Would you like to buy some Gobi Juice?

My friend Jack is caught up in a pyramid scheme.  He’s turned into a snake-oil peddler.

He called me today and asked me to go to his “Goji juice” meeting (I’ll call it “Gobi juice” from now on because it’s more humorous).ÂApparently, Jack has to bring in a new person every week in order to not be frowned on by all of the other brainwashed psychopaths.

Perhaps I’m being too hard on him.ÂPerhaps this $44 bottle of sweet-tasting red juice does cure cancer and add years to your life.  Perhaps Jack has finally caught on to something true.

Perhaps I have monkeys flying out of my ass.
I don’t need to do research to do some deductive analysis of the situation.

First, the evidence:

  • Jack is a lazy, stupid, stupid man.
  • Jack is very, very excited.
  • The idea of a real job is so alien to Jack that he will work twice as hard to avoid it.
  • Gobi juice promises implausible things through an untrustworthy source (Jack).
  • Jack is still a stupid, stupid man.
  • The ‘newspaper,’ Doctor’s Report, that Jack is peddling is full color (expensive, trust me), Volume 1, Issue 1, is filled with nothing but testimonials, has no advertisements, oh, and Every Friggin’ Article has “Gobi Juice” in the Headline!
  • Quoth the Jack, “The guy two levels above me is making $3,000 a month!”
  • Jack has tried to sell this to every single friend we have.
  • Apparently, if I “get in on this” with him, we’ll make a buncha, buncha dollars.
  • Damn it, Jack, when did you become so stupid?

Does it not make sense that if someone truly found something this good, that they’d be able to convince people who weren’t previously stupid, stupid men?

Does it not also follow that aggressive selling techniques are signs of a lack of a good product?  Sure, it could just be personality, but I’m sticking with “frantically refusing to accept the reality that he’s been swindled.”

When something fits four of the seven criteria of being a pyramid scheme, it’s more than likely a pyramid scheme.  Sorry bud, but I’d tattle to the Federal Trades Commission rather than sit through a meeting of some Himalayan plant extracts.


  1. Someone once tried to con my mother into joining a pyramid scheme. He asked her where she wanted to be in ten years. She told him. He said “you didn’t say rich, doesn’t being rich matter?” She said “Not really, no.” He said “I don’t think I can help you…”

    Good luck trying to get him out of it though. One day he’ll wake up to being swindled. Or maybe he’ll just get lazy again and decide to stop going

  2. Or, you could just eat Loganberries or Carob to live forever. As Mark Twain said almost a century ago, “Theres a fellow up the street that thinks the best way to kill flies is with a shovel. He’ll be along presently.”

  3. If your definition of monkeys includes e-coli, then what’s the big deal about having monkeys flying out of your ass? Bring me the broom of the Wicked Witch. Ok, I’ll settle for the comb of the George Bush.

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