I’m really famous on TV: haven’t you ever seen America’s Most Wanted?

My ten-year high school reunion is coming up in five years, so I’ve already started working on my lies. As you may know, the secret to a good reunion lie (or lie in general) is that it has to be believable, yet make an impression. Now, I could easily tell the same old, tired “I’m a millionaire super genius married to a super model” story, but then people might quiz me on the taste of caviar and catch me lying.  So, to create a believable fake story for my reunion, I’ve crafted a fake life up until now.  What do you think?

My (fictional) life story since high school:

• Year One: I graduated high school and entered the local community college, moving in with my best friends. After failing the first semester, I resolved to not let that happen again only to get kicked out my second semester for plagiarism. Then my roommates got together and moved without telling me: selling all of my stuff.
• Year Two: I started working full-time washing dishes at Pot Belly’s pizza before the IRS audited the owner and shut down the place on account of it just being a meth lab in disguise.  I spent a good portion of the year giving depositions and almost went to jail, but managed to get free by convincing them that it was humanly possible to be that ignorant.  I left the job and got hired at a video store, which was so great because I got to see every movie that came out
• Year Three: I finally decided to make it big in life and moved to Las Vegas with my manager. However, after three months of not finding any singing work on account of my looks, my manager left me and took all of my money. I spent the next nine months paying for the debt he’d incurred gambling in my name.  I even tried to get into the adult movie business: being in two movies before my first suicide attempt.  When I got out of the hospital, they wouldn’t let me get into any movies anymore, so I gave up.  It was sad, too, because I had finally built up enough credit to make the switch to heterosexual porn.
• Year Four:  I moved back home with my mom and went back to work at the video store.  I got a night job as a bouncer in a punk-themed bar.  I finally reconciled with my former best friend and began making money.  I met a girl at the bar and we started dating, but she got pregnant within two months and we had to have a shotgun wedding.  Despite it all, I was happy.  The child was born premature and I had to sell my car to pay for the hospital bill, but it was worth it.  We named the kid Frank after my best friend who was also the godfather.
• Year Five:  I left my wife after six months together after I caught her cheating on me with my best friend.  Actually, I let that one slide, but the next month I found out that she’d been contacting sexual partners on the Internet.  I tried to leave and take our child, but she told me it was actually my best friend’s and kept it.  I tried killing myself again, but failed, so I was in the hospital when the judge awarded her full custody and child support that was two-thirds of my pay check.  Now I’m living back with my mom again, but am glad I went through it all because it made me who I am today.

I think I’m out of ideas of what the absolute saddest life story could be.  Does anyone care to suggest something?

My ten-year high school reunion is coming up in five years, so I’ve already started working on my lies. As you may know, the secret to a good reunion lie (or lie in general) is that it has to be believable, yet make an impression. Now, I could easily tell the same old, tired “I’m…