Prince of Darkness

The game’s on you!

It makes me sad that the Daily Show and the Colbert Report are on hiatus until the end of the writer’s strike. I mean, I like writers and I understand their anger against the studios, but damn… why punish Pixel? Why?? WHY???

Anyway, to entertain myself I started going back through the archives of the funniest guy I know next to myself: me.1 And lo and behold I found something worthwhile!

Basically, I found my old “Pixelated Gaming” section. The premise of this category started with this post, although the first Pixelated Game was way back with my first reader: Eggo. Basically, I found out he was on my site one day because he was commenting on a post and decided to keep changing the layout while he surfed so that he would think he was going crazy. The fun part was that it worked!

So I started keeping track of all of my non-sociable tendencies and games. The fact that I don’t repeat most of these games after the initial conception is irrelevant. It’s just fun to look at all these games and think of times when I did mess around with people… for instance:

I’ve created a bunch of games over my lifetime. Here, in all their glory, are all the ones I could find in the archives:

Person, Person, Walking Advertisement:”
The goal is to find the most people in a row without running into somebody that is wearing clothes or carrying objects that have a name brand or logo prominently displayed.So you go by walking on campus and you say “person” over and over again until you run into someone wearing a giant Addidas shirt (for instance), then you start over again.

You’re never going to guess who, trust me:”
Come up behind a total stranger (extra points if they’re talking in a group) and cover their eyes. They will try to guess who you are. After a minute, uncover their eyes and when they ask “do I know you?”Say, “of course not, what would be the fun of the game if you did?”

Nerd Heckling:”
While listening to a serious speech you disagree with, shout out random (or stastically inconsequential) comments like,

“Your mom and I did the 1000101!” or “The question to life, the universe, and everything is how many times over does your speech suck!” or “you roll 3d20 and get snake eyes, oooh, pwned!”

Extreme Analogies:”
Every time somebody says a qualifier, respond with the formula of “yeah, but not as [qualifier] as [random, absurdly complicated extreme].”
For instance:

“That was uncomfortable.”
“Not as uncomfortable as a 400 pound man doing the tango naked with a Mother Superior in front of sixteen primary school children!”

Random Hurtful Hypotheticals:”
An idea for a new game came to me while posing an obscenely hurtful thought experiment to my mate over the question of trust. The game is thus:

2: Imagine you realized one day that you were terrible in bed and had been for years and that every encounter you had had left the woman feeling worse than before, but nobody said anything to not hurt your feelings. Then you found out that they’d told every one of your friends this behind your back and they’d filmed an encounter and giftwrapped it and were planning on giving it to your mother for Christmas as a prank. How would you feel?
1: Pretty damn awful. Why?
2: No reason, I just thought I’d ask.
1: Oh.

Sayonara Small Talk:”
When speaking with someone you barely know, ask coarse, random, insightful, or personal questions as if you’d known them for years. The goal is to eliminate all ‘small talk’ from the face of the planet.

1: So, how was your weekend?
2: Good. And what’s your greatest fear? Also, do you believe in the gods? And how big is your penis?

You know what you should do?
The game is to give advice that will, if followed, produce the most awkward and objectively hilarious situation possible. The goal is to keep a straight face while giving it and give it interchangeably with regular, good advice.

Auf wiedensehen small talk“Instead of avoiding small talk, you continue it– in staccato. Here’s an example. Remember, the aim of the game is to keep the person as uncomfortable as possible for as long as possible without them realizing that you are enjoying their discomfort:

Andy: So how are you today?
Pixel: I’m good. Just here, working.. You know.
Andy: Yeah. Work sucks.
Pixel: Yeah, sometimes..
Andy: Well…
Pixel: Sometimes it’s not bad though.
Andy: I know what you mean. Everything has its good parts.
Pixel: Oh, yeah. I completely agree.
Andy: ….
Pixel: Totally.
Andy: Well, I gotta–
Pixel: Like, whenever I don’t have to do what the boss-man says, I’m happy.
Andy: Yeah…
Pixel: :)
Andy: Anyway, I have work to do.
Pixel: Yeah, me too.
Andy: Well–
Pixel: Work sucks.
Andy: Yeah, sometimes..

You let the conversation wane into a stand-still, then, just as they try to get out of it— You zoom back into the conversation and suck them in with you!

Today, I am thankful for… games.

Lappy Update: Buyer’s remorse. I was offered this lappy for $200 less and 40 GB more… PLUS it comes with Adobe Creative Suite 3, Apple Aperture, MAYA 8, Capture One Pro 3.7, Encyclopedia Britannica 2007 Ultimate Reference Suite, Microsoft Office 2004, Corel Painter X, Final Cut Studio 2.0 (Apple Qmast, Qadministrator, Cinema tools, Compressor, Dvd studio pro, Soundtrack pro, Motion, Color and Live Type), Stuffit Deluxe 12, Extensis Suitcase Fusion 12, Roxio Toast 8.1, Roxio popcorn 3.0, Studio Artist 3.5, Quarkxpress 7.2, Finale 2007, Discus 4, Logic Studio 8, Reason 4.1.7, and Visual Hub… Anybody want it?
  1. I’m going to close all my archives for the next six months, so enjoy them while they last. []


  1. The writers are on strike, so you have to go and do a retrospective post? For shame.

    Slash I play Extreme Analogies and Random Hurtful Hypotheticals on a regular basis. Top shelf.

  2. And Seth edges past Moof by 76 comments to 73!

    P.S. How’ve you been? You haven’t commented in almost three months. If it weren’t for the regular Newton bounces I get, I’d have thought you stopped coming by.

  3. I’m absurdly busy, in the sense that a sophomore in high school can be absurdly busy. I’m in a show, directing a show, spent my summer involved in a show/taking chemistry, and I’ve got homework on top of all that. I’ve lost the will to blog regularly.

    There were, actually, a few instances in which I wrote a comment, but then it wouldn’t go through, and I was too lazy to resubmit.

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