I, Kid

While I don’t plan on having children in my own lifetime, I am confident I would be the perfect father.

Not in any of the ways you would imagine, though, because your goals for your child are completely distinct mine. You would probably want your child to have some sort of ‘childhood’ (a concept so precious no one ever has or ever will have one, those that think they do have obviously forgotten being a child). I, on the other hand, would:

  • Not have a television or radio in the house for at least until the child enters school. I find that there are too many parents that are too impatient to raise their own children that they just sit them in front of the telly. I regard that as irresponsible. If you’re going to have kids, you should be able to care for them and raise them yourself, otherwise you’re just making both of your lives worse.
  • When the child does decide he wants a television, I will not purchase one until he learns exactly how it works. Same goes for the radio and car later on.
  • I’d teach my child algebra by first grade. It’s possible, trust me, I did it. I was my first grade teacher’s Master’s Thesis.
  • I’d teach my child to read as early as possible. Four was my record, but I’ve heard of people learning by two.
  • I’d teach my child Spanish, Sign Language, and any other language I could find a tutor for.
  • I’d never placate or try to scare him. Gosh, that pissed me off as a kid: the cucuy will get you (alt. “El señor bandido”). This includes religion. I wouldn’t teach my child religion on the count that I want to raise my child prescriptively rather than proscriptively.
  • Don’t tell stories about them whilst they are present. Another thing that bothered me.
  • I’d train my child in martial arts and various sports.
  • Raise him as a vegan. And make sure he knows the reason why.
  • Teach him the values of intelligence over emotion.
  • Teach him to solve a Rubik’s cube, play chess, play an instrument, and sing. Never mind that I can’t do most of that. I wouldn’t have to.
  • Send him to a public school to share his wisdom with his peers, alternatively, to learn how to not be hated and deal with real people.
  • Train him in philosophy and self-reliance. The ultimate goal is to have a child that could out-think, out-run, and out-everything anyone his age. A “Golden Human,” if you will. I’d make my kid a fully autonomous being with ungainly advantage over all other humans. None of this ‘learning from my mistakes’ bunk, he’d be able to move on and be a fully-responsible adult early on. A true philosopher-king.

I say ‘him’ in every instance for clarity’s sake, no more. I’d be more than happy to raise a girl. Interestingly, I’m afraid I’m going to have to raise this kid myself. I’m sure many of my ideas are too controversial for the average woman.

Unless there are any takers, of course πŸ˜‰

About Pixel

Pixel Q. Styx refuses to talk about himself. If thou wishest, thou may infer from his blog what thou wishest.
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4 Responses to I, Kid

  1. Pixel says:

    I totally agree with just about everything you said, you must rock.

    For the trial and error argument, I have doubts about whether it’s true. This kid would be my test of that. I figure it can’t hurt to try– I mean, if it fails, he’s right back with everyone in his peer group, right?

    And about the first part: I haven’t considered that the kid is going to be his (or his πŸ™‚ own person because I don’t know what kind of person that’s going to be, so I’ve planned for the worst case scenario: a sheep.

    But I doubt that’ll happen, there’s passion in my genes.

    But sadly, none on my jeans. Ha ha. Wait– I mean, Aww… πŸ™

  2. moof says:

    The only flaw I can see in your fathering is you haven’t considered the fact that the kid is gonna be his or her own person, regardless of how much you’d like to control how he or she thinks. Plus, there is heavy emphasis on autonomy, which is good, but it is not achieved through conditioning; it is only learned through trial and error. It’s like you want the kid to be perfect, and (s)he’ll never live up to such an expectation; “learning from my mistakes” is human. Also, emotions are human. Intelligence is limited without emotion; the greatest thinkers were quite passionate people.

    You want a superhuman seemingly; I’m sure we all do… I agree about the telling stories in front of them or scaring them, and about the TV/radio thing… even somewhat about the religion thing, but only in the sense that I would want to teach him or her about all faiths or religions instead of pre-choosing one path, and I would teach him or her about atheism and agnosticism too, not like it’s something wrong or contradictory to faith. I’d want him or her to have knowledge in all those areas of philosophy and religion and make a decision based on that rather than what society tells us is right.

    btw, I think your background should be something more subdued. Red evokes agitation I think, but that might not be a bad thing, after all. And you don’t seem like a bland person, so nothing neutral. I can see green for some reason.

  3. Raising a child as a vegan is child abuse, malnutrition. I can’t believe you would post this on a public blog and not apologize. Forget about me hanging around on this blog, you’re a disgusting fuck.

  4. T-Rob says:

    Child abuse?!?
    I do believe Mr. Pix will be doing his child a great favor by raising him vegan.
    Do you know where your meat comes from? I doubt it. You are not aware of the diseases that animal may have had,what steroids and antibiotics kept it alive.
    It’s not malnutrition if you eat a balanced diet, and any experianced vegan knows how to do that (such as Mr. Pix)
    I can’t believe you would post THAT on a public blog. Mr. Pix is entitled to write whatever he pleases, and raise his children in a manner that he feels is the best for them.
    Keep your hands off the keyboard next time you decide to be a close-minded asshole.

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