Creationists think Adam was the first person. But he couldn’t have been. _I_ am in the first person. Adam is third.

What is a good song that uses words like ‘everything,’ ‘someone,’ ‘no one,’ etc.? I’m making a logic test and don’t want to use LMFAO again.

SafeTub is a walk-in tub marketed to elderly people. It offers a lifetime warranty, but it only lasts about six years.

The secret to success is to be happy with less. #rhymingaphorisms #scaryfortunecookie

I think of her like a sister. But not a bad sister like Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act.

I like girls who are questioning, not ones that found an answer.

@meznor – aww, hearts. You are my first and oldest freader. Xoxo

I have the bladder control of a Norwegian.

Blue Laffy Taffy? It’s like you’re not even TRYING to survive the night!

The longer you hold a torch for someone, the more likely you are to get burned.

Well, it’s an interesting article, at least. I mean, it raises an interesting pseudoquestion.

Today, I feel like I’m climbing stairs the wrong way in an M.C. Escher drawing.

“The test was originally going to be seven pages, but I played with the margins and font until I got it down to five.” —Me to my class today

Warning: Keep this bag away from children. This bag is not a toy… At least not a very good one.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “Man, I can’t believe you were there! We would have met before we actually met.” *head asplode!*

Things I now know how to tie: shoelaces, a tie, a bow tie, and a noose. To celebrate, tomorrow after tae bo I’m going to eat Thai food.

I just saw Shaggy. Oh, wait. It wasn’t him.

It turns out that the punishment for plagiarism is a slap on the wrist. Next time I’ll fail the bastard. … Then send his mother a letter.

Him: It is what it is. Me: You don’t know how true that is.

BenJarvus Green-Ellis hasn’t fumbled the football in over 600 carries. I don’t even have that good of a record with babies!

I’ve left a trail of broken hearts. But they’re all my own. …and from playing Zelda.

Dear Lady-types: I don’t know how to add subtext to my text messages. If I don’t respond for 30 minutes, assume I just fell asleep.

I think I misunderstood the concept of a Flash Mob. I need to go home and change.

Actors who would play me in the movie: Michael Cera, Elijah Wood, Jesse Eisenberg, Seth Rogen, Sean Astin, Daniel Radcliffe, or Ellen Page

Hourly Comic Day. Or: yes I would like 24 hours of stress and a sore wrist.

I think Lamb Chop’s Play Along is ripe for a reunion special. What’s Charlie Horse been up to lately?

If you ever want to kill me and make it look like an accident, just play LMFAO while I’m shaving.

Yeah, but those options are completely different! It’s like comparing a purple midget to the abstract feeling of nostalgia.

I never got Garrison Keillor, but the people who like him swear by him. “Gee Willickers,” they say. Because their swears are from the 1890s.

If there’s one thing you can say about your parents, it’s that they raised a wonderful daughter… Which is more than you can say about mine

Dear 20-33 year olds- what would you say to a guy your age that had never played Zelda?

I’ve deduced by mathematical induction that every day I am shuffling.

You’re 22? Really? Because you look like you’re pushing 30 with a feather.

Buyer Beware: the impulse aisle could set you back a year’s salary at Whole Foods.

Today I accidentally said the phrase ‘explosive diarrhea’ in class. They laughed. Does anyone have a phrase I can accidentally say tomorrow?

I shouldn’t enjoy teaching/teasing my students this much.

I sure could go for a Double Dragon reboot. Or a Double Double Dragon, if you will.

We’ve all been thinking it, but I’m just going to come out and say it: Alyssa Milano hasn’t done anything good since Double Dragon the movie

No Internet today to protest #SOPA. Man, I’ve never been so productive!

How do you make someone do something that embarrassing to themselves without the aid of religion, popularity, or fashion?

Listening to the Branford Marsalis Quartet. Best jazz music ever. I bet @Skrillex’s remix of it would make my head explode in awesomeness.

When buying a tuxedo, if the salesperson asks you why you need it, an amusing response is “you know: just for every day use.”

“…and it was an easy class for a slacker like myself to slack in…” -Overheard in a coffee house.