Dear Readers,
I just finished the Wikipedia Americana. Yes, I know I started off reading the Encyclopædia Canadia, but that’s just one of my quirks. I always finish things I didn’t even start. It’s the reason my divorce was so complicated—
I never married that bitch!
I married that beaver!
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Gabe,
You never answered the second part of my question: what’s the nutritional value of boogers?
-Joe Jessy
Dear Joe,
Your body gets rid of the buggers for a reason (wow, first time a British insult has come in handy when I wasn’t around the late Queen). They’re not good for you. Nasal mucus is 95 percent water. The other five percent includes proteins, fats, carbohydrates, salt, dirt, and germs. So it doesn’t particularly hurt you, but it gives you bad breath (hey! It was research!), looks bad, and is just plain gross. Besides, the healthy beaver nose produces more than a pint of snot a day, you just don’t realize it because little hairs called cilia beat along the passages to move the mucus down the back of the throat. Yum, yum.
Dear Gabe,
I saw someone up on a high tower with a high-powered rifle. He said he wanted to hurt people, but I just thought he was going to the cafeteria. He gave me a list and said “You know what to do,” but I don’t! Do you think I should go to the cafeteria to look for him?
—Joe Jagear
Dear Joe,
Not if you don’t want to look stupid. If he said “you know what to do” and meant it, then you should probably go from person to person on the list and find out what they have in common before he catches you and thinks less of you. You wouldn’t want an unstable, total stranger to think less of you, would you?
So, I recommend you target the straight-shooters first. They’re sharp and won’t give you any bull so that you’ll go through the list quickly. Get the lead out, you don’t want to have to rifle through the list at the last minute. Besides, high caliber people could hammer this task out in minutes.
Just don’t rush it. You never know when you’ll be in this guy’s sights…
—Gabe—