go in.

Lithium: Yeast expands, so all the holes wouldn’t be the same size.

Pixel: Special yeast that doesn’t expand?

Lithium: Okay, but why do they call them saltines? Can’t they just be salt crackers?

Pixel: It’s for people whose doctor said “No Salt” that way they can eat the crackers and die.

Lithium: See, now you’re not being very reasonable…

Pixel: What if I called myself a reasonatine?

Lithium: You suck and coming up with words.

Pixel: Example.

Lithium: ñaque gû­­­­Ã¼k, reasonatine?

Pixel: You think that those words are bad? What about the word microwave?

Lithium: What’s wrong with microwave?

Pixel: Micro means small right? And waves is waves?

Lithium: (Pause) Are you asking me?

Pixel: (Pensive) I suppose so.

Lithium: Well, then yes.

Pixel: To the first part or the second part?

Lithium: The first.

Pixel: Oh, okay, anyway I was saying how people who discover things have no imagination.

Lithium: Telephone… light-bulb… automobile.

Pixel: light, bulb? Bulb that contains light. Auto mobile? Movable auto. Telephone? Fake telepathy.

Lithium: So you’re saying that if you invented something, you’d call it something special, rather than just naming it by what it does?

Pixel: Oh, yeah…

Lithium: And what do you propose calling a Microwave?

Pixel: Corn-popper-maker-doer-thingie.

Lithium: See, that’s why no married couples ask us for our opinion on their kids’ names.

Pixel: What are you talking about? They ask me all the time. Actually, they’re probably only asking me the time, but still, I never stop suggesting alternative names for their stupid little tykes.

Lithium: Do you call them that?

Pixel: to their faces?

Lithium: Yeah.

Pixel: Oh, yeah. Stupid friggin’ tykes… that’s why they should all have names like Moron #1 and Moron # 14.

Lithium: Ah… kids… with their stuff and their things.

Pixel: And their incessant stupid questions…

Lithium: Yeah, like “Why does the sun go away at night?”

Pixel: Because it rotates around the earth and it has to go under it at times, duh.

Lithium: No, the reason that the sun goes away at night is that it is afraid of the dark.

Pixel: A little known fact.

Lithium: But so true.

Pixel: You know I was afraid of the dark when I was a young child?

Lithium You don’t say…

Pixel No, really. I was. Wait. No, that was my bother. I was afraid of dogs… No, wait, that was him too. Maybe I was just afraid of heights?

Lithium Well then, stay away from Colorado.

Pixel Oh, like I’d go there anyway. You know what they’re like…

Lithium Yeah, with their…

Pixel and their…

Lithium Wait. What’s wrong with Colorado?

Pixel: Beats me. People kinda stayed away from making fun of it after Columbine… So nobody picks on it anymore. Hmm. I wonder… which is the least picked on of the fifty states?

Lithium hmm…

Pixel: You know how we all make fun of Texas for being so cowboyish and Florida for being so old…

Lithium: And Alaska for being so cold. And Hawaii for being so new.

Pixel: And Wyoming for being so populated, phew! and New Jersey for being so raw.

Lithium: And Louisiana for Mardi Gras. And California for being about to sink.

Pixel: I guess it would have to be Vermont. Don’t cha think?

Lithium: Yeah, I was thinking Massachusetts, or one of those.

Pixel: So that settles it. One of those it is.

(Lights dim, Lithium goes motionless, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is with Socrates yet again. They seem to be going to Brunch)

Pixel: So tell me, Sock–

Socrates: — don’t call me Sock–

Pixel: — don’t you just hate white people??

Socrates: No, I don’t. What kind of a question was that? What kind of a journalist are you?

Pixel: the kind that asks the biting questions America wants to hear, and also the kind that has his own play.

Socrates: And would you say that you’re a good journalist?

Pixel: I would say that I’m a cute boy, but… well, I never said I was much of a journalist.

Socrates: And as a good journalist you would also be a good person? Possessing good qualities?

Pixel: Are you even listening to me? You know, I’m not agreeing with you here…

Socrates: Since you fairy boy have these qualities, would you say that you can teach them?

Pixel: I would say a lot of things. Yeah, I’d probably say that; right after someone said, “what should I do with this extra hundred-dollar bill?”

Socrates: Well, if you say you can teach virtue, my oh, so wise sir peanuts for brains, you must obviously know what virtue is, right? wrong

Pixel: Hey, what are you muttering there? Why are you covering your mouth like that?

Socrates: Oh, you’re as observant as you are wise moron. But loser please, you have yet to answer my question idiot, what is virtue, pray tell?

Pixel: … Yeah. Um, Okay. I’d have to go with Nietzsche’s interpretation and say that it’s just something the weak created to protect themselves from the strong.

Socrates: Ah, doodyhead, but what of the fact that there are a lot of “weak” people like you! but very few “strong” people not like you, Tweak. Could not the collective “weak” overpower the few “strong”? … Dubya

Pixel: Hey, I heard that!

Socrates: Heard what? Flippin’ Crybaby

Pixel: That–that “Dubya” remark!

Socrates: And you object to the strongest letter in the alphabet?

Pixel: The strongest letter?

Socrates: It’s twice ‘U’. (and sixteen times ‘you’)

Pixel: Oh.

Socrates: Much stronger than that too.

Pixel: So, anyway. I was going to make an unrelated remark as to how squirrels hoard a lot of nuts. I think I was going to tie that in to virtue, but now I’m just going to claim that nature makes us want more than what we can have.

Socrates: That is a very interesting yet stupid point, too bad it’s wrong.
You’re making me spin in my grave here pillow-biter.

Pixel: But, just because there are a lot of weak people doesn’t mean that they’re good at organization or even realizing that they can be more powerful together. Damn chocolate pirate…

Socrates: real subtle… dork Well, unless the collective group was of exceptional demerit, then eventually someone would realize what was going on, right?

Pixel Uh…

Socrates Exactly.

Pixel: Hey, Socrates, have you ever lost an argument?

Socrates: (to self) friggin’ Parmenides can take his Zeno and Grumble, grumble, Grumble.

Pixel: Wait a minute… did you actually say “grumble, grumble, grumble?”

Socrates: Nah, something must have been lost in the translation… Anyway, yes, I have lost an argument. A long time ago. In my youth…

Pixel: Cute. A flashback.

Socrates: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times… I was a hot young stud muffin straight out of the Academy–

Pixel: –I thought that the Academy started after you died–

Socrates: –and I ran into this really old guy that doubted my theory of forms.

Pixel: Your theory of whazzat?

Socrates: He told me that it was impossible because by my theory, assuming his basic rules of non-identity, would be wrong. Infinitely so, in fact.

Pixel: Can we, like, get to the point sometime soon? Or at least an explanation.

Socrates: So he’s like, “all is one.” and I was like… oh, screw it; it’s too confusing to go on.

Pixel: And you lived happily ever after because you didn’t let it get to you. The end.

Socrates: Huh? No! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! No, I came up with a much better argument. But by then it was too late: he had died… probably. I mean I just came up with it right now.

Pixel: Go on… Oh, sorry– But Socrates, what could possibly be better than “all is one”?

Socrates: Easy: “all is none.”

Pixel: You know, sometimes explanations can help…

Socrates: Well, okay, assume that everything was just some sort of Matrixy type thing.

Pixel: m’kay, assumption granted.

Socrates: And as such, we are all a part of a greater entity?

Pixel: I assume that the assumption would hold.

Socrates: So then, wouldn’t everything just be an illusion of something bigger? Wouldn’t everything just be the same thing?

Pixel: Well, okay, I can see that.

Socrates: Now assume that everything was an illusion, much like a mirage in a desert as seen by a cobbler wearing bad shoes and eating salt-laden pastries.

Pixel: Yeah, okay, sure.

Socrates: So you agree that All is None?

Pixel: Huh? Wait. Wait a sec, I didn’t agree to that!

Socrates: Well you granted my assumption, didn’t you?

Pixel: Yeah, to see where you would go with it!

Socrates: Well, now you know. Hey, that’s what happens when you make assumptions.

Pixel: Oh, bother. We’ll continue this later.

Socrates: Yeah, we’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s head.

Pixel: Don’t you mean tail?

Socrates: Hey, it’s only tails fifty percent of the time.

Pixel: … I hate you…

(Lights dim, Socrates exits, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is alone. Dumbledore enters.)

Pixel: Good day everybody. In order to round out this play, we have decided to throw in the only other person that we were missing. So now, please give a warm welcome to Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: Are you quite through?

Pixel: Yes, sorry, I get excited fairly easily. Okay, Professor, first question: why and how do you always seem to twinkle your eye at Harry Potter?

Dumbledore: Excuse me? I don’t twinkle my eye at anyone! You’re probably referring to my Glaucoma. I hear that it makes my eye shine if you look at it from the right angle.

Pixel: So you don’t twinkle?

Dumbledore: No, I don’t.

Pixel: Okay then. Next question: what’s it like being older than indoor plumbing?

Dumbledore: Well, it took me nearly fifty years to finally get used to it, and then, when I finally thought I knew everything there was to know about toilets, they introduced cable television.

Pixel: Wait. What does that have to do with anything?

Dumbledore: Oh, you’d be surprised…

Pixel: Well, then. On the books and movies: which one does the actual story better justice?

Dumbledore: Probably The Fellowship of the Ring, I didn’t like the “liberties” in the sense that throwing poop on Michelangelo’s David is a liberty that they used in the Two Towers.

Pixel: I’m sorry, I was talking about the Harry Potter series.

Dumbledore: Oh, I know Patty. I know… (twinkle)

Pixel: My name’s not Patty.

Dumbledore: That’s exactly what Harry Potter said to me when I first met her.

Pixel: Okay then. Let’s see.. Okay, who do you think does a better job of portraying you in the Harry Potter movies, the late and legendary sir Richard Harris, or the retarded, ugly, water-basket impostor Michael Gambon?

Dumbledore: Can I choose young Daniel Radcliffe?

Pixel: But he doesn’t play you in any movie!

Dumbledore: Now, now. Don’t be naïve, young Patty.

Pixel: I’M NOT PATTY!!

Dumbledore: You’re fairly impatient aren’t you? And also fairly short. Plus, you smell bad.

Pixel: Huh? Oh… I get it. You did research! You know all about my Pixatic Method!

Dumbledore: My dear boy, you do seem to be fond of naming things after yourself, don’t you Patty? (twinkle)

Pixel: … I’ll be, er, going now…

(Lights dim, Dumbledore exits, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is back with Freud)

Freud: Seeing as our exploits in hypnosis didn’t quite work out, I have decided to try something new and innovative.

Pixel: What hypnosis? When did we do that? Was I awake for that?

Freud: Well, no, but that is pretty much the point of hypnosis.

Pixel: That’s a pretty stupid point if you ask me.

Freud: You do not understand–

Pixel: Understand what? I suppose you’re going to tell me that I have to be asleep for that too.

Freud: Never mind, there was no hypnosis. However, I would still like to try this new thing.

Pixel: Does it require me being asleep for it to work?

Freud: Quite the reverse.

Pixel: It requires me to work for it to be asleep? What is it, a congressman?

Freud: No, no. It is merely you laying down on the couch and saying whatever comes to your mind, regardless of whether you think it be too trivial or embarrassing.

Pixel: I think I saw the Candid Camera where they did that… didn’t all of those people wind up committing suicide?

Freud: You just made that up.

Pixel: No, seriously, Candid Camera was a great show in its time.

Freud: Just… lay down.

Pixel: Okay. Hey Doc, when’s the last time you went to the bathroom?

Freud: What? What do you mean?

Pixel: I mean, is that an inkblot on your pants or are you… is that an inkblot on your pants?

Freud: Yes, my daughter Anna spilt it on them this morning whilst she was drawing a cartoon.

Pixel: You have a daughter?

Freud: You’ve already asked me that. Why would you think that I would not?

Pixel: Oh, no reason.

Freud: Is it not strange, though, that both her drawing and this stain resemble the male genitalia?

Pixel: Really? How? All I see is Bill Watterson French kissing J.K. Rowling.

Freud: You do? And what do you see in this picture over here?

Pixel: An empty bottle of Aquafina.

Freud: That’s just what she wants you to see. You have to look deeper.

Pixel: I can’t. It’s 2-dimensional… So. What was that new thing you wanted to try again?

Freud: Basically, I say a word to start you off, then you let your mind freely associate it with whatever you happen to be thinking, regardless of whether you think it’s–

Pixel: too trivial or embarrassing. Got it. Ready?

Freud: Yes. And remember, nothing you say is wrong… Home.

Pixel: Depot. Office. Max. Mighty. Mouse. Mickey. Mantle. Piece. Hair. Brush. Tooth. Timmy. Allen. Wrench. Sigmund’s Mom. Sex. Bathroom. Crap. Toni Morrison. Beloved. Red Heart, red heart. Horseshoes. Nike. Child Labor. Chocolate. Milk. Death. Sleep. Hamlet. Home… Was that okay?

Freud: No, no, that was wrong.

(Lights dim, Freud goes motionless, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is with with Lithium, yet again.)

Lithium: You know how you can tell how old a tree is by counting its rings?

Pixel: Is that grammatically correct?

Lithium: Sure it is, why wouldn’t it be?

Pixel: Okay… well then yes.

Lithium: Why wouldn’t it be yes?

Pixel: I guess it would.

Lithium: Yeah… anyway, you can do that with humans too.

Pixel: Humans two? Me? Or are you saying that if you cut us in half you can see how old we are?

Lithium: No, just count the lines in your finger prints.

Pixel But aren’t we born with the same fingerprints we die with? New lines aren’t added, are they?

Lithium Well, no, but it’s not an exact science.

Pixel So basically, if you count them, you’ll only be right once? Couldn’t you just guess and get better results?

Lithium Depends on what you mean by better.

Pixel More accurate.

Lithium Well then yes. I thought you meant higher.

Pixel Oh.

Lithium It’s a common mistake, don’t beat yourself up for it.

Pixel I’m sorry, I guess I just didn’t understand.

Lithium It’s okay. Just fill up my car with gas and we’ll be fine.

Pixel Why do you keep saying that?

Lithium Well, it’s just that gas is so–

Pixel: You know how gas prices just keep going up because we’re over-exploiting our natural oils?

Lithium: Y– (nods, but is cut off).

Pixel: Well, nature doesn’t make cycles that don’t go anywhere. It’s adaptation, it’s evolution, it’s common sense.

Lithium: Like–

Pixel: Like the Krebs cycle, the Calvin cycle, and the bicycle… they’re circular.

Lithium: and…

Pixel: And there’s never a step without a reason. So there must be oils for a reason.

Lithium: Like…

Pixel: Well trees rot and form oils, the oils slowly sink to the center of the earth, the core burns the oils and releases nutrients to the topsoil, thereby making more trees.

Lithium: So…

Pixel: So if we take away the natural oils, then the core has nothing to burn, the soils don’t get nutrients, the core burns out, and we are left with one dead earth… spooky huh?

Lithium I’m speechless.

(Enter Letter 4 for some reason. Lithium looks at Pixel. Pixel nods and looks away.)

Lithium: Did they ever send monkeys into space?

Pixel: (Looks at Letter 4)

Letter 4: (Ignores him)

Lithium: Oh, come on, I have a final for my AP Teacher’s Aid next period, and if I don’t get it right I’ll flunk and be back here next year.

Letter 4: (Playingly) No, okay, no.

Lithium: Ooh… but did they? Oh, come on…

(Letter 4 gets up and walks off)

Pixel Those conversations always end up with Letter 4 walking off. I wonder why s/he puts up with it.

Lithium Maybe it’s boring backstage?

Pixel It’d have to be, to come out and talk to you.

Lithium It was worth a shot.

Pixel What was? You didn’t do anything!

Lithium Well, if s/he’d given me a bit more time…

Pixel Then you’d do nothing longer?

Lithium Never mind. What did you want to say again?

Pixel: People who are addicted to–

Lithium: to cigarettes?

Pixel: Yeah. Hey, you do check your e-mail.
(they switch sides on the chess board around and continue playing)

Lithium: Go ahead.

Pixel: Anyway, they say that they feel an urge to smoke and they can postpone it but can’t stop doing it.

Lithium: That sounds remarkably similar to…

Pixel: sleep.

Lithium: And eating food.

Pixel: And drinking.

Lithium So is it an addiction?

Pixel Who knows? I mean, they all follow the same paths as addictions: if we don’t sleep we get groggy and cranky, and if we try to not do it at all, we start going crazy and losing normal processes. And if you don’t drink you start getting thirsty. And have you seen what starving kids’ll do to your lunchbox if you don’t watch it? Exactly.

Lithium But our parents eat, drink, and sleep too!

Pixel Yeah, but there are women addicted to crank that pass it on to their kids too.

Lithium Crank?

Pixel I’m sure it’s a drug somewhere…

Lithium: Hey, speaking of e-mail, do you remember our Speed of Light theory?

Pixel: The one that we published?

Lithium: Yeah, I think. Did you know that some big-shot scientists are making money off it?

Pixel: ?

Lithium: On Yahoo! If you go to the technology section and type in Speed of Light, you’ll find OUR theory, but with other words and other people.

Pixel: Odd, I thought that we invented it.

Lithium: We did, and if we take the thing to the people, then we could be like really famous, and possibly win the Nobel Prize.

Pixel Whoa. What theory was that again?

Lithium I don’t remember, but it must have been brilliant…

Pixel: Have you ever heard of Murphy’s Law?

Lithium: Yes.

Pixel: How anything you expect will come out wrong?

Lithium: Wasn’t it, –If anything can be expected, it will fail?–

Pixel: I don’t know… something about irony though.

Lithium: Like you thought that you could just start talking about something you didn’t research and not be caught.

Pixel: Well, I expected to do a little better.

Lithium: We always do.

Pixel: Hence Murphy’s Law.

Lithium: Reminds me of Silver’s Law: “If Murphy’s law can go wrong, it will.”

Pixel: Who’s Silver?

Lithium: The Lone Ranger’s horse.

Pixel: Oh.

(…)

Lithium: The origin of Wind…

(silence)

Pixel: … Is there any particular reason you said that?

Lithium: Well…I think so. Oh, yeah! Can a person forget how to ride a bike?

Pixel: ?

Lithium: Umm… yeah… is it possible to forget? They always say, “It’s like riding a bike–”

Pixel: –“you never forget.” Yeah… I wonder.

Lithium: Perhaps in a few hundred years….

Pixel: We should test it.

Lithium: And let it go horribly wrong, like last project?

Pixel What was the last project?

Lithium Don’t you remember? It’s the reason you don’t go to Kansas anymore? Damned Temps…

Pixel (dumbfounded) Yes. Damned Tents.

Lithium Did you just say tents?

Pixel Yeah, I changed it.

Lithium What? You can’t just change it?

Pixel Of Course I can. How many things can you name that never change?

Lithium: … None. Everything changes.

Pixel: Including the big things in life.

Lithium: Especially the big things.

Pixel Like the moon?

Lithium Oh, gosh. What do you mean?

Pixel: Just, that the moon could easily be getting bigger and brighter… like it has.

Lithium: Due to the gravitational pull of the Earth on the moon?

Pixel: Due to the gravitational pull of the moon on the earth.

Lithium You’re not an astronomy major, right?

Pixel Nope.

Lithium You were biology, right?

Pixel Nope.

Lithium Psychology?

Pixel A little bit.

Lithium Huh. So are you more of a nature guy, or a nurture guy?

Pixel I don’t know. I was born believing in nature over nurture, but my parents raised me the other way, soo…

Lithium: Let me put it this way: can the events of childhood determine what a person becomes?

Pixel: Like, “is it the parenting or the genes?”

Lithium: Yeah… if two clones are raised in totally different environments… would they end up the same?

Pixel: Well if they were shy…

Lithium: You could also become shy because of your environment.

Pixel: Well then, it would make sense–

Lithium: –that both could contribute… if only we could test it…

Pixel but aren’t people testing it every day?

Lithium Obviously not well enough. I mean, if I had a test every day, I’d have the answer right now for sure!

Pixel I do concur, I concur. Like with women. If I had to go through that every month, I’d have found a way to make it bearable by now.

Lithium Um. Don’t you think that’s a bit different?

Pixel: No, not really. Okay, look at it this way: most people agree that men and women have it about the same.

Lithium: Of course, one benefit in a woman usually equals one benefit in a man.

Pixel: What about pregnancy, most people can’t find a male equivalent to child birth.

Lithium: And you did?

Pixel: Yes. Let’s look at the available evidence: first, women get knocked up, which is usually not an altogether awful experience.

Lithium Yeah, then they spend nine moody months eating whatever they want.

Pixel Right. After which they have anywhere from six minutes to 28 hours of blistering, horrible, horrible pain that I would not wish on anyone.

Lithium Okay. Fair enough. What do men have equivalent to this?

Pixel I should think it’s fairly obvious. Men have to have Adam’s Apples.

Lithium: What?! That’s not fair at all, though! Men have Adam’s Apples their entire lives… it’s horrible!

Pixel: I know… but I think that it evens out with the small 9 months of carrying a child, being able to eat freely and look overweight for a reason… Wow. Actually no. Men have it worse!

Lithium We should complain.

Pixel After the game, after the game…
(They switch sides again)

Lithium: …Wind Origin…

(…)

Pixel: Okay, I give… what’s new?

Lithium: Well, where does wind originate? If you followed it back to where it started, what would you find?

Pixel: A regular pot o’ gold.

Lithium: Would it be a big fan operated by a guy named Hal? Or would you just walk back around the (gestures walking around a flat world) world?

Pixel: That would be pretty interesting to find out.

Lithium: Or maybe a giant dog wagging it’s tail…

(Lights dim, Lithium goes motionless, when the lights turn on again, Pixel is sitting alone.)

Pixel: Hey all. And now our new speaker: A Blue Lump of Talking Play-Doh®.

(busts out with a huge lump of animated clay)

Play-Doh: Hey, I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!–

Pixel: –You live in my pocket–

Play-Doh: –Because I was flapping my arms, see? So now my arms are tired of flapping.

Pixel: Oh, dear… This is worse than that interview with the Vampire. Well, actually not really: that guy really bit. No pun intended.

Play-Doh: Because I was flapping my arms, see? So now my arms are tired of flapping.

Pixel: It’s like we’re not even trying anymore. Why couldn’t we just keep Dumbledore? He was cool. Except that he smelled like a cabbage and he kept calling me Patty.

Play-Doh: I was flapping them all through the plane ride here. Really annoyed the elderly paraplegic on my right, nearly killed the paranoid schizophrenic on my left…

Pixel: Hmm. And what about Socrates? He seemed far less senile than I would have expected. He even stopped calling me “queer-boy” after a while.

Play-Doh: Especially when my wing fell off on his lap …

Pixel: Oh, well. Hey, at least no one’s going to miss this Play-Doh, right?

Play-Doh: … and it said “this Hanta virus will kill him off.”

Pixel: Are you still here?

Play-Doh: What can I say? My body parts are rude… All of them…

Pixel: Wow. I thought you’d have become a temporal loophole by now. That’s what my Play-Doh always turned into anyway…

Play-Doh: Temporal loophole, eh? I don’t think Plato does that.
. . . I mean Play-Doh.

Pixel: Either way, you’re just a big lump of clay. I figured that by now you’d make something of yourself. No pun intended.

Play-Doh: Speaking of rude body parts and temporal loopholes, can you introduce me to that Letter 4? S/he sure is a cutie.

Pixel: Now tell me, how hard is it to make a flower out of Play-Doh? (grabs the Play-Doh)

Play-Doh: HEY! You said we’d just talk! You didn’t say anything about manhandling me!

Pixel: That’s odd. That’s the same thing that Dumbledore said when he got here. Hmm… This looks more like a tortilla.

Play-Doh: Get your fu– (muffled) fucking hands off me!!

Pixel: Okay, now it looks more like the abstract concept of obsession. Let’s see. If what I twist this?

Play-Doh: (muffled) Patty?

Pixel: STOP CALLING ME PATTY!!! (goes nuts on the Play-Doh)

Play-Doh: (sound of Play-Doh altering the universe and creating a time vortex nine years into the future. In other words a “poof!”)

Pixel: Wow. What’s that? Who goes there? Speak, you scalawag!

Strange Guy Who Walked Through the Vortex while You weren’t Looking: Ah, the Pixel Brand of Humor, imitation with a long-since passed expiration date… oh, how I missed thee.

Pixel: Huh? Who are you? Why are you mocking me? And why do you smell faintly of urine and corn chips?

Strange Guy: You don’t recognize me? No, of course you don’t; I’m you.

Pixel: Me? Do you honestly think I’ll buy a hen n’ cow story like that? … If you’re really me, what number am I thinking of?

73¤!¿: You’re not. My arrival made you wonder what the Play-doh that you ate this morning is going to do when it passes through your system.

Pixel: Lucky guess. Okay, so what’s going to happen to it?

73¤!¿: The ancient Anasazi will think that the Gods really hate them.

Pixel: So… are you going to give me some sort of futuristic gift or are you just doing the invaluable advice bit?

73¤!¿: Neither. I came back to play pranks on you. I figure I’ll start with posting naked pictures of you on the school website, burning holes in strategic parts of all of your clothes, painting your car a flaming purple color, maybe telling off your teachers. You know, all the basics.

Pixel: What? Why?? Why would you do that?

73¤!¿: Because when I was you, a future me came back in time and almost did that to me. I swore vengeance, and you know how good I am at swearing. So now that I have the chance, I’m paying myself back for me.

Pixel: Oh. Okay. I guess that makes sense. But you can’t expect me to not get back at you. I’ll get my vengeance dang it, I swear it!

73¤!¿: What are you going to do? Go back in time and mess up my life??

Pixel: Maybe I will… (with one hand he balls up some Play-Doh behind his back.)

73¤!¿: Anyway, I also wanted to stop you from doing something that’s been bothering me since I was you. Something that you’re going to do that could kill us both.

Pixel: Hee-Ya, you Jackanapes!! (He throws the ball at him as hard as he can)

73¤!¿: Oh, dear. Not this! [the ball hits him and proceeds to cover him up like that mirror covered up Neo in the first Matrix (right before he busted out into the real world). Then, when just a big blue lump is left, it all fizzles and pops out of existence, killing 73¤!¿ in the process.]

Pixel: Wait a minute. Did I just kill myself? Or was that suicide? It should be.

Obviously I knew what I was getting into. Speaking of which, what the hell was I thinking?

It actually bites a little. Knowing exactly how and when I’m going to die. It really ticks me off too. I’m starting to severely hate my killer. It’s self-loathing taken to an odd extreme, I admit, but it’s a natural extreme none-the-less. I wonder if there’s a way to fix it all. Hmm… This could turn out to be bad for me… What do I do? I guess I should just never travel through time ever again…

I could, however, just go back in time early enough (like right before I killed myself) and tell myself to not kill me. Of course, then I’d have to wait around for that time vortex to open up again…

I should go back in time and stop me from killing myself. I think I will, actually.

Alright. It’s decided! I’m going to go back in time and warn myself!

And while I’m at it, I’ll get back at him by playing as many pranks as I can think up. I think I’ll start with the basics… Vengeance, you know… I’m such a jerk.

The Ind e-Pen +++vol+1+++BT+34+++ Introduction ================ School starts in three days. Which means that this Tuesday, I’m going to have a full load (18 hours) plus a class on deception that I’m going to show up for as long as I can, a website that I need to set up before the third week of…