I’m going to participate in Ramadan this year and I can’t tell you why. It’s not because my reason is some secret, it’s because I couldn’t explain it to you if I tried. I’m not muslim, nor do I know anyone who is. I don’t like to starve myself (“bulimia is my anti-drug”), and I don’t care much about feeling closer to Allah. I suppose I could move past my earthly desires, but have no earthly desire to do so. Also, I don’t look like this:


So why am I going to celebrate Ramadan? I suppose I’m going to do it because it sounds cool.

For one whole month (to be decided according to the ancient Muslim tradition of whenever the new moon rises :)), I’m not going to eat at all during the day. I also have to be ‘pure in body’ however you’re supposed to take that. I’m going to take it in a way that will make my reproductive organs slightly more for decoration than they are now.

I’m supposed to pray to Allah regularly, but he’ll forgive me if I don’t, I think. Also, I have to be charitable and self-accountable. That shouldn’t be a problem, I think. More than anything, I’m looking forward to the huge feast I’ll be able to have after the month ends. I’m thinking we’re going to have tofurkey. I’m raising it now.

Things to do during Ramadan:

  • Be Joyous
  • Be happy for other people
  • Be Generous
  • Be Chaste
  • Practice nice,
  • Be Trustworthy
  • Be Honest

To this, since I’m not Muslim, I’ll add some of Ben Franklin’s 13 Virtues:

  1. TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
  2. SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
  3. ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
  4. RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
  5. FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
  6. INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
  7. SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
  8. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
  9. MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
  10. CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
  11. TRANQUILITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
  12. CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
  13. HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Wow. I’m dumb. It took me ten minutes to figure out what ‘venery’ was. But yeah: don’t use it to dullness, weakness or injury. That is bad.

And I’d imitate Jesus and Socrates, but there’s no market nearby to go around harassing politicians and religious leaders.

Anyway, if anyone cares to join me, it promises to be a starving good time.

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