“You’re pretty good at taking compliments.” “No I’m not!”

I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…… but I’m pretty heavily implying it.

Here’s a fun fact/prank: If you are away from your car and click the unlock button on your keychain fob 257 times, it will no longer work!

New plan for life: find a rockstar academic lady, marry her, have her get a great job, get hired as a bargaining chip.

The watched for burrito guy never arrives.. Actually, he might not arrive anyway.

I’m going to give my class the choice of whether to cover free will or not.. Well, not really. 🙂

Question for the twitterverse- what would you do with infinite time? Assume this manifests itself in an awesome way.

I want to end an article with ‘or it is not the case that some or all of the previous sentences are true.’ That way I would never be wrong.

Sophie’s choice would have been much easier if it had been an inclusive OR.

I hate it when girls unnecessarily bring up their boyfriends. Next time that happens, I’m going to bring up my crippling loneliness. :'(

Having a roommate again is weird. I haven’t closed the bathroom door in ages! Not since the week before my last one got fed up and left.

At RDU, you can use their website for free… Provided you don’t want to check a flight status or do anything even slightly useful.

Tweeting on below average IQ phones takes some practice.

Here’s a funny joke: ask ‘how do you drown a blonde?’ then pause a moment, look intense, and add: ‘no, seriously.’ ‘Drowning people isn’t funny.’ ‘Well, no, not at first…’

Soon, neuroscience will make the hard problem into just another soft problem. But before that, it will be a problem of moderate density.

If everything that has a beginning has an end, that means that the Neverending Story never had a beginning.

I got my new license in the mail. I’m a legal driver now! Time to go five miles per hour over the limit.

You know those times when you’re alone and you’re thankful nobody can see what a weirdo you are? That’s 90 percent of my life.