Tao of Gabe: On Finals Dreaming…

Gabe the Gorgeous Beaver is finally done with his final exams. And now all I have to do is wait for the results that will tell me whether my beaver papillomavirus (BPV) is still malignant.

Failed pick-up lines: “Quick! Let’s do it while it’s in recession.” You , too, have probably dealt with finals (and possibly BPV). Actually, you probably just finished some of your own. (The finals, not the BPV.) Boy, aren’t you glad that you studied all semester and read your assigned texts regularly? Those silly short-sighted students that leave everything to the last minute. Boy, I don’t envy them for a second!

The life of the uni student is great. The only things that get in the way are classes and those pesky grades. But now that you’re done, all you have left to do is relaaaaax & until the grades come in and you realize how poorly you fared.

Failed pick-up lines: I’ve been tested for VD and the results were ‘inconclusive,’ baby.”

For the next few weeks, your life will be perfectly grand. Unless, of course, you’re moving out, moving in, getting a job, losing a job, graduating, celebrating a holiday with family, avoiding festivities alone, going through personal issues, dealing with other people’s personal issues or are a victim of one of the illnesses that is going around (the common cold, the flu, herpes … ).

To wind down after a semester of grueling study and prepare yourself for a long winter (it’s happy to see us), I’d recommend a night out playing strip/drinking Risk!” with your friends. I hear you can do it online now, too. Only instead of “strip,” it’s “rented porno, and instead of “drinking, it’s “crying into your pillow.” Also, you have no friends. — And nobody likes you. —
And you probably failed all your classes.

Or you could console yourself with the fact that someone somewhere had it worse than you this year. It’s true. Behind every stressed undergrad, there’s a graduate student who is researching how to tie a noose.

Every finals week, I have a dream in which I show up to my final exams only to realize that there was a class I never showed up for throughout the semester, and I need to make up for it by doing phenomenal on this exam. You might recall that dream by another name: freshman year.

Luckily, you are momentarily done with all that. Now you must concentrate on surviving Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas and the Solstice without killing someone for their parking spot.
A semester of uni should have given you adequate preparation for this. Sadly, as civilized creatures, stress never leaves us. Stay up all night thinking about that one, if you will. If only there were some sort of formula for liquid relaxation the way there is for luck (Felix Felicis).

Then again, I guess there is. Only we call it alcohol.

Happy holidays, children.

Finally: Love,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: Everyone fights themselves sometimes. It’s just that when I do it, I win.”

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