Remember that guy that raped, murdered and ate the flesh of sixteen orphans last year? Yeah, well, he’s going around collecting money for UNICEF and I think we should do a nice feature story on him.
(recoveries gone wrong)
2: Did you see your mommy this weekend?
1: My mother is dead.
2: Did you go to the graveyard and see your dead mommy this weekend??
(Headlines I’d wish I could write)
Millions die after April Fool’s Dear Abby column
2: So, I got caught looting.
1: Where? What happened?
2: I heard the siren, saw everyone running out, so I grabbed a few mouses, a computer and someone’s troll doll collection and ran out.
1: And where did the police catch you?
2: Outside. It turns out it was a fire drill.
And now, the national anthem as played by the bag pipes, accordion, a tamborine and featuring CHER! .. On the electric triangle.
2: See, on that issue, I can see both sides.
1: On slavery?
2: Well, yeah. See, on the one hand, it’s the brutal treatment of a fellow human being, devaluing them to their material abilities and their usefulness for your own selfish gain based on something as arbitrary as shade of skin, but on the other hand… think of the savings!
I like Trinidad, but fuck Tobago!
1: What’s a three-letter word for homosexual? The middle letter is A.
2: Is there a ‘G’ in it?
1: Yeah, it could be the first letter.
2: Well, then I have no idea.
I’m glad I don’t have OCD… I’m glad I don’t have OCD. I’m glad I don’t have OCD.
2: She’s the vomiting image of your sister.
1: Don’t you mean ‘spitting image?’
2: Not with the way she looks.
Get a load of this obituary: “He went home to be with his maker.” Huh. Who’d’ve thought his maker was Satan?
1: X-Men 3 was dumb.
2: How dumb was it? Dumber than Citizen Kane? Dumber than Casablanca? Dumber than the Godfather?
1: Yeah, wait… what?