Palinode to Phrases that should never be said

And now, an argument for why these phrases should be said.

“You can trust me.” — Picture the following situation: Anson, Bill, and Count Chocula are fighting vampires that have cornered them into a treehouse from which there is no escape. Moreover, Anson, Bill, and Count Chocula are afraid that one of them has been bitten and will turn on them in the most inopportune time. If Anson and Count Chocula both say “You can trust me,” you know that it is possible to trust them and thus, by process of elimination, Bill is outed as the vampy-sympathizer and Count Chocula kills him to save Anson and his own life.
And thus, the statement that could never be said, saves the lives of two young men (note: Anson died shortly afterwards, but that’s too depressing to think about, let’s move on).

“Can I kiss you?” — Okay, a girl that has been eaten by a Horrible Gelatinous Blob just gets spit back out and is saved by a handsome knight on, um, a dirt bike or something. She knows that she is icky to look at, but really wants to thank this man in a way that might get her some play later. She says “Can I kiss you?” and, if he accepts, she knows she won’t be feeling lonely tonight.

“Am I happy?” — Alright, now a man sees a picture of himself as a young child. He doesn’t remember that the person taking the picture was Nessy, the lochness monster, but he realizes that there is some emotion being emoted by the kid in the picture and wishes to know if he is in fact happy or if the puddle at his feet is indeed urine.

“We need to talk.” — Please see this comment for what I may just nominate for an Eli in October (more on this later).

“Do you miss me?” — Damion and Elena are estranged lovers that have been speaking on the phone for three hours. Throughout this entire time, Damion has said he misses Elena an average of thirty times per hour, but Elena, so overwhelmed by emotions and trying not to cry, does not reply in kind. After they hang up, Elena feels so loved and is willing to see Damion again, but Damion, having poured himself out in a way guys usually don’t, and having received no responce in kind to let him know he is appreciated, goes to sleep feeling hollow. Had he just said “do you miss me?” and heard her response of “of course, you blasted imbicile,” he might have gone to sleep in a lighter mood (yes, lighter than hollow).

“If you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.” — Necessary if the person listening is blind and just heard the door open and close.

“I could care less.” — Frank can’t stop talking about Grant’s fantastic hair and Haley is tired of listening to the description. When Frank next asks Haley what she thinks of Grant’s hair, she’ll not have a response suitable to shut Frank up. Had she thought of saying “I could care less,” Frank might have gotten the picture and stopped revealing his sexual discomfort.

“Remind me to do ‘your mom'” — Ivan has a terrible memory, Julian does not. Not only that, but he has a PDA, a cell phone, and a computer that all interchange memories so that any entry he puts in one will instantly appear on the other. Ivan, needing to give his grandmother an injection of Insulin, asks Julian to remind him. Had Ivan not asked, he might have forgotten and been responsible for the death of one more grandparent.

And now, an argument for why these phrases should be said. “You can trust me.” — Picture the following situation: Anson, Bill, and Count Chocula are fighting vampires that have cornered them into a treehouse from which there is no escape. Moreover, Anson, Bill, and Count Chocula are afraid that one of them has been…