Conservapedia is to truth as motor oil is to baby formula.

#repressedmemories – first week of college when I woke up to my roommate having sex. If this happened now, I’d do the same back… but solo.

Values clarification expert Sid Simon suggests people make a list of 50 reasons not to kill themselves. 50 is a lot. I think he’s a sadist.

I’m glad they didn’t have Black Cat fireworks back in the days of trench warfare. And if they did, I’m glad I wasn’t born back then.

It’s so funny when I talk to white people. They have so much white guilt. “Hi, my name is Carlos.” “Yeah, but what do _I_ call you?”

Running is supposed to help cure depression. But that can’t be right- just thinking about running makes me sad.

When the Cannucks play, they bring their “eh” game.

She said she studied literature, but from my perspective she could have just said necromancy.

#repressedmemories – that time in 2005 when that girl led me to her house, room, and bed only to retract in horror when I tried to kiss her.

I need to get out of my head before I go out of my mind.

It’s never too late to drunk text!

I don’t know what the surface tension of alcohol is– but tonight I’m going to find out.

If a girl gave me her phone number in Roman numerals, I would definitely call it…. or try to, at least.

I only ever cut myself shaving just before a first date. Oh, great. Now I have to hope it only goes to second base.

#repressedmemories – When my mom came to visit my brother six times, once when I lived nearby. But she’s never come to visit me by myself.

#repressedmemories – The fact that my parents only ever call to ask about my brother.

Just got an @ from someone I unfollowed saying he was unfollowing me. I refollowed him so that I could unfollow him again.

I was a hipster before it was popular. I’m only still a hipster now to be ironic.