1: Have you ever seen Total Recall?
2: Yeah, but I can’t remember it.
Oh my gosh! I need SPF 40, they have 60 Watt lightbulbs in there!
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, which is two times more often than a clock that’s ten minutes fast. Of course, if given the choice, I’d prefer the one that’s ten minutes fast because at least it’s always close to the real time instead of just accidentally hitting it every once in a while.
Damn, that teacher schooled me.
2: Just once, I want to see an elimination movie where you don’t know who’s going to survive at the end.
1: Like the black guy?
2: Whoa, whoa there. The world’s not ready for a black guy to survive an entire movie.
“Aww, baby, they screwed up at the front desk! They accidentally gave us two beds!”
1: Are you okay, you seem depressed.
2: No, I’m fine. You’re projecting. It’s a psychological term for when you feel something yourself, but you trick yourself into seeing it in other people’s behavior. It’s okay, everyone does it.
2: Are you coming on to me?
I was so narcissistic, I’d call out my own name in bed. Then, when I hit rock bottom, my self-esteem was so low I accidentally called myself by the wrong name.
1: Have you ever had somebody agree with you when you wish they wouldn’t? Because they harm your argument more than they help it?
2: Yeah, because they’re Jewish? And they keep spinning that dreidel and calculating how much money you owe them?
My intro. to philosophy was great. Today, we had an exhaustive study on women philosophers. Those were some of the most insightful five minutes of my life.
2: If you ask a question while engaging in some serious rhetoric, is that a rhetorical question?
1: Well, I–
2: That was a rhetorical question.
My father left before he taught me how to shave… he’s been gone a year now.
1: I’m going to stop talking to people altogether.
1: I said, “I’m going to stop talking to people altogether.”
2: You need to work on that.
I always eat my caviar in nibbles and drink my wine with crazy straws.
2: I tried committing suicide once. I just sat in bed, staring at a jar of pills that I had in my hand for two hours.
1: And you couldn’t do it?
2: Nah, they were Flintstones vitamins.
Elementary kids are so short, I could go by a line of them and jab out my elbow at random intervals and only knock out every fifth kid.
Any joke I say is more jokes than you can laugh at.
(if you can’t beat ’em, drown ’em)