I, Kid

While I don’t plan on having children in my own lifetime, I am confident I would be the perfect father.

Not in any of the ways you would imagine, though, because your goals for your child are completely distinct mine. You would probably want your child to have some sort of ‘childhood’ (a concept so precious no one ever has or ever will have one, those that think they do have obviously forgotten being a child). I, on the other hand, would:

• Not have a television or radio in the house for at least until the child enters school. I find that there are too many parents that are too impatient to raise their own children that they just sit them in front of the telly. I regard that as irresponsible. If you’re going to have kids, you should be able to care for them and raise them yourself, otherwise you’re just making both of your lives worse.
• When the child does decide he wants a television, I will not purchase one until he learns exactly how it works. Same goes for the radio and car later on.
• I’d teach my child algebra by first grade. It’s possible, trust me, I did it. I was my first grade teacher’s Master’s Thesis.
• I’d teach my child to read as early as possible. Four was my record, but I’ve heard of people learning by two.
• I’d teach my child Spanish, Sign Language, and any other language I could find a tutor for.
• I’d never placate or try to scare him. Gosh, that pissed me off as a kid: the cucuy will get you (alt. “El señor bandido”). This includes religion. I wouldn’t teach my child religion on the count that I want to raise my child prescriptively rather than proscriptively.
• Don’t tell stories about them whilst they are present. Another thing that bothered me.
• I’d train my child in martial arts and various sports.
• Raise him as a vegan. And make sure he knows the reason why.
• Teach him the values of intelligence over emotion.
• Teach him to solve a Rubik’s cube, play chess, play an instrument, and sing. Never mind that I can’t do most of that. I wouldn’t have to.
• Send him to a public school to share his wisdom with his peers, alternatively, to learn how to not be hated and deal with real people.
• Train him in philosophy and self-reliance. The ultimate goal is to have a child that could out-think, out-run, and out-everything anyone his age. A “Golden Human,” if you will. I’d make my kid a fully autonomous being with ungainly advantage over all other humans. None of this ‘learning from my mistakes’ bunk, he’d be able to move on and be a fully-responsible adult early on. A true philosopher-king.

I say ‘him’ in every instance for clarity’s sake, no more. I’d be more than happy to raise a girl. Interestingly, I’m afraid I’m going to have to raise this kid myself. I’m sure many of my ideas are too controversial for the average woman.

Unless there are any takers, of course 😉

While I don’t plan on having children in my own lifetime, I am confident I would be the perfect father. Not in any of the ways you would imagine, though, because your goals for your child are completely distinct mine. You would probably want your child to have some sort of ‘childhood’ (a concept so…