Communication SUCKS… metaphorically

Ahh there’s nothing quite like a new mobile (or ‘cell’ for you people from that land filled with people who assume that the ‘u’ in ‘colour’ is superfluous). The smell. The feel in the hand. The way it seems to just beg to break itself suddenly and spectacularly the instant it’s out of warranty. Or is that last one just observation?

Today I was stupid enough to try to purchase a second hand phone, for use in that magical thing known as ‘everyday’ conversation. Meaning if it rings I can answer it. Amazing concepts, I know, but hey, this is a fast paced, amazing world we live in that may or may not kill you by the time you’re 30. I’m almost 22 now, so I only have eight years worth living in front of me really, so as soon as this post is finished, I’ll do something earth shattering. Like have a nap. Yes, a nap.

So there I was holding my second hand mobile phone, in one or other of my hands. I was lucky enough to be stuck behind a woman on crutches, so my impatience was gratified by a tinge of guilt. A good start, I’m sure you’d agree. Especially considering the study load I’ve given myself has meant that I’m in a constant state of what I call ‘ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit’.

Rep: Hey mate.

Me: Hey. Yeah, I’m just trying to get my phone unlock-

Rep: C’mere.

Now note that as soon as I pointed out no money would be changing hands, the mood seemed to drop from a cordial ‘ooh customer!’ to a ‘eww customer‘ in the time it took me to utter a sentence? Ah well, I thought, foolishly like so many optimists before me, this shouldn’t take long.

GOD I’m a fucking idiot.

Rep: Here’s the phone, you need to talk to customer service.

Me: Oh okay, does it matter if I’m not the original owner of this phone?

Rep: Who knows? *wanders off*

So I’m sitting there with a phone in my hand in the land called ‘hold’. This land is best typified by its climate of ‘fucking boring’, with intermittent showers of Kenny G. No, seriously, why is Kenny G on every ‘hold’ soundtrack I’ve ever heard since I was FOURTEEN?! Is it because he loves torturing us so with his jazz sax and his lilting melodies? Or maybe he’s just a cunt. You do the math.

Me: *waiting sounds*

Phone: Hello-

Me: Hi!

Phone: -your call is important to us, please hold.

Me: …Fuck YOU.

So I waited a while longer.

And longer.

And longer.

Phone: Hello, welcome to Optus, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, hi, I’m trying to unlock my Optus phone I’ve had a while.

Phone: Do you have your phone number there?

Me: Well, no, the SIM card for this phone is long lost.

Phone: We need you to have the original sim card.

Me: ….Why?

Phone: We need you to have the original sim card.

Me: Yes, I heard you the first time, maybe you didn’t hear me. Why?

Phone: We need you-

Me: Okay, what do I do if I don’t have that?

Phone: There’s nothing I can do without that.

Me: But this phone is simply locked to the Optus network. Why do I need the sim card that came with the phone, considering it’s like two years old now?

Phone: We can’t unlock it without the original sim card.

Me: Yes, I heard you before, I’m asking why that is.

Phone: Sir, I have explained it to you.

Me: No, you said the same thing several different ways without giving me a reason.

Phone: *click*

Note that I was totally reasonable, albeit a tad abrasive, during the phone call. Also notice that SHE WAS A FUCKING MORON WHO HUNG UP ON ME BECAUSE I ACTUALLY HAVE THE FACULTIES FOR COGNITIVE THOUGHT.

Rep: How’d that go?

Me: Um… not so well.

Rep: I’ll call them again.

Repeat the process of waiting on hold.

Me: Hello?

Phone (new person): Hi, what can I help you with today?

Me: I just need my old Optus phone to be unlocked.

Phone: Uh-huh, are you the original bill payer?

Me: Well, no, it’s a pre-paid phone.

Phone: We need the original bill payer to talk to us, sir.

Me: Um… this phone is over two years old as far as I can gather. It’s well past the six month locking stage. The original bill payer, as far as I know, is at work at this present moment, and I have already bought this off him.

Phone: We need the original bill payer.

Me: But why is what I’m asking. And I may add, as the phone is pre-paid, there were no bills to be paid.

Phone: I can’t help you sir.

Me: So I notice.

Phone: *click*

So I stand up, pack my bag, and walk out.

And go and buy a new phone for 100 dollars. Food money. Textbook money. Hell, even entertainment (I have to party sometimes you know).

Sorry for the lack of funny. But grrrrr.



  1. I hate to say it, mate, but welcome to the world of customer service! The land where people actively try to avoid helping while pretending to actually help you.

    It sux, but what can you do?

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