Some more types of problems

My friend Benjamin Jagear used to always say to me, “Pixel – look at all of the problems in your life and ask yourself: how many of those problems were caused by your enemies and how many can be traced back to your friends?”

The idea was simple: your enemies, in real life, tend to steer clear of you.  They might harbor feelings of revenge and cut up the cords to all of your office electronics or drive by at night, slowly, to scare you.  But they don’t really take a big enough part of your life for it to matter.

Your friends, on the other hand, do.  And since they’re your friends, they have a way of making their problems yours.  Say your friend is arrested and he needs bail money.  That problem– which you had no involvement in! (that they can prove) – has just become your problem too.  Say they’re dealing with girl drama.  That problem– which you totally didn’t cause– is now yours.

Despite the initial skepticism, this idea eventually became quite plausible to me.  Friends = bad, Enemies = good.  You should totally keep good things closer than bad things.  I get it.

But this morning I had a revelation.  Not all problems are friend/enemy problems!  Some are family/lady problems!  For instance, one of my favorite uncles died Sunday.  He wasn’t my enemy.  I guess I could count him as a friend, but really ‘family’ is more appropriate.

So the real tally should be a ratio of how many of your problems are friend-caused, enemy-caused, family-caused, or lady-caused.  [1]Please feel free to substitute ‘gentleman’ for lady if it is more appropriate for you. Also, ‘whore,’ ‘wench,’ and ‘woman’ are acceptable.

But wait!

Jay-Z had 99 problems and a bitch wasn’t one.  Does that mean that the other were all friend/enemy/family problems?  Possibly.  But he also had legal, drug, and mo’ money problems.  And any one of those can be personal.

So we should extend the list a bit.  This is what I have so far.  Let me know what you think. [2]The last row is empty because I’m probably going to keep adding to this list.

Type of Problem







I needs money!
My friend needs money!
My brother needs money for rent!
My bank account has been erased!
The bitch wants all my money!


The boss is always breathing down my neck!
My friend needs bail!
My brother’s child is being taken away!
I’m being framed for murder!
The bitch wants the kids!

Addiction/ Motivation

I can’t seem to do any work!
My friend is stuck on the heroin (No pun intended!)
My brother is addicted to gambling!
Who spiked my daily coffee with cocaine?!
The bitch just keeps buying shoes!


I have the cancer!
My friend looks pretty yellow!
My brother has the diabetes!
I am tied to train tracks!
The bitch has got the herp!


Everyone thinks I pee my pants!
My friend totally alienated everyone!
My brother insists on hanging out with me!
Everyone thinks I’m the bad guy!
The bitch told everybody about my penis!


I’m worthless!
My friend needs constant cheering up!
My brother’s going through a divorce!
Did someone classically condition me to cry when my phone rings?!
The bitch is on the rag!


I got punched in the face!
My friend picked a bar fight!
My brother is at war!
Why did I bring a knife to a fork fight?!
The bitch keeps slapping me in the face!

Notes   [ + ]

1. Please feel free to substitute ‘gentleman’ for lady if it is more appropriate for you. Also, ‘whore,’ ‘wench,’ and ‘woman’ are acceptable.
2. The last row is empty because I’m probably going to keep adding to this list.

About Pixel

Pixel Q. Styx refuses to talk about himself. If thou wishest, thou may infer from his blog what thou wishest.
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3 Responses to Some more types of problems

  1. Bre says:

    My favorite part is that all of your family stuff is about your brother. Surely you have other difficult family members! I know I do.

  2. mez says:

    This is so brilliant I don’t even know where to begin…

  3. Pixel says:

    Hm. I always thought mez was Mëznor, but the Google suggests you’re from California rather than Canada. So maybe you’re a real freader.

    Nice to meet you mez. What’s your angriest memory?

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