Tag: college

I talk and text with my middle school friends to this day. Some of us are going to Iceland on a group trip soon. If I’m honest, I do more texting than they do. We slowly text less and less often. I have lost track of some people. A lot of people. People who were…

I’m at the Student Union, checking my e-mail. I have a message from a professor I really respect! I open the letter. My writing sample is attached, but it’s unmarked and barely read. The message is: “WTF?? We told you the last time that you weren’t good enough to go to grad school and this…

The News Editor wants me to apply for the Editor-in-Chief position next year. At first I said ‘no’ out of modesty, but now I seriously don’t want to do it. Seriously. First off, I doubt I’ll have enough time. That semester will be the semester I start my paper. I will also need to take…

Dear Editor-lady, Gabe the Deontological Beaver here with my jam-packed submission for your peanut butter-packed newspaper. Do with it what you will, though hopefully you will print it. Also, I assume you shall contact me if I do end up ‘winning’ this mysterious and death-defying contest. In any case, there’s a slight problem with the…

Dear Jenny Belle Werness, Thank you for being such an excellent activist. Thank you for being so cute and possibly related to the head of the American Atheists that you won their scholarship. You’re probably going to spend that money on tuition, or fees, or books, or liquor, or perhaps just a giant bar of…

Dear Gabe, Why do people shave their eyebrows? -Seattle-based Service Administrator. Dear Ass-backwards, You are probably saying this in remarks to what a local editor of a local paper did to his local face. Well, the most simple response to that is that people are stupid. We’re not saying this local editor is stupid, after…