Ind e-Pen # XLII, and now, a word from our sponsors

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1+++BT+42+++

Introduction
==================
I apologize for not writing yesterday. It’s just that sometimes when the pressure is big, and the crowd expectant, I freeze up. I don’t want to join the group. I’m afraid everyone’s judging me and I cannot enjoy myself.

Announcer: Has this ever happened to you?

Pixel: Yes, I just told you so, damn it.

Announcer: If this has ever happened to you, you probably have Social Anxiety Disorder, a disorder that coincidentally spells out SAD if you look at it closely, which affects as many as 299,999,991 Americans who, up until this commercial, had no idea that they were SAD. They are, though. The prescription drug Zyxqylwx2~yvz– which you cannot get without an uncaring doctor and a signed letter of intent to commit suicide– can treat this disorder with only a high to deadly degree of side-effects.

Pixel: What are other symptoms of SAD?

Announcer: Wouldn’t you much rather hear from paid actors with washboard stomachs immitating people who benefited from taking Zyxqylwx2~yvz at 1/1,000,000th the recommended dose?

Pixel: Well, yeah, sure, but I wanna know the other symptoms, too.

Paid Actor: After taking Zoloft for twelve–

Announcer: –Zyxqylwx2~yvz!!

Paid Actor: Bless you.

Announcer: (No! We changed the name of the drug amid reports of it blinding midgets and turning little boys into badgers with drug problems… Plus we became associated with Rush Limbaugh and nobody wants that)

Paid Actor: Whatever. After taking this drug, I was able to benchpress a Buick, which I was always too sad to do before. This drug also makes beautiful women come up to me and undress. It’s a real problem.

Announcer: When you know more about what’s wrong, you can help make it a little less wrong. And now cue the bouncing blob smiling at a flower.

Pixel: Wait. What about the other symptoms of SAD?

Announcer: Zyxqylwx2~yvz treats other things too! Like Post-Traumatic STRESS dis-or-der,, depression.., PANIC DISORDER!!!, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, PREMENSTRUAL DYSphoric disorder, and even happy stomach, inability to have trouble sleeping, constipation, wet mouth, homosexuality, feeling unusually awake, full-ness, not tremoring from indigestion, sweat, or agitation, and non-blue vision!

Pixel: Oh. What if I only want to cure ONE of those?

Announcer: Homosexuality?

Pixel: It could be something else!

Announcer: I’m sure it could. But, if you’re going to treat ONE thing, you might as well treat a bunch of stuff you don’t have yet!

Pixel: Yeah, I guess… So what were the other symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder.

Announcer: You could be depressed, too!

Pixel: Social. Anxiety. Disorder.

Announcer: In fact, on the way here, I accidentally ran over your dog and raped your grandmother’s corpse.

Pixel: Just tell me the symptoms.

Announcer: (phew! That confession was easier than I thought!). Okay, other symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder are nervousness around other people, being afraid of making a mistake, feeling like a fool, avoiding certain people, places, or social events, sweating, blushing, trembling, accelerated heartbeat.

Pixel: That happens everytime I meet a new cute girl.

Announcer: … Yeah. Okay.

Pixel: I meet girls!

Announcer: I didn’t say you didn’t.

Pixel: You didn’t say I did.

Announcer: Didn’t I?

Pixel: You didn’t.

Announcer: Sorry.

Pixel: It’s okay. But doesn’t social anxiety strike EVERYONE at some point or another?

Announcer: Yeah, but it’s orderly for them. This is a disorder. That, if you’ll look at my original statistic, affects everyone except for the nine people you happen to talk to in any given day.

Pixel: That makes me feel anxious.

Announcer: We knew it would.

Pixel: How can I find out more information?

Announcer: Why are you talking to a commercial? You stupid, stupid man.

Pixel: Sorry.

Announcer: It’s okay.

A Small Quiz:
Congrats to Jessy Salinas for calling Butt a homo and making him so sad (or whatever) that he didn’t respond. She gets a free Pix Capacitor for her ordeal.

This Week:
1: Do you have Social Anxiety Disorder? Be careful what you answer, we’re all staring at you.
2: Do you have PMDD, PTSD, OCD, NAACP, ACLU, GDP, or WMD?
3: Have you ever heard of David Cobb, Michael Badnarik, or… the other guy? You know… Mikey Peroutka?

The Ind e-Pen +++vol+1+++BT+42+++ Introduction ================== I apologize for not writing yesterday. It’s just that sometimes when the pressure is big, and the crowd expectant, I freeze up. I don’t want to join the group. I’m afraid everyone’s judging me and I cannot enjoy myself. Announcer: Has this ever happened to you? Pixel: Yes, I…

3 Comments

  1. 1) I’m sad that I’m flying…
    2)Yes, I have the following: Poking Mental Dirty Diapers, Pissing Tons of Stale Doobies, Ornithological City Dive-bombs, Naked Ahead of A Cat Pimp, Aggravated Clueless Lepers Underwear, Grand Drinking Piss, or Women Made Deserts?
    3) They all sound like failed attempts at food.

    -T Rob

  2. Damnit Carlos,

    I DID respond to that last email. Something must have gone awry. But
    anyways…..

    1: i have a small penis
    2: i have OPP yeah you know me!
    3: not sure

    Love,
    Butt

  3. Ha ha Butt,

    I believe you. I’m one of the only people that ever will, too, because there’s no way to prove that you DID respond! Ha ha ha!!!

    Silly Butt–
    –love,
    Carlos

    p.s. I am outside your bedroom with a sniper rifle as we speak. Give me one reason… just one reason…