Congratulations!

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a new Friend(tm) who will doubtlessly give you years of pleasure (actual pleasure not guaranteed, doubtlessness contested).

Before you give your Friend(tm) a spin, though, there are a few safety concerns that must be addressed first.

IMPORTANT SAFEGUARDS:

When using electrical appliances, basic safety precautions should always be followed, including the following:

• Read all instructions.
• Avoid touching your Friend(tm) unless otherwise asked to.
• Avoid rubbing your Friend(tm) (unless willing to upgrade to Friend(tm) With Privileges).
• Do not immerse Friend(tm) in liquid.
• Supervise your children playing with Friend(tm) (unless you’re one of THOSE parents).
• Allow to cool down after exercise.
• May be used outdoors, but only if Friend(tm) is not morbidly obese.
• Do not dislodge food trapped in Friend(tm) unless asked to.
• Do not use Friend(tm) for anything other than the intended use of product (i.e., not for propping up a car).
• Avoid operating damaged Friend(tm).
• Do not allow Friend(tm) to drink heavily before driving, unless you have a ‘spirit of adventure’.
• Avoid telling your Friend(tm) long boring stories about your trip to Miami where you met Claire and had a whale of a time and got sooooo fucking drunk that you puked on her dress and never called her again ha ha what a riot.
• When cleaning Friend(tm), make sure you’ve been actively asked to do so, or else that they’re comatose to the point you can raid their wallets afterward for further drinks.
• Do not expose Friend(tm) to open wiring.
• No, seriously, don’t.
• A fire may occur if Friend(tm) is covered with flammable liquids and exposed to an open flame. This isn’t a safety concern, per se, but more of a helpful reminder.
• The use of accessory attachments to your Friend(tm) (such as nipple clamps) are neither covered under warranty nor encouraged by the manufacturer (either God or a big BLAMMO, respectively).
• Mocking your Friend(tm)’s girlFriend(tm) may result in injury or death.

Product may vary slightly from what’s illustrated.

HOW TO USE:

The product is for personal use only, can be combined with other Friend(tm)s.

1. Greet your Friend(tm) and invite him to your home/a local bar/church/prison visiting room.
2. Engage your Friend(tm) in polite conversation.
3. Make witty retorts.
4. Apologise for what you said about your Friend(tm)’s mother, adding you were only ‘fooling around’.
5. Give a playful punch on your Friend(tm)’s arm.
6. Shy away from repeating the punch.
7. Engage in further conversation.

Repeat until your Friend(tm) leaves/you’re both drunk/he’s converted/its time for a cavity search.

Helpful hints:

• Don’t mention the war. I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it…
• Avoid having too many topics of conversation. Your Friend(tm) is only human, after all. Or at least that’s what his mother says (heyooooo!!)
• If food becomes lodged in your Friend(tm)’s gullet, help in extracting it. Unless your Friend(tm) has drool on him and stuff, in which case, just back away slowly and pretend you don’t know him.
• When conversation wanes, feel free to order another drink. Get your Friend(tm) to pay though, you’re not a charity worker after all.
• Topics that are ‘good’ for your Friend(tm): Dogs, parrots, cats, walruses, bears, ferrets. Wait… seriously, what is wrong with your friend? I mean, I like animals too, but JESUS…
• ‘Bad’ topics: Bricks, walls, mallets, asbestos, Garfield, the Cambodian Killing Fields, the war… oh jeez, I mentioned it again.
• When conversation ends, avoid making eye contact. They hate it when you do that. No, I don’t mean for everyone, just you. Why? Well, I know no-one tells you this, but damn, do you have a thyroid problem or something?!
• To interrupt the conversation at any time, just tell your Friend(tm) something that will produce a sudden pause. A good example is ‘ever seen whale penis?’. Only the most stalwartly conversationalist will be able to continue under such a statement.

CARE AND CLEANING:

Always ensure your Friend(tm) is clean at all times. In case of extreme drunkenness, the steps are as follows.

1. Remove pants
2. Oh shit oh shit, shoes first! SHOES!
3. Okay, NOW pants.
4. Put pants back ON, because your Friend(tm) isn’t wearing underwear and your soul has just been violated in so many ways.
5. Just kind of throw a blanket over him and rejoin the party.
6. Avoid thinking about the following: gherkins, cucumbers, sausages, columns, smoke stacks and cocktail wieners.

And there you have it. We hope you enjoy your Friend(tm) as much as you can in the years to come. Happy trails!

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a new Friend(tm) who will doubtlessly give you years of pleasure (actual pleasure not guaranteed, doubtlessness contested). Before you give your Friend(tm) a spin, though, there are a few safety concerns that must be addressed first. IMPORTANT SAFEGUARDS: When using electrical appliances, basic safety precautions should always…