Tao of Gabe: On Mass Guys

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Light-hearted Beaver here continuing his analysis of what happens when the human genders, XY and Roman numeral twenty, are forced into confined spaces for large periods of time. As you’ll recall, last week I gave an analysis of women.

My analysis, from my extensive research into the archives of stuff I’ve pulled out of my ass in the past, said that women talk trash due to a genetic abnormality: their need to ‘share‘ their troubles.

Guys don’t understand this. Though, to be fair, guys don’t understand much of anything.

In fact, I bet all of the women reading this just thought to themselves how true that was and all of the guys just skimmed past it in hopes of getting to more naughty words like ‘ass.’

Girls say that guys are complicated, completely missing the point: that girls overcomplicate things. They also overanalyze things. This combination creates a “Dynasty” situation for women in which every single person has their own agenda and every woman wants to bring every other woman down.
I’m not saying that this isn’t the case. Hell, women usually hate other women, who then pick up on the animosity and run with it. This creates what I’ll call the ‘Dynasty-effect.’
Guys don’t live like that. For a true guy, life is more like Seinfeld. And as such, when guys are around other guys, the focus isn’t on who hates who, but what is going on, amusement, and philosophy.
This, like all other situations of human interaction, is greatly reduced when multiple humans are involved. I call this the ‘lowest common denominator effect.’
Here’s an example: suppose you show up to a party in which you have no choice but to interact with dozens of strangers. Now suppose you find yourself with a group of guys on some balcony somewhere talking. It doesn’t matter whether the guys are rocket scientists or frat boys, you won’t find yourself discussing people but superficially.
You might discuss how blotto everyone was last Saturday (very) and how close your friend was to being arrested (ridiculously), but not that you can’t tell whether a girl at school likes you (she doesn’t). Alternatively, you might discuss the meaning of life (pi) and whether humans define their existence through misery (no, but it’s the closest Stephen King book), but not how you feel inside when you’re with the person you care about.
This isn’t to say that guys don’t talk about this stuff; they just talk to fewer people at a time about it. Even if they’re alone with a dozen other guys throughout the day, inner thoughts just won’t be discussed.
Unfortunately, this shutting off of the frontal lobe when guys are around multiple acquaintances causes some ill effects… as can be seen in the proverbial frat party and political committees.
Guys are goal-oriented, which means that they ignore the minutiae that girls thrive on. Girls are relationship-oriented and so ignore the fact that each new relationship tears apart an old one.
It’s not that one way is wrong; it’s just that humans are stupid.

Love, Dynastically,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: that time I was so drunk that I wrote a column about how guys always compare their ‘drunk’ stories like anybody ever gives a damn? Yeah, that was a funny column…“

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One Response to Tao of Gabe: On Mass Guys

  1. Karl says:

    Dearest Gabe,

    Is our long-distance friendship working? I am afraid I may have mis-edited your advice in The Lachlan Review two weeks ago. I just missed the expletive altogether. Which saved me hours of ethical equivocation – handy when you are sitting on couches rather than fences. No point equivocating without a fence. Anyhow, i am sorry if I misled my readers – who are also sometimes your readers. The overlap is probably one too many if it comes after the final lap.

    My sincerest apologies,
    P.S. I reserve the right to withdraw or retract my apology in the event of any legal action being taken against me.

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