I started calling my friends Charlie, Mike, and Oscar by the NATO phonetic alphabet version of their first initial. They have yet to notice.

A bird in the hand is worth two dollars in the flea market. #Firstdraftquotes #firstdraftaphorisms or #firstdraftcliches

I’m giving up on researching esoteric bands to build my Indy cred. I’m just going to start making them up.

Someone help me put up these 10,000 Earth Day posters.

It is inappropriate to talk to someone that is entering a restroom. Even if it’s your long-lost twin who is about to be shot: it can wait!

If you had the last newspaper that will ever be published by humanity, would you read it cover-to-cover or just do the crossword?

Just wrote in my class notes: “Do time travel, if time allows.”

Quantum Man has the powers of Super Position: He’s everywhere until someone somewhere happens to look at something.

I always go the extra mile. That’s why I’m a terrible navigator.

I would jump in front of a bus to save a future version of myself.

My brother did a tour of Afghanistan in 2002… It was a TERRIBLE choice for a vacation.

If the crime is plagiarism, then yes: I fight crime for a living.

You said his name was Pavlov? Hm. No, I don’t think I know him. It doesn’t ring a bell.

Anyone who has ever been my roommate knows I only have one rule: buy 2-ply or higher.

Well, we weren’t going to get those prospectives anyway. Might as well have made a drinking game out of them.

I’m as bad at similes as I am at… Other things sometimes.

If I die tonight, tell your mother I loved her.

Nick’s not so bad. He serves as an excellent warning for why pregnant women shouldn’t drink heavily of bleach.