Dammit, man– I don’t have time to play WoW with you! I’m working on my Ph.D! That’s the highest level of education you can attain on purpose

I want to write a prequel to a movie where the main character inexplicably dies. It’ll be awesome because no one will see it coming!

Early Edition is about a guy who gets tomorrow’s newspaper today. If that happened to me, I’d be surprised… That newspapers still exist.

I don’t go grocery shopping hungry. At least I don’t start out that way.

If I ever die by myself, I’ll scratch the word ‘ninjas’ on my stomach as a suicide note.

I wonder why they don’t make ramen with light truffle oil.

Anger management is only recommended as a strategy for assertive supervisors and timid employees.

I pissed off the anger management instructor.

Twitter is now e-mailing us when someone you follow favorites one of your tweets. Actually, this may be months old. It’s just never come up.

I didn’t win, but I came in a close second. Specifically I was close to third place. #yomama

I didn’t fall asleep on the mat- this is just a really intense yoga pose.

“Do you think about other people when you’re with me?” “No, but I think about you when I’m with them… Specifically that you’ll catch us.”

Yet! Happy birthday to me!

I just got really into the soft drink Tab. I just keep ordering refills of it at the local bar. But I pay upfront because I hate puns.

Girls walk by giggling. To shock me, they ask if I have a condom. I say, “I do, but it’s my last one, so we’re going to have to share.”

I have a condom protector. It’s like a pocket protector: they both make it far less likely that you’ll get laid.

My sugar momma makes the best cookies.