In defense of psychedelics
I didn’t drink regularly until I was 23 and I didn’t use marijuana until it became legal in Nevada, so when I say I tried LSD twice at age 35, it was a big deal for me. The motivation and…
Help choose my new middle name!
I have never had a middle name. And now that I’m 29, I think it’s about time to fix that. So I am going to legally change my name. Here are the best options thus far: Linneaus/Linneo1 Buckminster Maxwell/Maximiliano Ampersand/Interrobang…
How to Ensure Prison Rape
I don’t want to make any assumptions. I worry my penultimate post was very negative about prison rape. But, in the interest of fairness in media, I’ll teach you how to ensure prison rape happens to you or your loved…
How to Avoid Prison Rape
Some time ago, I remarked on a comment a now forgotten friend once said to me: They’ve already broken the social contract. You don’t know what else they’re capable of, so you should just obey what they say and hope…
How Guys Can Avoid Getting Mugged
A friend of mine recently told me that the best thing to do when someone tries to rob you is whatever they want. They’ve already broken the social contract. You don’t know what else they’re capable of, so you should…
How to stay friends with an ex
It’s a multi-step process, actually. I’ll divide it into Before, During, After, and Throughout. Before Be friends. Let simmer for at least three months, but ideally six. Treat your friends and their friends well. Sprinkle good experiences throughout. During Don’t…
Stupid things you can do after a break up
I. Go back to her Beg Plead Negotiate Claim to just want to “talk” Pretend that you just really want to go back to being her friend II. Confrontation With her a. In public b. In private c. Out of…
Pamphlet: How Poo Can Help You!
“Okay, so, if you ever happen to be in that situation again, fearing you might be assaulted by a guy, I know what to do. And I’ll tell you, but first, and this is important… can you have a bowel…
Submissions for Non-Paying Publications
Dear Editor-lady, Gabe the Deontological Beaver here with my jam-packed submission for your peanut butter-packed newspaper. Do with it what you will, though hopefully you will print it. Also, I assume you shall contact me if I do end up…
Gabe the High-Brow Beaver
Dear Gabe, Why do people shave their eyebrows? -Seattle-based Service Administrator. Dear Ass-backwards, You are probably saying this in remarks to what a local editor of a local paper did to his local face. Well, the most simple response to…
Gabe v. Joseph Lovato
Dear Gabe, I have a friend that’s having some problems with his mates. See, this friend, let’s call him Fishypoo, is living with this guy, let’s call him donkeybuttbrain, who is not your typical roommate. Assuming your typical roommate doesn’t…
Gabe, the Internet Guru
Dear Gabe, I’ve taken a liking to boy bands. Is that bad? –Joe Pop Dear Joe, There’s absolutely nothing wrong with boy bands. In fact, they are some of that most talended musicians out there in the music biz today.…