Why being attacked by zombies might rock

I suppose you won’t bother with a corresponding Pros list, though for completeness’ sake – you really should.

Radioactive Jam said on Thursday, 4 October, 2007
  • Sudden food and electronics binge to die for.
  • Never a dull day again.
  • Your existential crisis will end… one way or another.
  • Target practice: House of the Dead style.
  • If you maneuver your group right, you might end up living in a really nice mansion.
  • No more Mondays… EVER.
  • When eternal death is no longer certain, that means you can stop worrying about taxes too!
  • You’ll finally have time to finish all those books you never got to read.
  • The chicks that do survive will inevitably be crazy or cool.
  • The fact that nobody from your former life will survive will give you ample opportunity to rename yourself something cool like “Cupcake,” “Adelay” or “Star.”
  • Suddenly, the increased risk of cancer from smoking doesn’t seem so bad anymore.
  • Your chance to impress that girl you never got to impress is now!
  • No more need to recharge your cell phone.
  • No need to get up before noon.
  • Telemarketing will be a thing of the past.
  • Philanthropy will consist of whether you axe someone in the face or leave them to the zombies.
  • No single-issue voters.
  • (Although, I might vote for the pro-zombie candidate so long as he’s not pro-gay zombies)
  • One word: Grand-theft-auto-bumper-cars!
  • Finally get to see flame-throwers in practice.
  • Might will finally make right.
  • Zombie growls might fade into a dull echo. After time, you might even find the noise soothing and be unable to sleep without it.
  • Giant magnifying glass to light zombies on fire from far away.
  • You’ll get to build a moat.
  • Surviving off rats for sustenance might actually be healthier than McDonald’s.
  • Faking smarts in obscure areas will be easier.
  • All those abstruse long words will finally be written out of the language.
  • Zombie will replace ‘Mexican’ in all of the most fun idioms: “Man, you’re as lazy as a zombie,” “Zombie-back,” “Give a nibble, take a bite.”
  • Free rentals.
  • Diet and exercise.
  • New long-term project is pleasantly challenging, yet desirable: survive.
    Optional goals: meet new group of surviving sorority girls.
  • Fake vomit will still be hilarious!
  • If you use the right precautions, Halloween trick-or-treating might just be fun again.
  • Great subject matter for a book.
  • You’ll have a reason why you don’t like any new music.
  • Great new small talk subject: “so, who’d you lose?”
    Caution: might lead to fits of uncontrollable crying.
  • Hilariously ironic hypotheticals of “why not being attacked by zombies would have rocked…”
  • All that planning will finally pay off.
  • You might get to machete your zombie best friend in the face.

Note: I originally wasn’t going to write this post as I predicted (fairly accurately, it turns out) that it would just end up being a list of everyday things to bitch about, but it would be silly not to write it just because it wouldn’t be good or original. If that’s my motivation, I’m writing for the wrong blog. Besides, I like sequels. This post has nothing to do with my previous post– But it should.

About Pixel

Pixel Q. Styx refuses to talk about himself. If thou wishest, thou may infer from his blog what thou wishest.
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