Ode to the Lappy

I’ve had a swarm of e-mail, phone calls and sympathy packages over my poor lappy since I first reported its demise at the beginning of this month. The hours and days and weeks have been hard for everyone involved, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your great sympathy. The most common comment, besides sympathy and offering me monetary and physical condolences, was

‘why don’t you talk more about your lappy? Like— a whole lot more. Because these updates just aren’t enough and we’re all real worried and oh, so concerned. Couldn’t you devote several long articles over a period of weeks and months discussing this topic?’

Now, I thought that perhaps I was being too self-centered with regular updates to a case that afflicts nobody but myself, but after dozens of comments like that, I might have to reevaluate my conclusion. Allow me to tell you the story of Lappy Q. Styx:

When Pixel’s previous Lappy broke through gross wear and tear, he was worried he’d never be able to get another one. His brother had given him his Lappy and he was just a poor lass who had never been able to purchase anything that didn’t bounce. ((Apparently, ‘science’ is not an appropriate reason for adopting an orphan.)) But as soon as he returned from Australia, ((Oh, we forgot to mention, his Lappy broke in another continent, which meant his continental insurance was useless.)) he took out a loan and bought his new Lappy.

This new lappy was a 14″ iBook with 100 Googlybytes of memory and 1.5 Gigglybytes of RAM, so it was pretty top-shelf. He took his Lappy with him everywhere: work, out to eat, to the movies and on dates. He and his Lappy were closer than most conjoined twins. ((“You’re gay? Really? I didn’t know that!”)) Pixel and his Lappy were together for two years, teaming up for such fun adventures as ‘converting to Dvorak,’ ‘discovering the Anderson Cooper 360° podcast,’ and ‘handbraking a movie.’ Pixel never took his Lappy for granted, but he was still not prepared for when it stopped working.

It was a cold November midafternoon in New Mexico (55°F, brr!) when Lappy shut down and refused to turn on. Pixel screamed at the heavens and weeped profusely. He raced from computer hospital to computer hospital, trying to find the cheapest way to patch old Lappy up temporarily. He found one doctor that claimed he could figure out what was wrong for only $160. As Lappy didn’t have health insurance, Pixel paid and hoped for the best.

When the doctor called and told Pixel the Lappy needed a new heart, Pixel nearly cried. Then, after a few hours of introspection, he decided to remarry. He went to go pick up his Lappy, expecting to take it to the funeral home for cremation when Lappy spoke up and turned on again! Pixel was ecstatic!

… but he decided to get a new Lappy anyway because he just wasn’t attracted to Lappy anymore.

Ahh… isn’t that a heartwarming story? And what’s this? What sound and white truck driving by do I hear? Is it FedEx? Why I believe it might just be! It’s a new Lappy! Yey!

…We’ve been talking this over and we’re not going to have a public ceremony, instead, we’ll just have a small affair with the judge and a witness. Please send your wedding gifts directly to me.

Today I am thankful for…  Lappy!

———

Non-lappy update: This is the precise sequence of numbers I just dialed (seriously now) in order to call my cousin and wish her the happiest of birthdays: 635487621272955870011525557540580. It took me six tries (no joke) to realize that it wasn’t 6354876212729558700115201555557540580, so much as 635487621272955870011525557540580. And even then, I’m not sure if I got through right, because it just sent me to a voicemail.

I’ve had a swarm of e-mail, phone calls and sympathy packages over my poor lappy since I first reported its demise at the beginning of this month. The hours and days and weeks have been hard for everyone involved, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your great sympathy. The most…