Dear airports of the world. Free wifi has stopped being an optional feature. Get with the program.

I just met people that love hugs as much as I do: gay guys from Salt Lake City. It makes me worry that I might secretly be from Utah.

They say that when hiking, an ounce in the morning is a pound in the evening. This is why I always wait until the evening to start packing.

There are dozens of kids sitting outside reading the bible for some reason. I wish just one was reading Harry Potter in a bible dust jacket.

Every morning at the Univ. of Utah, dozens of kids sit outside reading the bible. I don’t know why they don’t just listen to the audiobook.

We all voted over what we would call our session. “Directions for Philosophy of Biology” won out. “Jake the Session” was a distant second.

My hotel room has a terrible view of the outside. My only consolation is that- before I shower- the outside has a terrible view of me.

There were more babies on this flight than in a maternity ward.

Peace treaty – Men will stop having opinions about abortion if women stop having opinions about circumcision. Deal?

I donated money to a library today. I had the option of donating in honor of someone, so I did. LeVar Burton— this one’s for you.

First Law of Robotics: “A Robot may not injure a human OR, through inaction, allow a human to come to harm.” … Is that an Inclusive Or?

My brother is an anachronism. He was born six weeks premature.

Anachronism is someone that’s born in the wrong time, but what are you called when you’re born in the wrong place?

It’s a little known fact that it was raining during the original Fourth of July. Not in Philadelphia, of course, but certainly somewhere.

Whelp, it’s raining. No fireworks today. I think that means 4th of July is canceled. How’s the 5th for everyone?

I get more work done if I’m slightly uncomfortable. That’s why I always wear awkward underwear then sit next to cute girls in coffee shops.

I have some facebook friends where the most salient memory I have of them is when I reluctantly confirmed them as friends.