“But if I lived with roommates, I wouldn’t be able to do my daily morning nude jumping jacks… I’m kidding: they’re evening jumping jacks.”

I declare today #nonsequiturday I don’t mean to brag, but it’s Thursday. A bird in the hand is a worthwhile investment. I meant to get my hair cut today, but I didn’t realize what year it was in the Chinese…

I wonder if time machines spew unsafe radiation.

The cover charge is outrageous in the “27 Club.”

I just looked up ‘smurf’ in the Urban Dictionary and my head smurfsploded.

I used to be a graphic designer. Actually, I was just a lewd designer.

Don’t call me Mr. Myers. That’s my father’s name. You can call me Mr. Myers Jr.

Him: Strike! Me: That was a ball! Him: Oh, and I take it you know a thing or two about balls? Me: Yeah! …Wait: no…Wait: Just two things.

That guy is too fat for the baseball stadium’s fake sumo suits.

We’re at the ballgame. We’re sitting so close, we could hurt the players’ feelings from here.

I want to have a book burning party. My friends have a lot of audiobooks that I want to illegally add to my collection.

The plot of this book is paper-thin… Actually, the plots of most books are paper thin. Except maybe ebooks.

I’ve been waiting at home all day for the UPS guy to deliver me a new, hi-tech way to floss. … I am old. “Sorry I’m late for dinner, I just got new floss and I wanted to try it…

I’m so funny that laughter is not even an appropriate response.

The Sonicare electric toothbrush description on Amazon says: “Sonicare white power toothbrush” I feel like I’m not the target market or race

I’m back from Utah now so I’m done with Mormon jokes. I’m sad because I loved those jokes. I loved them so much I married them. All of them.

I can’t take news teases seriously: “An important thing happened. More at 11.” If it’s really important, why air Head-On commercials first?

“The secret to success in academia is choosing your ignorance.” –Elihu Gerson