How to avoid getting a ticket

As I was driving to my friend’s house today, I stopped at a stop sign (paused is more like it), and sped away. Moments later, a police car pulled out and pulled me over for stopping too far into the lane.

Now, I’m sure there are multiple ways to get out of speeding tickets,

  • Knowing the cop (It works, trust me).
  • Being a volunteer firefighter and having a sticker on the back of your car to show it.
  • Having diplomatic immunity (I have a friend like that… Grr…)
  • Paying him off with money or sexual favors.

but to this list let me add another:

  • Gross incompetence.

I do it a lot, actually. I call it the Pixatic Method, which aims: “To make whomever you’re talking to as annoyed as you are entertained. This way, they learn for themselves how silly it is to talk to you and it’s entertaining to you and to anyone else near you.”

It’s simple, really, all you have to do is, as politely as possible, make his day a living hell.
When he asks you for your driver’s license, ask for him to shine his flashlight in your pocket,
when he asks for your insurance, ask what it looks like (here’s a hint: keep your glovebox stuffed with random papers. Include unopened mail from the government and insurance statements from 2002),
when he asks if you’ve been drinking, ask why he thinks that (“do I look that drunk? Really? Why? Is it my hair?”),
when he asks you to step out of the car, ask him to step backwards, and when you go downtown, ask to stop by a McDonald’s.

What I did was ask if we could go back and do a play-by-play, ask him what the citation meant, and spend the vast majority of the time looking through pages torn out of The Great Gatsby that I use to stuff my glovebox.

Yeah, I’m a jerk.

But I’m a jerk with a clean driving record.

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