woman in brown sweater covering her face with her hand

The strange things you miss

It’s hourly comic day, but it’s also any other day. It’s been 14 months since my break up and I still miss so many things..

  • the way I used to draw her without a nose or eyebrows.
  • “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it,”
    “aww, you think I’m pretty!”
  • “You already have two kitties!”
    “But ZERO puppies!”
  • “Reality is where your friends are!”
  • how she felt when we cuddled at night
  • how fun she was traveling,
  • Randomly quoting Futurama
  • How much she loved random things, like celebrity lip sync, the Backstreet Boys, Gangnam Style…
  • Her cooking
  • Her baking
  • How she would impress me in so many little ways nearly every day
  • Having somebody to talk to or text every day… some days, I just feel so adrift..

I thought about trying to date again, but I just worried that if I ever cared for anybody it would hurt more when they found out how terrible I am. It’s probably for the best: there’s a pandemic going on and I shouldn’t do anything that could make it worse for health care workers.

I think about how I vindicated all of her fears *every* day and… honestly, sometimes it just feels like too much.

My friend is going through a breakup now. She was hating on her ex-boyfriend for leaving her like this. I couldn’t help but say,

“I’ve been where you are. I’ve had my heart ripped from me by somebody I loved. I have collapsed on the floor, crying because somebody didn’t love me enough… and I’ve done that to somebody I loved. And I tell you, knowing how horrible it was to have my heart ripped into shreds… knowing how awful it feels to feel abandoned… I would take that feeling one THOUSAND times in a row rather than have the feeling of causing it in someone else.

“When you break somebody’s heart, you can’t be there for them. You have just made the world worse for somebody you love more than life itself and you can’t do anything about it. You can’t blame anybody else and you can’t even kill yourself without making it worse for everybody else.”

Anyway, I’ve talked to my therapist about it quite a bit. She thinks I’m thinking of relationships in too much of a dichotomy. A relationship should be one in which both people grow together, she says..

I guess I’m just scared. And sad. I want her to be happy more than I want anything in the world. I’m just… scared and sad to think I may have made that less likely.

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