It’s time I admitted it, I’ve been having Writer’s Block for the past few weeks. So now I ask you to provide me with ideas. If you can think of something that needs making fun of, comment here.
I’ll also accept funny news articles or serious topics that most humour columnists wouldn’t touch with a 3-meter pole.
As I’ve found most people disagree with how I plan on raising my hypothetical children, I’ve decided to try one final argument. Hopefully I won’t need to dip my pen back into this ink bottle again. Personally, I’m sick of going over this again and again.
I am a vegetarian. If you cannot respect my personal choice of what to eat (without my pushing it on anyone), then we’re probably finished talking.
Frankly, what I eat has no bearing on who I am… well, in a physical sense yes, but in no other way… except for what it reveals of my own psyche.. well, whatever.
I am a vegetarian for moral reasons. That seems to be a meaningless qualifier to the prior position, but it’s important.
I have a hypothetical child who I can raise in any way I choose. This is the supposition needed. For we wouldn’t get into this problem but for this clause.
If you can respect my belief, surely you can respect my raising a child in my belief. It would be as illogical to ask me to raise my child a meat eater as it would be to ask an anti-Semite to raise a child Jewish.
Here we’re in new water. Some people might challenge this, saying that it would be wrong of me to raise a child in something I’m not certain of (or foolishly certain of). But I’m stuck in a dichotomy: either I raise my child vegetarian, or I don’t.
Either I raise him anti-Semitic, or I don’t.
Either I raise him speaking English, or I don’t.
Here, my uncle’s wise words come back to me: “Teach them what you know, let them figure out the rest.”
I could try to raise my children Jewish, speaking Arabic, and eating meat, but I would do it in such a terrible way that the child would be worse off than if I’d just gone ahead and ‘brainwashed’ him and raised him with the things I do know.
(note: I disagree with the term ‘brainwashing’ as it absolves a person of responsibility. Many people would consider my brother to be brainwashed, I’d consider him to be an idiot in need of thinking through his life decisions again)
The best thing I can do is teach my child to be autonomous– which is possible– and hope that he will realise his own personal correct course of action himself eventually.
As I have no choice but to raise him in my beliefs and teach him my way of thinking, the best course of action would be to do this until he can decide for himself. Similarly, a Christian’s best course of action would be to teach Christianity and assorted arguments for and against it, an anti-Semite’s best course of action would be to teach why or why not to hate Jewish people, and an English speaker’s best course of action would be to teach English and try to prod them along with other languages if possible.
When the child grows up or becomes rationally self-aware (I’m guessing age 10), he can make his own decision. I won’t stand in the way, so long as the decision is thought out and explained. For the time being, however, I have no choice but to raise him vegan and have him understand the reasons why.
(which was my original statement, damn it. I’d assumed people would know that this argument was behind it, but you know what they say about making assumptions… you make an ass out of ‘u’ and… um, ‘mptions.’ Damn.)
And now… attack my views at will. You know you want to.
Tao of Gabe
I’m Gabe the Adorable Beaver and you’re not.
My second favorite holiday—after Talk Like a Pirate Day— is upon us again. This Monday, you’ll be too old to go trick or treating, but you get one better: you get to give out candy. I’m Gabe “Rubs Salt in Your Wound” Beaver, here to entertain.
Now, it’s a little known fact, but just like children choose their costumes to look impressive, grown-ups choose which type of candy-givers they’re going to be to look impressing. There are multiple types of people you could pretend to be this Halloween.
You could be the high school girl on the phone. This type of person just had her plans ruined and is going to take it out on the kids by tossing candy as quickly as she can into their bags and getting back to the phone.
You could be the dad with the bad jokes. Pick a tired joke about the phrase “trick or treat” and use it on each new group of kids until somebody laughs or cries. For added effect, you could comment on each and every costume. Be sure to make the kids feel as if they’re your first visitors in years and figure out why.
You could go the granddad route and try to scare kids. The trick is to sit in a chair outside and wait until they come up to the house before you jump out. This only works because most children are trained from an early age to ignore the elderly. Heck, to this day I need circumstantial evidence to determine where my grandmother is when I go visit her.
Speaking of which, you could be the elderly grandmother. Even though children are trained to ignore the elderly, they’re innately adept at spotting candy, so you could grab their attention by carrying a large bowl out with you. Kids will see it as a hovering bowl of goodies and be impressed by the effect. The elderly grandmother is passive-aggressive, so each year she thinks of new ways to make children dread coming to her house. She could give out dimes, cokes, or the ‘crappy candy goodie bags’ that have those orange and black candies that NOBODY LIKES!!!
…
Then, there’s the hypothetical ideal house. The ideal house gives out entire candy bars
and is usually ran by a ‘cool mom’ or a ‘rad dad.’ The ideal house also has unicorns, a chocolate waterfall, the Fountain of Youth, and the better part of El Dorado. Everyone hears about this house, but few if any ever actually see it.
Alternatively, you could be the empty house in the hopes that nobody realizes you’re home. I’d advise against this as there’s bound to be at least one person who carries eggs with him whilst trick or treating.
This year it’s me.
Love, the spooky kind,
Gabe D. Beaver
“Remember Kids: I’m a member of the Canadian Mafia. I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse, eh?”
Trumpet Rob is a brutal monster.
He has green scales too.
A very brutal monster indeed.
And the beauty of it is that if he tries to sue me for slander, he’ll be laughed out of court! It’s libel, silly, in print it’s called libel.
Besides, I claim priviledge. And absence of malice. Also, it is the truth.. furthermore, I have no idea what he’s talking about and I wasn’t responsible.
My [label missing](s) is/are throwing a 20th and a half birthday party for me on Sunday, November 27th, 2005 in Lane Cove National Park.
Everyone who loves me should go… even if they have to take a 15 hour flight to get there 
Don’t you love how loving me is so trying on your wallet and patience?
You can RSVP by calling me at 0431563203.
Go ahead. I dare ya. The country code is 61.
to dial out of the United States dial 011