Tuesday, 28 February, 2006

Here’s To Moving On

Filed under: Tagged — Ex_cal @ 23:41

Today we of the class 2006 go on to bigger and better things. We, who have been cloistered in the classrooms for the past ten odd years, now finally head out into the wide world we’ve worked so hard to experience through new eyes.

Yes, we of the Cyborg Ninja Death Squad School have truly come a long way, from freshman to graduates.

Some of us will go on to be computer game villains, and what villains we’ll be! Look forward to our fleeting footsteps creeping up behind you at speed and when you turn around? We’ll be GONE! That shit never gets old! Some of us will become Super Villains, controlling a universal death laser perhaps. Nay, a SUPER universal death laser! Aimed at Washington? Why not all the capitals of the world? Hell, we have the capabilities to do so. We’ll skip Katmandu though. We gotta have somewhere to raise our Cyborg Ninja Death Squadlets.

Perhaps we’ll just settle down into office jobs, simply doing barrel rolls and fly kicking managers when they lose the memo five damn times in a fucking row. Perhaps we’ll be standing at the water cooler with ‘Phil’ and ‘Matt’, or somesuch, and there’ll only be a thirty odd chance of us planting a well aimed fist in their throat. We Cyborg Ninja Death Squad ninjas are, after all, just humble ninjas with a pedigree. A pedigree that includes such Cyborg Ninja Death Squad alumni as Lord Objectico, master of the Earth (weekends inclusive).

Ah we’ve had a fun time, have we not? Years of study now results in a class I am proud to be valedictorian of such a wild and whacky bunch? Do you guys remember that time that Jake (now dubbed Cyborg Destroyer Ninja #32) totally flipped out and killed someone, and then did a rock guitar solo? That was totally bitching. Snap.

Or when Super Slayer 4000 went down to the library and the librarian said ‘oh your book is late, you owe us two dollars’? I remember it took them a month to clean the blood off the ceiling that time.

But we must remember in the time to come that to be a true Cyborg Ninja Death Squad Ninja, you must be three things. First (and feel free to call these out), and most importantly, you must?

Be a cyborg. Yes! If we weren’t cyborgs, we’d simply be Ninja Death Squads. That’d just be lame.

Be a true ninja. If we didn’t totally flip out and kill people, what would we be? Seriously, we’d just be lame asses who wear totally cool clothing and do bitchin’ guitar solos. That, my friends, is real ultimate power.

Be totally into killing people. We’re not into half measures here at the Cyborg Ninja Death School. If we find out that any member isn’t totally into killing people, we… um… kill them. I’ve put forward the argument that we should be more imaginative in our punishment, but we’re not Catholics, we’re ninjas!

So remember class of 2006, head out with your heads held high, your ‘swords’ sharp (eh? EH?!) and kill with impunity! Huzzah!

Oh and have your textbooks in by Wednesday, the new librarian is a bitch that way.

DOSAGE

Filed under: Tagged — Ex_cal @ 2:40

Dosage: Three tablets once daily, after food, during food, or before food. May be taken with liquids (not milk) if tepid (must be tepid) in glass (must be glass, plastic may cause combustion).

Side effects may include: headaches, backaches, kneeache, ankleache, elbowache. Stomach upset will probably occur but can be countered with whiskey. Lots of whiskey. Enough whiskey to drown a cat.

Bowel loosening should be expected, and should be countered using adult diapers. In case of movement, the manufacturer recommends you evacuate outside to prevent later cleaning, as evacuation is best described as being similar to ‘the unholiest stream of filth ever seen’. In case of need to clean, avoid using solvents as the combination will result in noxious gas released. Soap and water may be used, however, but without a sponge as a sponge creates a chemical circuit similar to C4.

Blindness common among those aged 8-19, 20-32, 33-89. Side effect is fleeting however, resembling a strobe light while moving. This may last up to fourteen days per single dose. Nausea common during dosage, as is ‘being hit by a rhythm stick’ during such times. Beats required to be fresh. Snap.

Fingers may grey overnight, if this happens do not call anyone and instead let nature run its course. Participants who follow this course of action are guaranteed fifty thousand dollars if they survive. Claims must be documented by a priest. Catholic or Baptist required. Both at once is not recommended in case one is right and the other is wrong and you end up in Limbo.

Hunger may arise early on in the dosage, rising sharply in the first twenty minutes before reaching a plateau at a point of ‘absolutely fucking ravenous’. Avoid food during this time, as the stomach will empty itself in approximately twenty seconds. This evacuation will occur suddenly from all orifices connected to the digestive tract. All orifices. A good place to stand during this time is probably the backyard. Or a neighbour’s yard. Depends who you like, really.

Hair will fall out during the first 24 hours, in large clumps. Remaining hair will turn green, then blue, then red, then spiders will hatch from each of your strands and flutter off in warm air breezes wafting up in the summer. Do not be alarmed. In fact, avoid alarm above all else as it may cause spontaneous burrowing among the spores.

Within twenty minutes of dosage, user may have sudden urge to take another dosage. In fact, this urge will become irresistible as the sun fairy ‘Ixlyzt’ may appear in a hallucination promising all manners of riches in return for another pill taken. During this time, it is advisable to chain yourself to something that will not be movable under any circumstances, such as a column made of concrete (steel is preferable). If this is not available, hamstring yourself and tourniquet your legs. You’ll thank yourself later.

‘Speaking in Tongues’ is common among the young, the middle aged and the elderly. Warn friends and family members not to call a priest, in case you get a superfluous exorcism. I’ve heard those can hurt like buggery. Heh! Priest- buggery… gettit? Gettit?!

During dosage, tablets may expand rapidly (‘like a tampon in a bottle neck’ my girlfriend puts it). If this happens, tilt back head and ‘deepthroat’ a chopstick. Avoid allowing chopstick to remain in windpipe, as it may inhibit breathing, walking, and living.

Mood swings are common, and may be accompanied by throwing of various debris at all sundry. During such times, bystanders should be encouraged to use mace to subdue patient. Tabasco sauce mixed with red pepper can be an effective substitute. Also, oven cleaner.

May cause heart failure. Um. If this happens… I dunno, we’ll send you a ham?

If symptoms persist, please call your doctor, shaman, or Rabbi.

Monday, 27 February, 2006

WIRED

Filed under: Tagged — Ex_cal @ 2:45

ME: Sorry, what were you saying?
TED: What?
ME: I just had an itch back there, that’s all. What were you saying?
TED: …I’ve been talking for ten minutes…
ME: True, true… but um… recap.
TED: …Are you on drugs?
ME: Not at the moment, just refresh my memory.
TED: (sighs) FINE. I’ve been cheating on Julia.
ME: With who again?
TED: Are you sure you’re not high? With my secretary, Sarah.
ME: Ah yes… yes…
TED: Since when do you wear a flower on your lapel?
ME: Um…. never mind the flower.
TED: Anyway, keep this talk between us yeah?
ME: Of course, what are friends for?

SARAH: –What was that beep?
ME: Oh just my mobile.
SARAH: Okay.
ME: Mm… so… what were you saying?
SARAH: Just that Ted makes me feel so alive, ya know. Like… like, I matter.
ME: Uh huh. And what did he buy you?
SARAH: Do you have memory problems?
ME: Um… the doctors aren’t sure. Indulge me.
SARAH: Well, he got me a new car.
ME: A PORSCHE wasn’t it?
SARAH: Yeah!
ME: That’s so much better than the Toyota he got his wife.
SARAH: Who are you talking to?
ME: Oh sorry, just lapsed in concentration there. Thinking out loud.
SARAH: Well I’m glad you’re here to talk with.
ME: I’ll never betray you.
JULIA: Hi there.
ME: Hi, thank you for meeting me here.
JULIA: No problem. Hey, nice flower!
ME: Thanks. So what were you say—

SNIIIIFFFF

JULIA: –twice tonight.
ME: Say again, I missed some of that?
JULIA: I said Ted called me twice tonight, trying to apologise.
ME: What’d you say?
JULIA: I’ll tell you what I said! I said-

THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD

ME: Please don’t prod my lapel like that.
JULIA: Sorry.

ME: I don’t know mum, I’m starting to think that recording my friends is the wrong thing to do…
MUM: Wait a second honey.

BEEP

ME: What was that?
MUM: My mobile.
ME: …You don’t have a mobile…
MUM: Um… truck backing up…
ME: Oh.
MUM: So what were you saying?
ME: I was saying that recording my friends may be the wrong thing.
MUM: Uh huh, and who are you?
ME: Your SON!
MUM: Oh that’s right.
ME: You having memory problems?
MUM: No, no, just making sure.
ME: You won’t tell anybody, right?
MUM: Of course not son. If you can’t trust your mother, who can you trust?

Sunday, 26 February, 2006

Congratulations!

Filed under: Tagged — Ex_cal @ 6:20

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a new Friend(tm) who will doubtlessly give you years of pleasure (actual pleasure not guaranteed, doubtlessness contested).

Before you give your Friend(tm) a spin, though, there are a few safety concerns that must be addressed first.

IMPORTANT SAFEGUARDS:

When using electrical appliances, basic safety precautions should always be followed, including the following:

  • Read all instructions.
  • Avoid touching your Friend(tm) unless otherwise asked to.
  • Avoid rubbing your Friend(tm) (unless willing to upgrade to Friend(tm) With Privileges).
  • Do not immerse Friend(tm) in liquid.
  • Supervise your children playing with Friend(tm) (unless you’re one of THOSE parents).
  • Allow to cool down after exercise.
  • May be used outdoors, but only if Friend(tm) is not morbidly obese.
  • Do not dislodge food trapped in Friend(tm) unless asked to.
  • Do not use Friend(tm) for anything other than the intended use of product (i.e., not for propping up a car).
  • Avoid operating damaged Friend(tm).
  • Do not allow Friend(tm) to drink heavily before driving, unless you have a ‘spirit of adventure’.
  • Avoid telling your Friend(tm) long boring stories about your trip to Miami where you met Claire and had a whale of a time and got sooooo fucking drunk that you puked on her dress and never called her again ha ha what a riot.
  • When cleaning Friend(tm), make sure you’ve been actively asked to do so, or else that they’re comatose to the point you can raid their wallets afterward for further drinks.
  • Do not expose Friend(tm) to open wiring.
  • No, seriously, don’t.
  • A fire may occur if Friend(tm) is covered with flammable liquids and exposed to an open flame. This isn’t a safety concern, per se, but more of a helpful reminder.
  • The use of accessory attachments to your Friend(tm) (such as nipple clamps) are neither covered under warranty nor encouraged by the manufacturer (either God or a big BLAMMO, respectively).
  • Mocking your Friend(tm)’s girlFriend(tm) may result in injury or death.

Product may vary slightly from what’s illustrated.

A Friend

HOW TO USE:

The product is for personal use only, can be combined with other Friend(tm)s.

  1. Greet your Friend(tm) and invite him to your home/a local bar/church/prison visiting room.
  2. Engage your Friend(tm) in polite conversation.
  3. Make witty retorts.
  4. Apologise for what you said about your Friend(tm)’s mother, adding you were only ‘fooling around’.
  5. Give a playful punch on your Friend(tm)’s arm.
  6. Shy away from repeating the punch.
  7. Engage in further conversation.

Repeat until your Friend(tm) leaves/you’re both drunk/he’s converted/its time for a cavity search.

Helpful hints:

  • Don’t mention the war. I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it…
  • Avoid having too many topics of conversation. Your Friend(tm) is only human, after all. Or at least that’s what his mother says (heyooooo!!)
  • If food becomes lodged in your Friend(tm)’s gullet, help in extracting it. Unless your Friend(tm) has drool on him and stuff, in which case, just back away slowly and pretend you don’t know him.
  • When conversation wanes, feel free to order another drink. Get your Friend(tm) to pay though, you’re not a charity worker after all.
  • Topics that are ‘good’ for your Friend(tm): Dogs, parrots, cats, walruses, bears, ferrets. Wait… seriously, what is wrong with your friend? I mean, I like animals too, but JESUS…
  • ‘Bad’ topics: Bricks, walls, mallets, asbestos, Garfield, the Cambodian Killing Fields, the war… oh jeez, I mentioned it again.
  • When conversation ends, avoid making eye contact. They hate it when you do that. No, I don’t mean for everyone, just you. Why? Well, I know no-one tells you this, but damn, do you have a thyroid problem or something?!
  • To interrupt the conversation at any time, just tell your Friend(tm) something that will produce a sudden pause. A good example is ‘ever seen whale penis?’. Only the most stalwartly conversationalist will be able to continue under such a statement.

CARE AND CLEANING:

Always ensure your Friend(tm) is clean at all times. In case of extreme drunkenness, the steps are as follows.

  1. Remove pants
  2. Oh shit oh shit, shoes first! SHOES!
  3. Okay, NOW pants.
  4. Put pants back ON, because your Friend(tm) isn’t wearing underwear and your soul has just been violated in so many ways.
  5. Just kind of throw a blanket over him and rejoin the party.
  6. Avoid thinking about the following: gherkins, cucumbers, sausages, columns, smoke stacks and cocktail wieners.

And there you have it. We hope you enjoy your Friend(tm) as much as you can in the years to come. Happy trails!

Saturday, 25 February, 2006

An Introduction… and a ranting.

Filed under: Tagged — Ex_cal @ 14:48

Aloha to all of Pix’s fans. Due to other ‘commitments’ (which are doubtlessly more important to him than YOU people) I’ve been given the privilege of updating the Pixcapacitor!

Who am I? Good question! I’m Ex_cal from ‘Borderland… Homeland… Wasteland‘. I’m also six foot three and all man, baby, ooooh yeah.

Feel free to insert a mental pelvic thrust there, by the way.

Now to the business of blogging. Bear in mind my style is a tad different to our friend Pix’s, which basically means I swear more. A whole lot more.

Perhaps one of the world’s worst inventions to date is the mobile phone. Also, one of the world’s best inventions to date is the mobile phone. But mostly… they suck.

Look at it this way: at best, you spend untold hundreds of dollars on the damn thing, just to get static ridden fleeting conversations with people inside loud bars yelling ‘where are you?…. okay, I can’t hear you…. WHERE ARE YOU?! WHERE!? WHAT?! WHAT???!!!’ I think you get the idea. Sure they can be useful when you’re stranded somewhere… if you have money in your account, that is. Otherwise?

You’re fucked.

But when they’re at their worst? Oh lordy… Let me run down a few common scenes that seem very common.

#1: “Hello? No… no… I’m in a movie. Yes… yes… Wait a second babe, someone is shushing me. Listen buddy, I’m on the phone ok? It’s important! Why don’t I go outside to make my call? Why don’t YOU go outside? Well you should’ve thought of that before you picked this movie. You still there Shawna? What was I saying?”

#2: “Hello?….. Hello?….. HELLO?….. No, no you’re breaking up- HELLO? HELLO??!?! Yeah I hear you now. What’s up- HELLO?!”

#3: “Hi.” *battery goes dead*

#4: “(In drunken slur) I’m shorry babay, I luuuv yuu… I LUUVVVV yuuuu, I’ll call yuu tamorow, don worry bout what I said, I luvvv yuuu” *loud crash as caller trips over a garbage bin*

I’d like to go back in time and find out who invented the mobile phone and explain to him exactly what he was about to wreak upon the world. How many goddamn slurred, drunken phone calls would’ve been prevented if we didn’t have PHONES IN OUR POCKETS?! The mind reels.

Still, though, they’re better than the alternatives. Imagine a drunken Aldis lamp conversation…

DARK LIGHT DARK DARK LIGHT DARK LIGHT DARK LIGHT LIGHT DARK DARK LIGHT DARK DARK LIGHT DARK LIGHT DARK LIGHT LIGHT DARK.

Oh and please don’t try to translate that, for both our sakes.

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