Tao of Gabe: On Writing the Tao of Gabe

Jayna,

This how to guide got me through writing this how to guide.

Love,

Gabe

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Iconoclastic Beaver here with a lesson in humor writing. You might well have incorrectly gathered that writing humor is simple from my skillful presentation in this prestigious paper.

Ha ha. I hadn’t realized I’d already started with the jokes [JAYNA: You know I love you (in that naughty no-no way)].

Okay, first some tips:

1. Humorous topics make boring stories and boring topics make even more boring stories. The thin line is one such that it makes one out of every hundred people say “that’s not funny!” in an indignant voice—the indignant voice is important—often times the other 99 burst out laughing at the one person’s nasal voice.
2. Hire an indignant, nasal person.
3. Offend both sides equally. For instance, on religion, you might say “Jesus recanted on the cross,” but you must immediately follow that with “and all atheists’ head and ass are interchangeable.”
4. Use random words oddly juxtaposed [EDITOR: Not only is the grammar in this sentence purposely badly written, but so is the grammar in this sentence]. For instance: quasi-homoerotic bubble gum and diabolically mellow jumping beans can both describe either foods or personal states [JAYNOPOLOUS: use some funny clipart for this].
5. Border on para-hallucinogenic paranoia… but you already knew that. Didn’t you? Didn’t you?
6. Avoid brute jokes. A brute joke is anything that’s so obvious, 25 percent of the audience has already thought it up before. It can also be any joke having to do with beer, sex, or bodily functions (except for certain types of burping and explosive flatulence, those are still funny). See most college newspaper’s humor columnists or CBS’ late show(s) for examples of this.
7. Avoid numbered lists or you’ll end up making up a number seven just to satisfy the audience’s sense of symmetry. This is especially difficult for me as my right forepaw is so much more muscular than my left… for some reason.

Next, the process:

1. Think of a topic. It generally has to either interest you, the reader, or fall into the metaphysical, possibly non-existent category of ‘objectively funny.’ Possible examples of objectively funny things are: an old man slipping on a banana peel, a large man getting nutted with a hackey sack, and the exact opposite of the Family Circus. Here I could either be referring to the comic strip or the magazine, both ways apply and people will usually react to that which offends them the most.
2. Start with a standard introduction. I use ‘______________ reports’ [JAYNINSANE: pick whichever writer has the best sense of humor and put his/her/their/its/my name in the blank] because of trademark issues with a Gabriel Dwight Berver of Chupadero, New Mexico (pop. 318).
3. Write text. Make sure there’s some semblance of a connection between each two or three sentence paragraph.

People don’t say “loosy goosey” enough anymore.

4. Come back to the paper several hours and some illicit substances later and add jokes to the end of each paragraph.
5. Come back after that and edit the paper while sober.

If you’re in a real rush, like I am, you can safely ignore 1, 2, and 5 with dishearteningly few consequences.

Finally, the closing. You must have a good closing. People who’ve read 400 words with only four and a half laugh beats are going to need a good closing. I recommend “sex you later” as it instantly gives you street cred in the sexual circles.

Love you now,

Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: If you hear of any sexual circles, let me know. They have to exist, they just have to!”

Jayna, This how to guide got me through writing this how to guide. Love, Gabe Tao of Gabe Gabe the Iconoclastic Beaver here with a lesson in humor writing. You might well have incorrectly gathered that writing humor is simple from my skillful presentation in this prestigious paper. Ha ha. I hadn’t realized I’d already…