Dear Pixel, age 11,

Sorry about the bad advice I gave you last time. I couldn’t help it. It just seemed hilarious at the time. Besides, some jerk future version of myself did it to me when I was your age and he was the age I am now. If I ever get a hold of that bastard, I’ll teach him a lesson. You mark my words!

Anyway, on to the advice:

• Resort to psychological warfare, especially when dealing with bullies. Practice saying this into the mirror until you can pull it off with a straight face and a look of disappointed pity: “Picking on me? Really? No wonder your parents yell all the time. You’re a bad child. You’re the reason they fight. They probably wish you’d never been born. You get in their way. Nobody could love you. You’re a bad child. If they get a divorce, it’ll be your fault. They would have been happy if they’d only had your brother. That’s why you have to take it out on me: it’s the only way anybody will pay attention to you. I just wish you knew how sad and pathetic everyone at school thinks you are. It actually makes me feel bad for you.”
• Do research on your teachers. Find out what school they graduated from and what they’re certified to teach. Then use it in creepy and mysterious ways.
• No matter how certain you are of what you want to do when you grow up, give yourself some wiggle room.
• Avoid getting suckered into activities simply because you don’t want to disappoint someone. That disappoints me.
• Drop the classes you didn’t think you could drop because of some mysterious ‘obligation.’
• Get new glasses or a new hairstyle. I just saw a picture of you and… yikes.
• Don’t talk in class. This goes well with my next piece of advice:
• Shut up.
• Victory is in numbers. Whether it’s a terrible teacher or a self-centered ‘popular clique,’ remember that in high school this will all seem silly. Try to gather all the unpopular kids and unite them against a common enemy. It’s surprising how easy it is to get people behind a geed idea.
• Start writing. You’re better than that junk you read, you just haven’t developed it yet.
• Talk to old friends you grew apart from. You might not get the chance to fix the relationship later when you really want to.
• I’m not going to lie to you, this year is going to suck, but at the end of it all, you’ll be a better person for it.
• Oh, and learn to tell when future versions of yourself are lying to you.

I’ll write some more when I think of it. Expect it in a year or so. You can write back to me via futureme.org or using a time capsule.

So long, sugartits!

– Pixelation Qyw Styx, age 22, ©2007

p.s. I hate you. Try to not be hateworthy.

Sorry about the bad advice I gave you last time. I couldn’t help it. It just seemed hilarious at the time. Besides, some jerk future version of myself did it to me when I was your age and he was the age I am now. If I ever get a hold of that bastard, I’ll…