Jury *what*?!
Just now I wrote a nice lengthy excuse to get out of jury duty. Something about how Jesus said don’t judge other people blah blah. It’s all very complicated, and I’m sure you aren’t after hearing the details. Lord knows, I hope the people at the court don’t want to hear the details. Hence why I peppered my excuse with lengthy Bible passages all cunningly formulated to reduce whoever reads it with a big case of the ‘rolling eyes’ and a hefty dose of ‘tearing up the excuse in a huff after striking my name from the registry’.
So civil disobedience isn’t dead. But now sitting in the afterglow of the excuse of a religion I don’t really follow any more (I have a love hate thing going on: God hates me, but I love his creation [women]) I will now put forward ways YOU TOO can get out of jury duty when the time comes.
- Make up your OWN RELIGION. Now this is more of a weekend excuse, if you have time. I recommend starting off your excuse with something along the lines of “L Ron Hubbard was a douche” and then move on to point out that he totally misrepresented Xenu and that Cruise and Travolta aren’t THAT dumb anyway. Make your religion as farfetched as possible, as the people in the courthouse LOVE a surprise more than a fat kid loves cake (ah, 50 Cent, you’re a veritable Yates).
- Claim you’re a secret agent. The secret (ha! Wordplay! Move over 50!) here is to make your excuse esoteric and metaphorical. Stuff like “I’m afraid I’ll be in Geneva in the morning, and who knows when I’ll be back. Maybe never if they ever find me.” Also remember not to sign your name, if this is your tack, and date the paper in binary (cause binary is cool, right?). Your address should confuse the issue further. ‘Behind you!’ is the perfect example of a secret agent’s address. Bonus points if you actually manage to be behind them when they open the letter.
- Write your excuse in a rambling, self-serving manner, kind of like what Hemmingway would write. If he didn’t have talent, I mean. Narrative structures be damned! Just sit down and start scribbling. Think more like Hunter S. Thompson than you ever have before (no, I’m NOT condoning drug use. Just recommending it). Start off your excuse with a bold first line that actually shocks the reader. “I dismembered the remains of the Christmas turkey sometime around noon on a winter squabble. Fleep!” Move on from there, outlining why, indeed, you ARE the Lizard King… oh and you shouldn’t do jury duty, I guess.
- Draw a picture of a famous celebrity instead of an actual excuse. Especially Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a weird style. Saying shut the fuck up. I don’t care what you say, this is ART.
So there you have a quick example of how to exercise your civic right to be a lazy ass. Seriously tho, fuck the judiciary. Oooh, how political of me!
Just now I wrote a nice lengthy excuse to get out of jury duty. Something about how Jesus said don’t judge other people blah blah. It’s all very complicated, and I’m sure you aren’t after hearing the details. Lord knows, I hope the people at the court don’t want to hear the details. Hence why…
Quoth the Silverman, ‘So I’m filling out the form. And my friend said, “Why don’t you just write something really inappropriate, like I hate Chinks?” And I said, “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” But I don’t want people to think that of me, you know? I just wanna get out of jury duty. So I just filled out the form, and I wrote, “I love Chinks.” And who doesn’t?’