Pro tip: Never come out of the closet in a knock knock joke.

I just caught a glimpse at the short list for new admits to our program. Unfortunately, none of them seemed like mob aliases.

I figured out Mozilla’s naming strategy: combine an animal with the natural phenomenon it would most fear. Firefox, Thunderbird, Seamonkey..

I’m not an actor, but I play one on tv.

From now on, I’m going to claim I’m a professional fandango musician. Then, if given an instrument, I’ll just make stuff up.

Bite my friend’s dreadlocks #UrgesIMustRepress

My preferred method of execution: firing squad. Because the executor doesn’t know if he is responsible. My variant: bow & arrow.

#philosophy Holy cow! My BFF got fly-outs from all of her interviews!!

I’m a Kantian with OCD, so I have to follow his categorical imperatives in order. … I guess you could call me a Kant Sequentialist.

My alarm clock is Rage Against The Machine’s “Wake Up.” My snooze button is Aerosmith’s “Dream On.”

I want to start a book club podcast where it’s obvious that only one of the people in the panel actually read the book.

Someone should create the twitter name @MarkyMarkTwain. I’d follow it!

I found out my jacket zipper is on the left side. This is not usual for men’s jackets… I’m like the most boring cross-dresser ever.

Wait– Viagra is NOT meant to be used as a suppository??

Guys, do yourselves a favor and watch this:

NYC!