Sorry I’m late. I hit every stop light and most stop signs.

Certified Kosher would be a bad name for a pork product.

You don’t see many homeless people wearing aeropostale… At least not when they have a choice.

Why does Aeropostale sell clothes that have more of the store’s name than the employee uniforms do?

Why do clothing stores at the mall only have sections for women and metrosexuals?

Next week I’m teaching my class about induction. Specifically, I’m not going to show up.

I only play the song “Gloomy Sunday” on Sundays. And “Blue Monday” on Mondays. But I’ll only play “Friday” if I’m having a stroke.

Protest signs are really just bad speech bubbles.

Shorts season was short.

I just bought a 24 Pack of Busch Lite for $9.99. That’s cheaper than soda. Probably less alcohol, too.

A student just turned in her paper. It’s called: “Problem of the Evil paper.” I should just give her an A right now.

In Winter, I order coffee. In summertime, I order iced coffee. When it is Autumn, I order room temperature coffee… It tastes like spit.

Why did so many historical figures publish major works posthumously? I want to publish something posthumously! … No rush, though.

I bet there are commitmentphobic gay guys who secretly vote against gay marriage.

Does everyone else also break into a cold sweat when they see their adviser or is it just me?

*sigh* … do you guys ever miss nostalgia?

I always choose the wrong similes. Today I said, “Cuts through me like a Chilean miner.”

Little-known philosophy fact: Anselm proved the existence of Muhammad Ali.