Meet the Pixel

Asking myself the questions I’m too scared to ask myself.

Questioner Pixel Q. Styx: First of all I’d like to welcome you and thank you for agreeing to this interview.

Answerer Pixel Q. Styx: It’s my pleasure, I’m a huge fan of yours, Carlos.

Pixel: … It’s ‘Pixel.’

Styx: Yes, yes it is.

Pixel: No, my name is Pixel.

Styx: Oh, good for you… Were your parents hippies or something?

Pixel: Moving on. Mr. Styx, you recently stated the following on your blog:

We all know I’m in the pocket of Big Pixel, but did you know I once had a fling with Big Oil? It didn’t end well and I had jock itch for a week afterward.

My question is, what do you mean by being in the pocket of Big Pixel and having a fling with Big Oil? Are you saying that they have an undue influence on you?

Styx: That quote is taken out of context. What I meant to say was that my positions are perfectly in line with the vast majority of the American public, and, as an odd consequence, with Big Pixel as well. But I am proud to say that in the past 72 hours, I have never, I repeat: NEVER taken a dime from corporate lobbyists. Some of my opponents have, but I won’t name any names. I believe what follows that quote is the full text of the constitution and a list of 80 things that my opponents have done worse than I have, yet have attacked me for.

Pixel: Later on in that same article you write:

Some of these opponents have pointed at the recent $164,000 “contribution” that the Centrists for Religious Whateverism have donated to my personal bank account. Allow me to disavow, in no unequivocal words, how much or how little this may or may not have influenced me. Furthermore, let me expound on how infantile this accusation seems, after all: I’ve dealt with it countless times in the past and if anyone is truly interested, they can just check my record.

What are you saying here?

Styx: Oh, that’s a misquote.

Pixel: We took it from the article you wrote. It’s currently up on your Web site, we’re looking at a live stream of it right now. Don’t you have a comment?

Styx: I don’t think I should discuss it any further as it has been beaten to the ground ad nauseum over the entire cycle. I’ve answered the accusation numerous times and my opponents are only trying to gain political capital by jumping on this trite and inane little contribution. My record is quite clear.

Pixel: Actually, we checked your record, it’s been sealed under a judges injunction. But what we have gathered is secret tapes of you talking to Bob Smith, the leader of the CRW. Let’s listen:

(poor quality recording)

Styx: So, thanks for the money. How can I help you? Do you want a bill passed? Do you want your ex-wife whacked? How about women and drugs? I can get you anything you want.

Smith: Actually, I really was just donating the money because I support your campaign.

Styx: How about getting your daughter into Yale? Eliminating your criminal record? Diplomatic plates? An ambassadorship? An appointment as chairman of the Federal Reserve?

Smith: No, I really am quite happy. My daughter is in Harvard, my record is clean, I don’t drive, and I’m retired.

Styx: I didn’t hear anything about not killing your wife. Consider it done.

Smith: No! No, please, just take the money and go. You don’t even have to thank me.

Styx: Right, all of the above then. Consider yourself thanked.

Do you have any comment?

Styx: That was a typo.

Pixel: … The recording. Was a typo?

Styx: Please, Wolf, you’d think I hadn’t gone through this time and again. It was a typo, I don’t know what else to tell you.

Pixel: My name is ‘Pixel.’

Styx: What are you, autistic?

Pixel: No, I mean it’s not ‘Wolf.’

Styx: What do you want, a cookie?

Pixel: Thank you, Mr. Styx.

Styx: No problem, Ringo.

… Tim Russert has nothing on me!

Asking myself the questions I’m too scared to ask myself. Questioner Pixel Q. Styx: First of all I’d like to welcome you and thank you for agreeing to this interview. Answerer Pixel Q. Styx: It’s my pleasure, I’m a huge fan of yours, Carlos. Pixel: … It’s ‘Pixel.’ Styx: Yes, yes it is. Pixel: No,…