Are you Okay?
In civilized conversation, there is no more selfish phrase in the English language than “Are you okay?” ((The first person that comments “Are you okay?” is no longer my friend.))
I say this in spite of all the seemingly more selfish phrases you can come up with. “I think I’d rather use these $100 bills as toilet paper than give them to orphans” and “Boy, you’ve all gotten so fat while I remain young and vigorous” are both outwardly selfish, but they are guileless and lack any real impact. The person who would say those is not worthy of consideration purely because he would be the type of person to say those things.
“Are you okay?” on the other hand, has often been spoken by well-meaning folk who know that something is not okay, but have come upon a certain situation. You usually ask if someone is okay for the reasons:
- As a way to start a conversation with someone who is hurt/sad to show you care/are offering to help.
- To make yourself feel better. (“I asked her if she was okay!”)
- To inquire whether the person feels there is any permanent damage.
You don’t ever ask it wondering if someone really is okay, because okay is a default position. When a person could go either way, you ask if they are all right. ‘All right’ means stuff is good. ‘Okay’ means that stuff is acceptable or passable. So if somebody is ‘okay,’ it’s never something to be happy about. It’s just a lack of something to be sad about.
Most of the time, I think this phrase should be avoided in favor of what the person actually means at the time:
- When a girl is crying in the corner: “Is your crying caused by the lack of strangers offering help for things they don’t understand? Because if it is… you’re in luck!”
- When your girlfriend storms in, angry: “If you want to tell me what happened and why you’re mad, I’d love to hear it. Otherwise, I’ll just go get the boxing gloves and a cup, so you can just wail on me that way.”
- When someone has fallen while running a marathon: “Can you go on? Do you need anything? I have speed, if that’s what you want.”
My true problem with the phrase is that I worry people just say it because that’s what you’re supposed to say. And, like kissing someone on a dare, it just isn’t the same. Most of the time you know the person is not okay. You just ask it to start a conversation or to ‘show that you care.’ The problem is that the phrase doesn’t do either very well.
And what should the other person even respond? You gave them a yes or no question to an open-ended problem. How selfish is that? ((Answer yes or no, plz.))
21. I have a birthmark on my leg that’s more of a Rorcharch test than anything. I see the ghost of Mickey Mouse. What do you see? In civilized conversation, there is no more selfish phrase in the English language than “Are you okay?” ((The first person that comments “Are you okay?” is no longer…
I’ll bite one this one, LOL. The second most annoying and meaningless phrase is the ubiquitous “How are you?” Because frankly, we know you don’t give a shit, and also, do you really want my answer? I would love to be able to say, “I am having a really crappy day because I am in the middle of declaring bankruptcy, my boyfriend dumped me, and my ass just keeps getting bigger…but hey, thanks for asking, how are you?”
Hey Carolus, you sound upset…are you okay? hahaha 😆
Sorry. You know I had to do it. Seriously though, I had a similar disucssion recently over the movie Batman Begins. At some point the cop tells the young Bruce Wayne (who’s just watched his parents gunned down in front of him) “It’s okay.” This sparked the discussion of why would you EVER say that to a kid who has literally JUST lost his parents? What did he mean by telling him that? A lot of people are guilty of this. So, more generally what do we mean by telling someone “It’s okay” when you know that their life is crap and/or things have clearly gone to hell in a handbasket?
PS. I have occasionally replied, “I’m having a crap day” in response to “how are you?” But you know if you reply honestly you’ll just end up extending a discussion with someone you’re not really interested in talking to anyway
Moira, I believe I gave you fair warning. I guess you are no longer my friend.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Did nine and a three-quarter years of friendship really mean so little to you? Oh, well… I can’t say I didn’t predict it…
🙂
Has it been THAT long? Wow. We’re old.
To answer your question, would I throw an almost 10 year friendship with one of my best friends away for the sake of a cheap laugh…? Absolutely. You know you would too. That’s why we’re friends in the first place. 😀
hahaha, that’s awesome.
Shame you feel this way; I’ve always felt it was one of the more endearing phrases. I know it’s probably unjustifiable, but I love when guys ask me that. I refuse to let it bother me I suppose.
You might just be the first person to ever tell me that. Glad to hear, I thought it was a silent irritation for everybody.
I’m in the Dawn camp. It’s a social construct, somewhat akin to lying, yes, but it works on the basis of us all pretending it’s not.
If someone obviously has something wrong, asking them if they’re ok is essentially asking them for permission to try and comfort them. If they say “Yeah, yeah it’s fine, just give me a minute” you know they want to tough it out alone, and so you pretend to believe it. If they say “No” and tell you the problem, it’s permission to try and help out, if only in listening.