Advice for First-Time Parents

2: I think I’m getting my hearing back, how about you?
1: What?
2: WHAT??

• In order to not spoil your child, pay equal amounts of attention to something else. We recommend drugs or alcohol.
• The sooner you start feeding your child meat and veggies, the sooner he’ll be a man and not let you down.
• If your boy sees the color pink before he’s five, he’ll turn gay.
• Don’t let your child see you fight.  It will traumatize him.
• If you really push all the things you weren’t good at in primary school, your child will become good at them and stop being an embarrassment to you.
• When your child starts elementary school, you are no longer responsible for his education.  You can literally take the next 13 years off from learning.
• If you make your daughter think she’s constantly fat, it’ll push her to lose weight and be healthy.
• Kids have too many dreams.  Please eliminate three.
• If your child has an impractical desire, part of your job as a good parent is to convince them they really love something else that’s more practical.  No sense letting life beat that lesson into them when you can do it instead.
• Take your child to church with you every week so that he learns to worship God how you do.
• Remind your child to bury all her questions about religion deep down inside.  Jesus will answer them all in the afterlife.
• Remember to make your teenage child aware of the unnaturalness of their libido during their teenage years.
• Let your child know she can trust you with anything and everything.  Then, to make sure she’s not keeping secrets, keep up to date on her diary.  The more you know of what she puts into her diary, the better parent you are.  Remember: you can tell how good of a parent you are by how many of your child’s secrets you know.
• A good game to play in a two-parent household is to challenge each other to see who can be the better parent.  A quick way to get an advantage is to convince your child that her other parent beats you and has a floozy on the side.
• Buying everything that’s popular for your child will ensure he won’t be made fun of at school.  To offset the possibility of your child becoming spoiled, we suggest you beat them when they talk back.
• Teach your child that everything you taught them is right and their teacher is wrong.  Getting your child’s respect is more important for you than it is for her teacher, after all.
• Children are a great source of cheap labor.  Increase your child’s chores every time they ask for something or talk back to you.
• Make sure to discourage any questions your child might ask that you don’t know the answer to.  No sense having your child lose respect for your abilities.
• If your child tries to tell you something important to her, it’s important to avoid treating it seriously.  Your children come to you for reassurance and levity.  They don’t want to be more worried after talking to you than before.
• Keep a running tab of everything your children have cost you.  Include intangibles, hypotheticals and abstracts.  Then, instead of paying for their college tuition, give them a bill.  Be sure you include interest: it’ll make them realize you consider them adults.

2: I think I’m getting my hearing back, how about you? 1: What? 2: WHAT?? In order to not spoil your child, pay equal amounts of attention to something else. We recommend drugs or alcohol. The sooner you start feeding your child meat and veggies, the sooner he’ll be a man and not let you…