You Can’t Make Old Friends
I talk and text with my middle school friends to this day. Some of us are going to Iceland on a group trip soon. If I’m honest, I do more texting than they do. We slowly text less and less…
I am thankful for reality
I’m at the Student Union, checking my e-mail. I have a message from a professor I really respect! I open the letter. My writing sample is attached, but it’s unmarked and barely read. The message is: “WTF?? We told you…
Pixel Editor-in-Chief
The News Editor wants me to apply for the Editor-in-Chief position next year. At first I said ‘no’ out of modesty, but now I seriously don’t want to do it. Seriously. First off, I doubt I’ll have enough time. That…
Submissions for Non-Paying Publications
Dear Editor-lady, Gabe the Deontological Beaver here with my jam-packed submission for your peanut butter-packed newspaper. Do with it what you will, though hopefully you will print it. Also, I assume you shall contact me if I do end up…
Ode to Jenny
Dear Jenny Belle Werness, Thank you for being such an excellent activist. Thank you for being so cute and possibly related to the head of the American Atheists that you won their scholarship. You’re probably going to spend that money…
Gabe the High-Brow Beaver
Dear Gabe, Why do people shave their eyebrows? -Seattle-based Service Administrator. Dear Ass-backwards, You are probably saying this in remarks to what a local editor of a local paper did to his local face. Well, the most simple response to…
Gabe v. Joseph Lovato
Dear Gabe, I have a friend that’s having some problems with his mates. See, this friend, let’s call him Fishypoo, is living with this guy, let’s call him donkeybuttbrain, who is not your typical roommate. Assuming your typical roommate doesn’t…