Ind e-Pen XVII

The Ind e-Pen


I wonder what New York City’s like… Do you wonder too? Well, I’ll tell you what: I’ll leave tonight at midnight, hang out with around the crunch, big red fruit, come back on Sunday, and report my findings… next week. Don’t you just love how I make it sound like I haven’t been planning this for a month? Yeah, I’m smooth…

Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Evilness pays.

Every month, the cafeteria here at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania publishes new menus for the entire month. The idea is to know where all the food is, just in case we want to get fatter (Aramark: “Helping college students with their Freshman Fifteen for over Fifty years!”).
This last month, they got lazy. Instead of making a calendar for April and a separate one for the four and a half days we go to school in May, they decided to combine the two. Since I was born in May, when the calendars first came out, I figured it was my duty to split them up into two separate entities. So I set out to do it– then I promptly forgot about it.
Later, I realized that if I replaced them all with miniature Pix Capacitors, I could get some serious advertising at the school’s expense. Ha! To prepare for my plan, I stole one of their calendars, just to make sure I had the dimensions straight (I didn’t, they were 7.16″ tall and 4.89″ wide. Which is, coincidentally, the worst pick-up line I’ve ever used).
Somehow, my original idea became twisted and warped. Instead of promoting my own agenda, it became mocking Aramark’s agenda. Instead of printing my own miniature Pix Capacitors, I just Davenported the calendars. That is to say that I scanned one into my computer and rearranged it pixel by pixel (ha!) until it said what I wanted it to say.
By the time I finished, two days and fourteen working hours later, I had a calendar that was more vulgar than a sailor with phallic gangrene.
Here, let me give you some examples of what I did:

“Customer Appreciation Day” became “Partial Nudity Day”
“Buy a Chick-fil-A 12-pack and get a drink for free” became “Buy a Coors 12-Pack and get a drunk Chick free.”
“Bene Pizza” became “Pene Pizza”
“Proudly serving 10 subs under 10 grams of fat” became “Proudly serving 10 year old nude little boys”
“Buy a Java City Mug and receive great savings on Java City Products” became “Buy a Java City Mug and receive great head.”
“Good luck with Finals” became… well, I’ll let you figure that one out on your own.

I printed out the calendars, made about 10 copies (hey, I can’t spend more than $5 on copies! How would I buy my pogs?), and subtly replaced the originals with my new, improved versions– When I say subtle, I mean that I walked up to tables, took their calendar, replaced it with my own, and did an evil laugh all the way to the next table. It was a fun experience.

That is until I found out that there were people that found the prank so funny that they stole the calendars– which negates the prank, if you think about it. Oy, people are stupid–

Here’s a thought:
The fun of a subject is directly proportionate to how short its name is. For instance, Art? Awesome good time. Analytical Geometry? You could have more fun eating the tainted sand of a two-month old’s sandbox. It works for other things, too! A girl named Amy is likely to be blonde and all-smiles. Gertrude? She’s probably cutting Amy’s brakes right now. Of course, you can never trust something that’s short because it’s been shortened. PMS is never okay. Especially for the people who have to deal with it: the men (see, we put up with the women when they get it). That was a short thought– sorry.

One last thing:

Last week I asked what NASCAR stood for. For some reason, I received twice as many answers as usual. Apparently, the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing has a lot of fans and/or haters. Among these, were everything from right answers to wrong answers, early answers to late answers, and even a nice poem which I’ll share with you. The winners? I’ll say Alicia Cardoza and Jcak Nagel. Jcak for being the first, Alicia for her unique answer– also, because they live the furthest away. A free Pix Capacitor for you two. Good jorb!

Last Week’s Question: What does NASCAR stand for?

Most Excellent Answer:
Nice of you to ask us about our very fast cars. We
Are so proud of them that we take
Showers with them to wash the
Carburetor as clean as a whistle.
Also, we are tired of everyone saying that we are overpayed, walking billboards for our
Respective soft drink or potato chip companies. We are awesome! Vroooomm….

This Week’s Question: What’s the most outrageous/spontaneous thing that you’ve ever done?


  1. Craziest thing I’ve ever done.

    So, it’s mid-October and, living in Pennsylvania, that means quite chilly temperatures. It was a clear night, free of freezing rain, so I picked up a good friend by the name of Corey. Now Corey lived in this neighborhood in my hometown known as Treasure Lake, which, semi-obviously, was marked by a large lake in the center of it. We were sitting on the beach eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, when out of the blue he chucks a jelly slathered slice of bread in my direction. Myself, not wanting to be upstaged, generously smashed a peanut butter coated slice into his red hair. With approximately four sandwiches left over, we had an all out PBJ war. At the end of it all, covered in condiments and realizing I didn’t want to get my car sticky, I did what any logical seventeen year old would do. I jumped into the freezing lake fully clothed including shoes. Corey followed, and soon our teeth were chattering and our lips blue. Lake jumping later turned into a most common experience for the both of it, as we continued our nippy dips that fall until the water froze.

  2. Carlos,

    We all know that I was the first person to correctly answer last weeks
    question. I have never done anything spontaneous, which renders this
    whole email pointless.


  3. let me think, the most outrageous or spontaneous thing i have ever done. well, there was this one time when some of my friends and i were sitting around bored. we decided that we weren’t going to sit around all spring break, so we called up our friend who was living about 2000 miles away at the time, and told him to meet us in two days at a location that was 1800 miles away from him and about 900 away from us. needles to say, we rebuilt the whole interior of a monte carlo, convinced three sets of parents, packed and drove away all within a few hours. actually pix, i think you heard that story already. there was also that time we stole three cars and drove to mexico to a chop shop and had our own monster garage episode. i think the first think was better though.

  4. >This Week’s Question: What’s the most outrageous/spontaneous thing
    >that you’ve ever done?

    I once Randomly left school at 3am on a sunday night, took a whole week off school, and drove to Texas. Spent barely a total of 36 hours there and turned around to come back. On my way back, I randomly got off at an exit and took a detour to New Orleans,LA rather than driving back to the Pittsburgh,PA area. A few weeks later, I decided to make a trip to New York City, by myself leaving at midnight and coming back the next day. Im still waiting to see what I do next. I would try to plan better but then it wouldnt be so spontaneous.

  5. Well, Pixel, I am glad that you asked. I was beginning to think no one would. I live the most exciting and spontaneous life ever! Like just the other day I brushed my teeth in the car, with a battery-powered Spongebob toothbrush. To top it off I spit out the door while the car was still in motion; it was so exhilirating!

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