I just hurt myself by literally shuffling too hard.

When I die, I want my funeral procession to just be an elaborate game of centipede.

“I can’t go home with you. Then you wouldn’t respect me in the morning!” “Why, are you not very good?”

I’m a lover, not a fighter. Specifically, I love to fight.

2011 — the pothole in memory lane.

We agree on tomato and potato, but here we’re going to have to call the whole thing off!

?x(Gx) Where Gx = If ?x(Gx) ? ?x~(Gx) In other words… “All generalizations are false.”

I sold my watch to buy you a watch chain. … I’m bad at presents.

Teaching ethics is great. When else can you start a sentence with “suppose you find the smell of burning cats erotic” and get away with it?

Freud was such an idmaniac.

… just found some plagiarism. Fuck. The student I caught plagiarizing just emailed me to complain about his grade, asking how he should appeal. Here’s a hint: don’t.

I’m discussing higher and lower pleasures tomorrow. So tonight I’m going to eat, drink, and celebrate Christmas.

I’m going to go out and get breakfast. You know- seize the day!

Carbon Monoxide FAQs: Q: What do you do if you wake up dead? A: Consult your metaphysician immediately.

I need to set my bathroom scale to Log to make me feel better.

Don’t you know the rules of the road? Weren’t they printed on the Cracker Jack box where you got your driver’s license?

I like the idea of saving things in inappropriate media: “I’ve enclosed our band’s demo song. Please see the attached Word doc.”