Tao of Gabe (Round Up): On Halloween

Tao of Gabe

I’m Gabe the Adorable Beaver and you’re not.

My second favorite holiday—after Talk Like a Pirate Day— is upon us again. This Monday, you’ll be too old to go trick or treating, but you get one better: you get to give out candy. I’m Gabe “Rubs Salt in Your Wound” Beaver, here to entertain.

Now, it’s a little known fact, but just like children choose their costumes to look impressive, grown-ups choose which type of candy-givers they’re going to be to look impressing. There are multiple types of people you could pretend to be this Halloween.

You could be the high school girl on the phone. This type of person just had her plans ruined and is going to take it out on the kids by tossing candy as quickly as she can into their bags and getting back to the phone.

You could be the dad with the bad jokes. Pick a tired joke about the phrase “trick or treat” and use it on each new group of kids until somebody laughs or cries. For added effect, you could comment on each and every costume. Be sure to make the kids feel as if they’re your first visitors in years and figure out why.

You could go the granddad route and try to scare kids. The trick is to sit in a chair outside and wait until they come up to the house before you jump out. This only works because most children are trained from an early age to ignore the elderly. Heck, to this day I need circumstantial evidence to determine where my grandmother is when I go visit her.

Speaking of which, you could be the elderly grandmother. Even though children are trained to ignore the elderly, they’re innately adept at spotting candy, so you could grab their attention by carrying a large bowl out with you. Kids will see it as a hovering bowl of goodies and be impressed by the effect. The elderly grandmother is passive-aggressive, so each year she thinks of new ways to make children dread coming to her house. She could give out dimes, cokes, or the ‘crappy candy goodie bags’ that have those orange and black candies that NOBODY LIKES!!!

Then, there’s the hypothetical ideal house. The ideal house gives out entire candy bars
and is usually ran by a ‘cool mom’ or a ‘rad dad.’ The ideal house also has unicorns, a chocolate waterfall, the Fountain of Youth, and the better part of El Dorado. Everyone hears about this house, but few if any ever actually see it.

Alternatively, you could be the empty house in the hopes that nobody realizes you’re home. I’d advise against this as there’s bound to be at least one person who carries eggs with him whilst trick or treating.

This year it’s me.

Love, the spooky kind,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: I’m a member of the Canadian Mafia. I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse, eh?”

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