Ind e-Pen # XXXVIII, of Politics and Pornography

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction
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So apparently I’d lost it. Oops. My bad. I’ll try not to let Trumpet Rob down again. Anyway, I’m including here my proposal for reforming the current political system along with a series of interesting statistics about pornography. I’m throwing that in for T. Rob. He heh. Porn…

Ideas.

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If there’s anything I’m full of, it’s ideas. The ideas are usually crap, mind you, but they’re still ideas. In any case, I think up new things to make the world better All The Time. For instance, just today I thought up the idea of a pop tart that was frosted on BOTH sides.

Who wouldn’t love that? A doubly-frosty tarty pop? Mmm… Also, a wee bit ago, I thought of a magazine more reputable than Newsweek and more entertaining than Time. I call it: NewsTime!! And it needs the two exclamation marks; else it just doesn’t make any sense.

But my true prize idea is that which I shall implement before 2012. I call it The Superiour Partey.

First a little background:

A long time ago, my good friend Jonathan B. Trust and I decided to run for office. It wasn’t anything major like Senator, but it also wasn’t anything wimpy like State Representative. No, we wanted to be President and Executive Officer of a club in our high school known only as MESA.

Running unopposed, we nevertheless decided to campaign vigorously. That was about where we started to go wrong… We bribed voters (after insulting them), we mocked the process (that we were using), we insulted voters (then bribed them), we built a website, came up with a partey platform (right?), and even corrupted an independent paper.

… then some inconsiderate, young poopensmiths decided that it would be fun if they ran AGAINST us. They came up with the most original name in their mental arsenal: The Anti-Superiour Partey, and started campaigning like they thought it would make them friends.

It didn’t.

They copied everything from us and viciously assaulted us on our entire platform (which was a joke up until then… but it still hurt, damn it). They built a website and slowly started converting people to the dark side.

In response to this, Jonathan and I grew tired and bought some walkie-talkies. We stopped caring about it at exactly the time that the Inferiour, err… I mean Anti-Superiour, Partey got into full swing.

Then, just before election, the last five people that said that they were voting for us, switched to the dark side.

… I should probably mention here that we had another person running on our ticket. But since he was also on the Inferiour Ticket, we don’t consider him Superiour. Take that Jack!

Anyway, the Superiour Partey folded as soon as that campaign ended. But here I’ve decided to resurrect it (without consulting Jonathan B. Trust at all, no less. But then why would I? He doesn’t have a weekly e-mail to write… to my knowledge).

The principles of this partey are awesome. Basically, it’s the Better Business Bureau for politicians. We come up with these kick-ass party platforms (basically centered on education, health, the environment, and taxes), and create punch-elephant requirements for entry.

The Center for Public Integrity (publicintegrity.org) would crunch all the numbers and give a number to everyone who wanted admittance to the Superiour Partey. The number would be based on a percentage of what the person PROMISED to do versus what s/he actually DID. Anyone who scored less than 90% would be unable to call themselves Superiour. That way, it would be a constant testing of our political values and people would be able to trust straight-ticket voting again.

I like it, I think it’ll work and I’m surprised it hasn’t been done before. What do you all think?

Interesting Stats from my Media Law Class that I didn’t bother to fact check, but neither will you:

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Daily pornographic search engine requests: 68 million (25% of total search engine requests)

Daily pornographic emails: 2.5 billion (8% of total emails)

U.S. adults who regularly visit Internet pornography websites: 40 million

Largest consumer of Internet pornography: 12-17 age group

Child pornography generates $3 billion annually

U.S. porn revenue exceeds the combined revenues of ABC, CBS and NBC ($6.2 billion)

Pornographic websites: 4.2 million (12% of total websites)

Pornographic pages: 372 million

Average daily pornographic emails/user: 4.5 per internet user

Monthly pornographic downloads (Peer-to-peer): 1.5 billion (35% of all downloads)

Daily child porn requests: 116,000

Sexual solicitations of youth made in chat rooms: 89% (that means 89% of solicitations of youth occurred in chat rooms)

Youths who received online sexual solicitation: 20%

Worldwide visitors to pornographic web sites: 72 million annually

Cyberporn sales-including videos and accessories ordered online-accounted for 10% of 2001’s $22 billion E-commerce pie.

Surfers’ spending on access to adult-content sites is expected to rise to more than $4 billion by 2004

Almost half of people with Internet access visit pornography sites

Children’s internet porn statistics

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Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography:11 years old

15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures: 80%

8-16 year olds having viewed porn online: 90% (most while doing homework!)

7-17 year olds who would freely give out home address: 29%

7-17 year olds who would freely give out email address: 14%

Children’s characters linked to thousands of porn links: 26 (including Pokemon and Action Man)

Adult internet porn statistics

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Men admitting to accessing pornography at work: 20%

Women admitting to accessing pornography at work: 13%

US adults who regularly visit Internet pornography websites: 40 million

Adults admitting to Internet sexual addiction: 10%

Breakdown of male/female visitors to pornography sites: 72% male – 28% female

“I can’t define obscenity, but I know it when I see it.”

–Justice Potter Stewart, U.S. Supreme Court

“What offends me may be sustenance to my neighbor.”

–Justice William Douglas, U.S. Supreme Court

Do You support:

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Banning the showing of X-rated films to adults?

(36% of Americans do)

Banning sale/rental of X-rated films for in-home use?

(38% of Americans do)

Banning sale to adults of hardcore magazines?

(31% of Americans do)

Restricting access to X-rated web sites by adults?

(35% of Americans do)

A Small Quiz:

Yeah, okay, I guess Animal wins. I mean, at least Someone loved his answers, right? Yeah, he gets a free Pix Capacitor.

This Week:

1: Is the Superiour Partey a good idea for a Partey, or what? And is Raymond the Penguin an awesome mascot? Because I’ve already printed up the t-shirts…

2: Would YOU have voted for me?

3: Is porn your sustenance like Justice William Douglas’ neighbor?

The Ind e-Pen +++vol+1+++BT+38+++ Introduction ================== So apparently I’d lost it. Oops. My bad. I’ll try not to let Trumpet Rob down again. Anyway, I’m including here my proposal for reforming the current political system along with a series of interesting statistics about pornography. I’m throwing that in for T. Rob. He heh. Porn… Ideas.…

5 Comments

  1. 1. The Superiour Partey offended tens of people (really, 10 people were offended!) it’s a good name for a party, but I personally like POLAR BEARS as opposed to penguins.
    2. I belive I was one of the 2 people that did vote for you, and i would do it again (after extensive research and comparison).
    3. I AM Justice William Douglas’ neighbor!

    ps-boils on the butts to those running against the Superior Partey! Pix must win, else what am i going to do with this button?

    BANA F.

  2. Ms. Fish,
    Aye, we didn’t much care about offending people at first. Perhaps that (or our ‘sluch’ fund) is where we went wrong.. And weren’t polar bears the INFERIOUR MASCOTS??
    Hmm.. Your story is full of holes.
    However, I’m going to have to assume that it’s true and that you, Jonathan B. Trust, possibly jcak (I doubt it though), and theoretically myself voted for us.
    How could we not? I mean, we had buttons! — I’d forgotten about the buttons.

    love,
    Chuch

  3. 1 everybody loves raymond…
    2 yes
    3 sorry, i’m too busy looking up internet porn (while sitting in the student union building) to answer the last question

  4. though i did take my fair share of the sluch fund (that was a great week when we had cokes everyday)
    i am pretty sure i forgot to vote. i think we were campaigning so much we forgot to register. or at least i did

    jbt