Purple-petaled Flowers Near Black Book

“Always have an exit strategy”

My friend always quotes that dumb line from one of the worst James Bond films: “always have an exit strategy.”

I always thought that eventually, at some point in my life I would hit a depressive episode so huge that I might not make it out of it alive. My grandmother hanged herself when my mom was a child and most of my extended family has some form of dysthymia, so it’s never been out of the question.

I thought my last break up in late 2019 would do that to me, but somehow I muddled through. I even started seeing a therapist, meditating, and trying psychedelics. ¯\_(?)_/¯ I guess they’ve helped. I’m working on not blaming myself anymore for all of the pain I’ve caused. I mostly just keep waking up and moving forward.

But my therapist said a thing that sort of ripped away my safety net. She pointed out what it would be like for my mother to have her mother kill herself and have a son do that as well. I suppose I’d considered the effects my death might have on those left behind, but I’d never considered that particular angle and it made the entire idea of suicide entirely untenable.

… so I guess what I’m saying is that I’m safe for now…

It doesn’t matter how bad life gets or my mental health gets, I’m sticking around as long as my mother does. I’m the Fredo to my Michael. 🙂

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