An eye for a joke

I caught a plagiarist yesterday. A paid, local columnist (and retired journalist, no less), who included a list of things to do to pass the time while in Wal-Mart:

When a guy goes to Wal-Mart with his wife, he has to invent things to pass the time because it takes hours for her to shop. Being a guy, of course, he gets restless and inventive, and that can boggle your mind. For instance, look at these bogglers:
• He sets all alarm clocks in housewares to go off at five-minute intervals.
• He approaches an employee and in an official tone whispers, “Code 3.”
• At the service desk, he asks to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away.
• He moves a “caution-wet floor” sign into the bathroom fixtures section.
• He sets up a tent in the camping department, stocks it with all sorts of outdoors equipment, and then invites shoppers to join him if they bring their own pillows.
• He uses the security camera as a mirror and picks his nose.
• While handling guns in the outdoors department, he asks the clerk where the anti-depressant pills are located.
• He sneaks stealthily around the store in a suspicious manner while humming the “Mission Impossible” theme song.
• In the automotive department he poses as Madonna using different sized funnels.
• He hides behind a clothing rack, and when shoppers come near, he whispers, “pick me.”
• When an announcement comes over a loudspeaker, he drops to the floor in a fetal position and cries, “No! No! It’s those voices again!”
• He goes into a fitting room, waits a few minutes, then yells, very loud, “There’s no toilet paper in here.”

So you can see shopping with your wife is the last thing you want to do unless you like to make a fool of yourself. Of course you can always go ahead and act zany by putting X-rated CDs in other shoppers’ carts.

Compare those twelve bullet points, then, to this list, found through Google on some random humor site:

• Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.
• Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
• Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
• Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in housewares … and see what happens.
• Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
• Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
• Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
• When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
• Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
• While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
• Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
• In the auto department, practice your “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
• Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME!”
• When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

(And last, but not least!)

• Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

You’d think I’d have more sympathy for the man, I too have had to deal with deadlines of coming up with funny material when it just wasn’t there. I, too, have had weekly columns to write that sap out your creative juices. I, too, have felt the pressure of expectation and the lack of sympathy from people who have never done such before, but think that because it’s not a serious topic that it can’t be hard.

But, damn it, plagiarism is wrong! When I was in ninth grade, I had to write a dialogue for my drama class and I procrastinated far too long. Then, rather than be embarrassed by turning in nothing, I plagiarized… and was then embarrassed by being caught.

I only realized how terrible that was when I had come up with my own things and people stole them or repeated them without giving me credit.

There’s a great compliment in being imitated and a great insult in being usurped. But sometimes, the distinction is too slight to distinguish..

p.s. Much muck is being thrown around in the background. I’ve been messing with my blog for a week now. Big things are on their way.

I caught a plagiarist yesterday. A paid, local columnist (and retired journalist, no less), who included a list of things to do to pass the time while in Wal-Mart: When a guy goes to Wal-Mart with his wife, he has to invent things to pass the time because it takes hours for her to shop.…