Sometimes I like getting SPAM from former friends because it means that they haven’t deleted me from their address book.
Sometimes I like getting SPAM from former friends because it means that they haven’t deleted me from their address book.
I got a couple of hundred $’s of veggies and booze, but I lost a best friend.
I got a couple of hundred $’s of veggies and booze, but I lost a best friend…It’s not a very good deal. I don’t recommend you take it. :'(
Cashier probably thinks that I’m only buying toilet paper because I ran out at an unfortunate time.
Cashier probably thinks that I’m only buying toilet paper because I ran out at an unfortunate time. She’s wrong- I meant to buy it earlier.
What is a high school sweetheart? Does anyone you dated in high school count? Like can you be high school sweethearts with the principal?
What is a high school sweetheart? Does anyone you dated in high school count? Like can you be high school sweethearts with the principal?
Dear Middle School girls- the comeback to any sort of insult is “are you okay? You look bloaty.
Dear Middle School girls- the comeback to any sort of insult is “are you okay? You look bloaty.”
Reverse Irish Carbomb: a shot of Guinness poured into a half-pint of Bailey’s.
Reverse Irish Carbomb: a shot of Guinness poured into a half-pint of Bailey’s. If you think that’s bad, try a reverse jaegerbomb.
I just got called out to a bar by a strange text message.
I just got called out to a bar by a strange text message. I came out because it was so demanding. I hope it’s not a wrong number.
Just once I want to see LOL on a tombstone.
Just once I want to see LOL on a tombstone.
Pro Tip: never try to organize all of your friends for anything.
Pro Tip: never try to organize all of your friends for anything.
Chipmunks – precursors to autotune.
Chipmunks – precursors to autotune.
The lady cutting my hair smells like weed.
The lady cutting my hair smells like weed. I don’t know if I should be reassured or scared.
They say you don’t pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave afterward.
They say you don’t pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave afterward. … but you should probably still tip her for the sex.
My friend is a College Instructor!
Here‘s a syllabus he made! It’s so nice and shiny. You should enroll in his class!
This guy has his daughter’s name tattooed o his neck.
This guy has his daughter’s name tattooed on his neck. I hope his next child is quintuplets. #peopleoftacobell
Today I will work into conversation the phrase “molesting a muppet.
Today I will work into conversation the phrase “molesting a muppet.” I imagine the context will be a strung-out Cookie Monster. Join me!
Sumo wrestlers are foie gras for cannibals.
Sumo wrestlers are foie gras for cannibals.
Whelp– Sleep didn’t happen tonight.
Whelp– Sleep didn’t happen tonight. We’ll try again tomorrow.
My mother just joined facebook.
My mother just joined facebook. In related news: I will soon rely exclusively on Twitter.