Hobbes was Right!

Why education makes jokes funnier

Today I am thankful life isn’t… Calvinball!

My friend Frank just proved ((I agree with the conclusion and the steps seem sound, but if it turns out that he’s wrong, I completely disavow ever knowing him.)) that Calvinball is not a sport. See, a sport is an event where two or more people interact in order to secure a common or opposed objective with no other aim but recreation or competition. Cheating is regulated in sports because cheating is completely contrary to the goals of the game. If cheating were allowed, true competition could only exist if both players cheated, thus nullifying the effect of cheating.

In order for a sport to do the function of a sport, ((Jeez, I sound like Aristotle… If I start being misogynistic and training future dictators, stop me.)) it must regulate cheating directly or indirectly. Otherwise it’s just not a very good sport. How can I be sure of this? Let’s begin by defining our terms. ((And now I’m being Socrates… if I start corrupting children and being a gadfly to public officials, just let me keep going.)) This is why Zeus invented plug-ins. *Ahem!*

  • cheat
    • to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice in flagrant violation of the rules
  • sport
    • An activity requiring physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment.
  • rule
    • a guide for conduct or action
    • an accepted procedure, custom, or habit
  • competition
    • a contest between rivals

People get together in sports to compete. Competitions can only be true competitions if they accurately define their set limits, or rules. Otherwise competitions would not measure the performance of an athlete so much as his prowess at cheating without being caught. So, sports must have rules. Cheating is defined here as anything that gives someone an unfair advantage outside of the rules of the sport. Thus, a sport with no set rules could not have any cheating either. Luckily, we have an example of such a ‘sport,’ Calvinball. But, from how we have defined sports here, Calvinball cannot be a sport.

Logically:

  1. If something is a sport, then it is a competition (p – > q)
  2. Competitions require rules, so if something is a competition, then it has rules (=df, q – > r)
  3. Calvinball has no set rules, in fact, no rule can be used more than once (~r)
  4. Therefore, Calvinball is not a sport.

As sports tend to allow cheating, they tend to relax their rules and be more like Calvinball. Since we have shown Calvinball is not a sport, then in every instance a sport allows cheating, it is not following it’s own rule. It’s unsportsmanlike if you will.

What does this mean? Not much. It just means Barry Bonds can keep his record if we create a league of people who are allowed and encouraged to use any and all illegal substances. ((We’ll call it Major League Baseball.)) Only in that way would his record be a true reflection of his ability. Otherwise everyone is just running around playing Calvinball. ((Note: This post might be interpreted as a reductio ad absurdum of cheating in sports. It is not, I like the conclusion, I’m all for allowing athletes to dope up for entertainment and pure speculation of the true limits of human activities.))

Why education makes jokes funnier Today I am thankful life isn’t… Calvinball! My friend Frank just proved ((I agree with the conclusion and the steps seem sound, but if it turns out that he’s wrong, I completely disavow ever knowing him.)) that Calvinball is not a sport. See, a sport is an event where two…