WIRED
- by Ex_cal
ME: Sorry, what were you saying?
TED: What?
ME: I just had an itch back there, that’s all. What were you saying?
TED: …I’ve been talking for ten minutes…
ME: True, true… but um… recap.
TED: …Are you on drugs?
ME: Not at the moment, just refresh my memory.
TED: (sighs) FINE. I’ve been cheating on Julia.
ME: With who again?
TED: Are you sure you’re not high? With my secretary, Sarah.
ME: Ah yes… yes…
TED: Since when do you wear a flower on your lapel?
ME: Um…. never mind the flower.
TED: Anyway, keep this talk between us yeah?
ME: Of course, what are friends for?
SARAH: –What was that beep?
ME: Oh just my mobile.
SARAH: Okay.
ME: Mm… so… what were you saying?
SARAH: Just that Ted makes me feel so alive, ya know. Like… like, I matter.
ME: Uh huh. And what did he buy you?
SARAH: Do you have memory problems?
ME: Um… the doctors aren’t sure. Indulge me.
SARAH: Well, he got me a new car.
ME: A PORSCHE wasn’t it?
SARAH: Yeah!
ME: That’s so much better than the Toyota he got his wife.
SARAH: Who are you talking to?
ME: Oh sorry, just lapsed in concentration there. Thinking out loud.
SARAH: Well I’m glad you’re here to talk with.
ME: I’ll never betray you.
JULIA: Hi there.
ME: Hi, thank you for meeting me here.
JULIA: No problem. Hey, nice flower!
ME: Thanks. So what were you say—
SNIIIIFFFF
JULIA: –twice tonight.
ME: Say again, I missed some of that?
JULIA: I said Ted called me twice tonight, trying to apologise.
ME: What’d you say?
JULIA: I’ll tell you what I said! I said-
THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD
ME: Please don’t prod my lapel like that.
JULIA: Sorry.
ME: I don’t know mum, I’m starting to think that recording my friends is the wrong thing to do…
MUM: Wait a second honey.
BEEP
ME: What was that?
MUM: My mobile.
ME: …You don’t have a mobile…
MUM: Um… truck backing up…
ME: Oh.
MUM: So what were you saying?
ME: I was saying that recording my friends may be the wrong thing.
MUM: Uh huh, and who are you?
ME: Your SON!
MUM: Oh that’s right.
ME: You having memory problems?
MUM: No, no, just making sure.
ME: You won’t tell anybody, right?
MUM: Of course not son. If you can’t trust your mother, who can you trust?
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ME: Sorry, what were you saying? TED: What? ME: I just had an itch back there, that’s all. What were you saying? TED: …I’ve been talking for ten minutes… ME: True, true… but um… recap. TED: …Are you on drugs? ME: Not at the moment, just refresh my memory. TED: (sighs) FINE. I’ve been cheating…
Hey mate, I have a question. You remember that one time I asked everyone if they wanted to write for my viewspaper and you agreed? And now I’m publishing your ‘trivial pursuit’ piece in the next issue?
Yeah.. why didn’t you ask to write humorous stuff? (It’s the way I say ‘funny shit’ when I think women are reading. Shh!)
The stuff you’ve written now is better than the stuff I’ve written lately.
Coincidentally, this is conspicuously a covert compliment to Carlos as I’ve not written anything lately.
Ha ha. Aren’t I a riot?
Eh, I fluctuate. I’d hate to be known as ‘that funny guy’, cause I’m deep… and shit.
Yes, a riot wrapped in a hoo-hah.
If I ever see you wearing a flower…
… I might point and laugh.
Dirk, honey, keep writing here… cos for some reason, perhaps its the lighter coloured layout. you seem. lighter. brighter and slightly less stained 😛