Goodie Grab Bag VII

As I’ve finished the first edition of our new carnival (release date: October 31, Australia Time), I figured I’d print my own rejects here. Stay tuned next week for our grand unveiling.

Invent a Time Machine and quick! It’s urgent!

2. If you died, would you mind if your girlfriend married?
1. No, I’d want for her to be happy.
2. Now would you mind if she married me?
1. … I guess not. I mean, I’d want you both to be happy, right? It’d be pretty silly to force limits like that.
2. Now what if you were in an irreversible coma?
1. No chance of recovery?
2. Basically none.
1. Well then, yeah, sure, go ahead.
2. So if you’re in a coma, I can ask her out?
1. Yeah, you can do whatever she lets you.
2. … now what if you were just in a really, really deep sleep?

What’s the nicest way to say piss off?

If you don’t see me in the future… try looking in the present.

2. Do vampires have insomnia? Do they sleep walk? Have night cravings? Do male vampires wake up… you know?
1. Personally, I’m not interested in vampire genetalia.

In my defense, the clouds were in my eyes.

I’m on the run from the Grammar Police. You best not tell ’em where I’m at. Uh-oh.

1. Okay, so there were 4 heterosexual guys and me.
2. And you?

My poetic license expired.

Hi, I’m Pixel and this is my buddy Rob, but you can call us Rob and Pixel.

Candidate 1: Any questions?
Reporter: Yes. Who da douche? You! Who da douche??
Candidate 1: Security!!
Reporter: Hold on! Hold on! Quick follow-up question?
Candidate 1: I see no harm in that.
Reporter: Have you told your parents you’re a douche yet?
Candidate 1: Yes, but I… (mumbling in the crowd) Damn!

A negative definition of negative: not positive.

2. I like going by the old Chinese maxim: a meal should be 1/3 solid, 1/3 liquid, and 1/3 nothing.
1. Is it working?
2. No, I keep having seconds.

I want to start a new group on facebook, but I don’t know what to call it. I want it to sound efficient and good, but not actually say or do anything. I’m thinking of calling it the Organization Club Society Group.

My birthday suit is stained.

As I’ve finished the first edition of our new carnival (release date: October 31, Australia Time), I figured I’d print my own rejects here. Stay tuned next week for our grand unveiling. Invent a Time Machine and quick! It’s urgent! 2. If you died, would you mind if your girlfriend married? 1. No, I’d want…